Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 13

Photo Credit:
It's the biggest week in wrestling. WrestleMania week? NO. WrestleMania is RUN BY MARKS, WORKED BY MARKS, and ATTENDED BY THE BIGGEST MARKS OF THEM ALL. This week is WRESTLEMANIA NEWS WEEK from your main source for ALL the biggest scoops, HORB FLERBMINBER. Oh, you thought you could escape me, COULD YOU? Well, you're WRONG! I'm here to feed you the news whether you like it or not, like old-timey parents used to feed their belligerent children castor oil. I SAW IT ON TOM AND JERRY ONCE, SO IT HAS TO BE TRUE. Do you think Bryan Alvarez has the same dedication to giving you what you need? HELL NO, he's too busy trying to pass off WCW Saturday Night recaps from 1994 as current events. I'M ONTO YOU, DICK BOY.

Of course, you COULD just read the newsletter, but that'd be like going to an orgy and just sticking your pinky finger in someone's asshole, WITH THEIR CONSENT, OF COURSE. Unlike some professional wrestling journalists, HORB FLERBMINBER ALWAYS PREACHES CONSENT AND WANTS TO MAKE SURE EVERY SEXUAL ENCOUNTER IS JUST AS CONSENSUALLY DISAPPOINTING FOR THEM AS IT IS FOR YOU. Anyway, you want THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE. ALL ORIFICES, ALL PROTRUSIONS, ALL ACTIONS. And to do that, you'll have to follow me on Twitter. Well, my Twitter isn't like a REAL orgy, but it is an ORGY OF INFORMATION FOR YOUR EYES AND ALSO YOUR NOSE FOR SOME REASON. They let me test out the scratch-n-sniff beta. Anyway, follow @HorbFlerbminber, and you'll find out which wrestling journalist is horny on main right now. Sometimes, it's surprisingly not Jim Ross! Also, order and catch up on some of the best of my prior issues of the newsletter. This week's special is all about WrestleMania! Get these issues today!
  • March 15, 44 BC - Julius Caesar buried at WrestleMania Negative MMXXVIII when The Conspirators, led by his former tag partner Brutus, repeatedly hit him with Backstabbers
  • April 3, 1985 - Complete analysis of the first WrestleMania, including and why Mr. T competing at the event is an anomaly that will certainly not foreshadow how WWE books celebrities in coming megacards
  • April 7, 1993 - How Hulk Hogan interrupting the celebration of a Samoan pretending to be Japanese means he's probably going to say something really racist 20 years in the future after fucking his best friend's wife on video
  • March 17, 2004 - Beautiful photography of Eddie Guerrero hugging absolutely no one at the end of the show under a shower of confetti
  • April 5, 2006 - How Mickie James' lesbian stalker angle against Trish Stratus shows WWE is at the vanguard of LGBTQ rights in entertainment
How can you read all these issues and more? Well, come find my merch table at Joey Janela's Spring Break 2. I'll be the guy with the TV tray trying to get Pierre Carl Oulette's attention so he'll give me his hookup for Clenbuterol. And now, the news!

- Undertaker still hasn't responded to John Cena's challenge for a match at WrestleMania. Sources say Taker is too busy cutting promos on the Parkland shooting survivors and being retroactively mad at anyone who took a knee during the anthem during the last National Football League season. He's expected to answer Cena sometime in June.

- WrestleMania 34 is being slotted for 168 total hours on WWE Network. It's already started. Get home, you're going to miss the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale if you don't.

- RAW REPORT: lol you think something happened on the RAW before Mania?

- SMACKDOWN REPORT: I haven't watched Smackdown in years. What makes you think I'm gonna start now?

- Paul "Triple H" Levesque unveiled the NXT North American Championship, which is just a picture of him pedigreeing the nations of Canada and Mexico engraved in gold on a belt made of red, white, and blue dyed leather.

- The Miz and Asuka won the Mixed Match Challenge. Their prize is now a forced romance angle that will try to break up Miz and his wife Maryse so that Vince McMahon can horn in on the action.

- Miz appeared on RAW days after Maryse gave birth to their first child, a daughter named Monroe Sky, because according to Vince McMahon, paternity leave is for cowards and wastrels, something he said while holding the remote control for the poison gas release into his wife's and new daughter's hospital room.

- Daniel Bryan, Braun Strowman, and three other superstars have been announced for the Greatest Royal Rumble. Sources say the winner of the biggest battle royale in WWE history will point at the "No Girls Allowed" sign hanging over the crowd.

- WWE released cards for its live Axxess shows, featuring indie talent on the shows. However, they will not be wrestling, as they will be reading their entries in the WWE-sponsored essay competition, "Why Roman Reigns is better than me and all my peers."

- Kazuchika Okada will defend his IWGP World Championship against Hiroshi Tanahashi at Wrestling Dontaku, because, sources say, Gedo really likes fucking with people.

- Will Ospreay will be working WrestleMania this weekend despite having his foot lodged so far in his mouth the tips of his shoes are being dissolved in stomach acid as we speak.

- Maria Kanellis gave birth to hers and Mike Bennett's first child, a girl named Fredrica Moon Bennett. She's already blocked half of Wrestling Twitter.

- Jeff Jarrett stopped by Smackdown's backstage to reunite with AJ Styles. He brought along Claire Lynch in a move that surprised everyone, Lynch herself included.

- The Big Show re-signed a multi-year contract with WWE that will allow him to break Lex Luger's all-time record for combined heel and face turns.

- Hulk Hogan responded to Mark Henry's exhortation that he apologize to all Black wrestlers by saying he needed to apologize to "all wrestlers," not just the Black ones. From out of nowhere, a group of White moms and uncles on Facebook just started applauding him.

- Meanwhile, Hogan lost out on inducting Hillbilly Jim into the WWE Hall of Fame to Jimmy Hart. However, expect WWE to make it up to him by inserting him in the main event of WrestleMania and pinning Brock Lesnar clean in the middle of the ring.

- Vader on his open heart surgery "I'm in pain, but I'm thankful I'm alive. First thing I do when I get out of the hospital is beat the holy fuck out of Will Ospreay."

Last week's poll results are in, and 79 percent of you disapprove of Donald Trump's job so far as a WWE Hall of Famer. That has to be a stunning blow to him and his ego. This week: