Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 11

He has returned!
Photo Credit:
Are you ready to celebrate the GREATEST COMEBACK IN WRESTLING HISTORY? What, Bryan Danielson? HELL NO. Everyone knew he was coming back sooner or later, ESPECIALLY ME. I'm talking about HORB FLERBMINBER, baby. That's right, I have RETURNED from the gnarliest hangover in WRESTLING JOURNALISM HISTORY. I would say I'm never drinking that much grappa again, but YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN RYAN SATIN IS GOING TO THROW DOWN THE GROSS LIQUOR GAUNTLET AT THE AIRPORT HOLIDAY INN IN ONTARIO, CA. I must remain as vigilant to consume massive amounts of disgusting liquor as I am to report the news. AND I AM THE MOST VIGILANT AT DOING THAT.

Of course, you could just consume the HORB EXPERIENCE via the newsletter, but WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? That would be like going to Old Country Buffet and not stuffing your cargo pants full of take-home leftovers. THEY HAVE ENOUGH FOOD TO FEED 12 ARMIES, I CAN TAKE MORE THAN I CAN EAT HOME, DAMMIT. First, you shove popcorn shrimp into your front leg poc... I mean, follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You won't get a much better INSTANT NEWS EXPERIENCE than by following me on the Twitters. If you follow me, you'll know when exactly Roman Reigns will fail his next drug test, mainly after I inject his bladder with enough THC to take down Rob Van Dam. You can also order old newsletters so you can BASK in my accuracy. For example, you can get the following issues now:
  • Smarch 13, 1979 - I chronicle how the lousy weather has affected business.
Somehow, that's the only issue I have available. Weird. Anyway, now the news.

- Daniel Bryan has been cleared for wrestling in a WWE ring again. The reactions have ranged from pure joy to annoyance in the way he was booked in his return segment, so it looks like things have picked up right where they left off when he was put out of action the last time he was active.

- Bryan made his return with an impassioned promo to kick off Smackdown, which brought the fans to their feet with the exception of his 20 minute aside where he went off on a tangent about how no one can cheer for him unless they compost all their food-waste. It was truly an odd experience.

- Bryan closed the show taking an apron bump from Kevin Owens. Bryan insisted that Owens and Sami Zayn actually drop a nuclear bomb on him, but everyone agreed killing all the fans in attendance would be bad for public relations.

- Bryan was actually cleared to wrestle as early as January 27, the day before the Royal Rumble, which makes the decision not to have him enter and win even MORE INFURIATING.

- WWE is hopeful that Bryan will re-sign with the company now that he has been cleared, but if he's not, expect his final WWE match to be against The Ruby Weapon at SummerSlam.

- Paul "Triple H" Levesque on Bryan's return: "Our primary concern is the health and wellness of our performers, so it was critical that we had Bryan see all 20 of the nation's top veterinarians before we cleared him to compete in a ring."

- WrestleMania 35 was announced for MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ again, marking the second outdoor Mania to take place in the New York area. The tagline will be "EYYY, I'M WRESTLIN' OVER HERE, MADONE!"

- John Cena challenged the Undertaker again on RAW Monday for WrestleMania, and instead got Kane for next week. Come to think about it, that sequence of events perfectly encapsulates everything WWE has done to its fans since the Invasion.

- Brock Lesnar apparently has heat on him from Randy Orton, who has been lobbying to be able to beat the shit out of POCs in handcuffs after they've assaulted police for months now.

- Meanwhile, Francis Ngannou has called for Lesnar to return to UFC and face him. "Hey, I could use an easy victory," he said when asked for his reasoning.

- The Ultimate Deletion was not included in the Hulu cut for RAW. When I asked a representative from Hulu, that person said "Well, our uncle works for WWE and he said that no one who's getting buried after WrestleMania and released like the marks they are will be included on Hulu edits from here on out." It was unclear if they were referring to Matt Hardy, Bray Wyatt, or Wolfgang Hardy, who has signed a futures deal with the company in exchange for formula, diapers, and TapouT brand onesies.

- Dave Meltzer, reporting via sources he read from a burner Tumblr, says AJ Styles should be good to go for WrestleMania.

- JBL blasted Meltzer on Twitter, but then followed it up by praising Peter Rosenberg and Sam Roberts, just so you didn't forget that some battles have no babyfaces.

- Mark Henry will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Sources say his son, A Sentient Hand, will induct him.

- Zack Sabre, Jr. has won the New Japan Cup by defeating Tetsuya Naito, Kota Ibushi, and Hiroshi Tanahashi in consecutive matches by submission. If Gedo doesn't win Best Booker in a unanimous vote for this year for this glorious push of a glistening new talent, I swear to God. I SWEAR TO GOD.

- Sabre wiil eschew challenging Kazuchika Okada or Minoru Suzuki with his Cup win and instead challenge Theresa May for the Prime Ministership of the United Kingdom.

- Rey Mysterio has signed a deal with AroLucha, one that includes partial ownership of the company. Ron and Don Harris made the deal to show how not racist they are by allowing one of "them" to have a stake in the company.

- 205 LIVE RESULTS: Mustafa Ali won the right to face Cedric Alexander for the vacant Cruiserweight Championship while 95 percent of the fans still haven't gotten to their seats yet at the WrestleMania preshow by defeating Drew Gulak.

- WWE has announced it will attempt to set the record for "most urine expelled by a crowd in a single ten minute period" at WrestleMania by announcing Randy Orton vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Bobby Roode for the United States Championship.

- WWE has officially removed Fabulous Moolah's name from the title of the women's Battle Royale to happen at WrestleMania. The match will now be called the Stephanie McMahon Women's Empowerment Battle Royale Presented by Stephanie McMahon for the Greater Good and Glory of Stephanie McMahon.

- The Greatest Royal Rumble event, in addition to the 50 wrestler over-the-top battle royale, will include seven title matches, including the newly created House of Saud Championship that will only be defended for the amusement of Saudi princes while entertaining US oil executives.

- James Ellsworth vs. Matt Riddle has been signed for Joey Janela's Spring Break 2. If Riddle wins, he takes home the World Intergender Championship. If Ellsworth wins though, Riddle has to give him his chin.

Last week's poll results are in, and 45 percent think Miller Lite tastes great, while 42 percent say it's less filling. The other 13 percent of you are teetotaling dorks. This week