Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 9

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So, you need the news, eh? You need it so bad that you can taste it, that you ACHE FOR IT. Well, you're in luck because HORB FLERBMINBER IS BACK WITH MORE INFORMATION THAN YOUR PUNY BRAINS CAN HANDLE. I bring so much news to the table that even Justin Barrasso is embarrassed. AND HE'S CO-OPTED BY WWE. I once reported something that made Vince McMahon cry. Sure, it was that I was carrying a letterbomb full of atomized onion that exploded in his face, causing him the MOST PAINFUL PAIN HE'S EVER FELT, but hey, I take things on technicalities. IT COUNTS.

Of course, you could just read the newsletter and think to yourself, "Oh, I've had enough." Well, you'd be WRONG, because you can NEVER HAVE ENOUGH HORB, you peon. NEVER. First, follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Where else can you see me hoot and holler while Eric Bischoff owns Dave Meltzer? NOWHERE, that's where. Also, you can see me follow up that hooting and hollering by making Bischoff click on a link to goatse, because NO ONE IS A GOOD GUY IN THESE TWITTER WARS EXCEPT HORB. You can also check out back issues of the newsletter, like these:

And now, the news:

- Ronda Rousey signed her contract at Elimination Chamber and is now property of WWE. Wait, that can't be right, chattel slavery was outlawed in 1865 with the ratification of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution. Why would WWE use such language?

- Rousey made her official debut in the company by taking the arm she held aloft pointing at the WrestleMania sign, placing it her side, and turning her smile into a scowl to show how mad she was at Stephanie McMahon.

- Other Elimination Chamber results: Braun Strowman was BURIED after eliminating everyone in the Chamber except Roman Reigns and attacking Reigns after the match to get his heat back by taking the pin.

- In other Chamber news, WWE is quickly thinking of a way where it can invent a deus ex machina for Seth Rollins to use to interrupt this year's Reigns/Brock Lesnar match because time is a flat circle.

- RAW RESULTS: Triple H introduced The Knockout Game to RAW by playing it with Kurt Angle.

- Kane was also backstage at RAW, but thankfully, he was not used on RAW because Vince McMahon finally moved his bowels after three weeks of constipation and wasn't in a mood to punish the audience anymore.

- Brock Lesnar no-showed Elimination Chamber and RAW. The latter event was fodder for a Roman Reigns SHOOT on him missing the show. Even though he wasn't scheduled for the Chamber at all, this all screams SHOOT to me, because it is extremely commonplace for wrestling companies to address contractor no-shows by letting other contractors air their grievances unscripted all the time. No chance this is all a work. NO CHANCE, I SWEAR TO GOD.

- Lesnar was photographed in Las Vegas with Dana White Sunday night. White said that he thinks Lensar has a "very, very, very good chance" of returning to UFC, which signifies that the company will no longer comply with USADA anti-doping standards.

- White also said that he has no interest in promoting Tito Ortiz vs. Chuck Liddell because Liddell "shouldn't be fighting." He then added, "Hey, do you wanna know who CM Punk's next opponent is? It's a real barnburner!"

- John Cena has been given a shot to be in the Fastlane main event, which is why wrestling needs socialism NOW.

- Cena's new rumored opponent for WrestleMania is Rey Mysterio, Jr., who has been reported as signed back with the company starting WrestleMania. Mysterio will wrestle Jushin Thunder Liger for New Japan Pro Wrestling's Strong Style Evolved on March 25 in Long Beach, CA, two weeks before Mania. I expect Mysterio to break his deal with WWE as soon as he finishes wrestling Liger because HOW DO YOU DOWNGRADE THAT MUCH IN A SPAN OF TWO WEEKS? GOD DAMN, WWE IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN NEW JAPAN, GOD.

- The Young Bucks will be moving up to the heavyweight tag division. They've been preparing by eating non-stop at In 'N Out and brushing their teeth with beef tallow instead of toothpaste.

- Flip Gordon gave a teaser about being in Best of the Super Juniors, but little does he know that you have to believe in a spherical Earth to compete in that tournament. Flat-Earthers are only allowed to compete in the New Japan Cup and Tag League.

- Trent Berretta suffered a torn bicep and pectoral muscle when Jay White stabbed him for calling him a "knife pervert."

- Bianca Belair also was injured over the weekend by furiously tweeting to keep up with the dogpile Mandy Rose, Paige, and Goldust laid on her for something stupid. I don't even remember why. Christ, is this wrestling or high school?

- Fred Yehi and EVOLVE have announced an amicable parting of ways. While many consider this an informal confirmation of Yehi's signing with WWE, my sources tell me that it's for him to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a Chris Rock impersonator.

- Jarrius "JJ" Robertson, a young fan battling a rare liver disease, will receive the Warrior Award this year at the Hall of Fame inductions. People are quick to note that Warrior wanted his award to go to backstage people who worked out of the spotlight, and while those people deserve recognition, I'd like to note that if the notion of Christian postmortem justice exists, then Warrior is probably roasting in Hell for being a terrible person in life, so who the fuck cares what he would have wanted in the first place.

- FOX Sports executives were spotted in the front row on Smackdown last night, fueling rumors that WWE is looking to change networks once its contract is up. However, all interest from FOX died once they realized they were watching Smackdown.

- The California State Athletic Commission has revoked Jon Jones' fighting license and fined him $205,000 for snorting imported Colombian cocaine instead of product grown from fresh, local, organic coca plants in California. This news item has been sponsored by the California Farmers' Association.

- WWE has announced it will be adding a bunch of episodes of All-Star Wrestling from the late '70s to the Network, meaning I have that much more content I can assign my staff to review in lieu of paying attention to indie wrestling.

- AroLucha will be taping the first season of its television show in Nashville later this month, and judging by the title of the first episode, "The Night of the Long Knives," it's going to be bloody!

- Dave Meltzer noted that Ric Flair turned 69 recently, making a backhanded comment about how one could make the easiest joke in the world because of it. I assume it's because he hasn't reached the section of Tumblr where people make current 69 jokes.

Last week's poll results are in to split results. Only 34 percent of you think Kenny Omega and Kota Ibushi will remain faithful to each other, while 26 think Cody Rhodes will cause Ibushi to be the cuck. Another 24 percent think Omega will be the cuck, while 16 percent think it will end in one great big orgy. I'm with the last group, to be honest. This week: