|THE MAN, THE MYTH, LEGEND|
Photo Credit: Alex Brandon/AP Photo
1. Jason Kelce (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Kelce got dressed up like a mummer, drunk as a skunk, and made the most epic victory speech of all-time. It was such a fuckin' awesome wrestling promo that he should go down to the Performance Center to teach them after his football days are over. If he ever has to buy a drink in Philly, everyone in this city will have failed at life.
2. Asuka (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sasha Banks and Bayley are great wrestlers, but really, they're not competition for Asuka. When's she gonna get someone on her level, like a literal rhinoceros? Nah, even that would be unfair, for the rhino.
3. Mirai Nagasu (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The figure skater was the first American to hit a triple axel, and it was THE thing that the Olympics needed after that shitshow of an opening ceremony. To be fair, the ceremony itself was fine, especially for the shirtless Tongan who wore what he'd wear on a Sunday afternoon on atoll in his homeland to a place with negative degree wind chill. Everyone lost their shit over Mike Pence and Kim Yo-jong watching them from their seats. Look, I don't care about which homicidal world leader you stan for, I really don't. Throw out every world leader and live in communal peace with shared wealth for all I care. But Nagasu hitting that move on the ice? Yeah, that's the stuff.
4. Braun Strowman (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Honestly, I'd like to think he meant to get eliminated from the fray so that Elias could walk with the last Elimination Chamber entry. He's shown he's got his feeling side, whether complimenting the man whose cake he ate to his almost warm relationship with Alexa Bliss. Besides, what fun would it be for THE MONSTER AMONG MEN to get the best slot? Braun doesn't want to be fed, BRAUN WANTS TO HUNT.
5. Celeste Bonin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The former Kaitlyn has finally returned to wrestling, defeating Rachel Ellering in her comeback to the ring. Now I can rank her on the poll for reasons other than thirst. Joy!
6. Joel Embiid (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Perhaps the Sixers were injected with the life of an Eagles Super Bowl, because the team hasn't lost yet so far. Or perhaps the converse is true, the Eagles won the Super Bowl because Embiid was in attendance and gave the team his gamma rays of radiance. Either way, I don't think it's mere coincidence.
7. MGMT (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Honestly, I didn't know they made new albums after the ubiquitous Oracular Spectacular in 2007, but they have! They released a new album Friday, Little Ice Age, and while it doesn't have the sort of fire earworms that get radio play like "Kids" or "Time to Pretend," it's very good! Check it out on whatever music service you use nowadays.
8. Tres Leches Cake (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Amanda (*extremely Borat voice* MY WIFE) went to get Puerto Rican food for lunch and wanted a piece of tres leches cake for lunch. The restaurant was out. So what did she do? She came home and baked one herself. I razzed her a bit, but honestly, I might have done the same if I had the same initiative.
9. LeBron James (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I usually don't do two non-wrestling entries from the same sport, but for real, King James hit a buzzer-beater to snap a cold snap in overtime on Wednesday, then spearheaded an unprecedented clearing of house in which his Cavaliers got revamped, and then Sunday led the new-look Cavs to a thumping of the Boston Celtics by 30 points on a day when the Cs were retiring Paul Pierce's number. If that's not the perfect combo of dominant and petty, I don't know what is.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Last week felt like a fever dream, but I'm happy to report that Oney Lorcan is back and once again here for porkin'.