Monday, January 29, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for January 29, 2018

Is WrestleMania ready for Asuka?
Photo Credit:
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Asuka (Last Week: 3) - Look, everyone, myself included, talked a lot about Ronda Rousey, but Asuka was the real star of the show. No one was ready for Asuka, as always, and now she'll get to go to WrestleMania and cut through whoever is holding the title she chooses to challenge for like a goddamn buzzsaw. It will be fun. I bet passersby will be amazed by the unusual amounts of blood.

2. Velveteen Dream (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Imagine watching him come out for his match with Kassius Ohno and not thinking this kid (he's only 22, I can call him that) just exudes confidence and magnetism. Couldn't be me. He also gave the last remaining member of the Devastation Corporation standing gainful employment for the night, so that's a plus.

3. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 2) - Brock Lesnar threw a table on him after F5ing him through another one, and he still got up to level several small hamlets and divert the path of the Delaware River. So what if he didn't win? Blame Kane. I blame Kane for everything.

4. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 5) - I don't care if Russell Westbrook is older than my man, Embiid is his father now.

5. Gnocchi (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Still the GOAT pasta, gnocchi remains undefeated. I had some nice potato dumpling pasta at a local pizza joint with marinara and mozzarella and let me tell you, it was not bad, but good.

6. Molly Holly (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I'm glad WWE decided not to highlight the time it portrayed her as fat when she was in the Rumble last night, but not as glad as I was when she hit that goddamn pinwheel senton. Seriously, sign her up today if she's willing.

7. Kota Ibushi (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Honestly, the best thing to happen in wrestling this past weekend wasn't even WWE related. Ibushi and Kenny Omega reunited Golden Lovers at New Japan New Beginnings. Ibushi is god-level for turning down WWE money so he could blow himself up with fireworks and reunite with his tag partner/casual boyfriend. Legend.

8. Jaromir Jagr (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Speaking of legends, Jaromir Jagr began playing in the National Hockey League when I was nine years old. He finally left the NHL again this year. I'm 36. And he's still playing, only in his native Czechia! Hockey players, like luchadores, last forever.

9. Zelina Vega (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, I haven't done a thirst entry in awhile. That being said, it's not all just thirst. I mean, she's probably the best promo in NXT, which is saying something, and she gets cred for chewing off Sam Roberts' head with that thick New York Puerto Ricana accent. God bless.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - The one thing the Royal Rumble was missing was a good porkin'.