|Thanks to Strowman, Kevin Owens is now on the fast track to becoming oil for future Earthlings.|
Photo Credit: WWE.com
1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Him winning the men's briefcase was unexpected since, c'mon, he doesn't need. But who needs anything? It's all about who takes stuff, right? Wrestling is a great escape from the ghastly slog that is real life because morality is different. Whereas decent people practice restraint and compassion, they're not in the wrong by demanding blood and gore from their heroes battling against rank villainy. Either way, I still can't believe Strowman threw Kevin Owens so hard that he landed about 50 meters embedded in Earth's mantle. That's wild.
2. Calamari (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - If you've had this wonderful cephalopod, it's probably been battered, fried, and paired with some kind of red sauce. But did you know it's really fuckin' good grilled, broiled, braised, or cooked in any manner? I had it with clams, shrimp, and scallops in a pasta dish Friday and it might have been the best meal I had all year. GO out of your way to eat calamari in all shapes and sizes. Unless you're a vegan, in which case I respect your life choices, even though I don't necessarily agree to take part in that lifestyle.
3. Nikki Cross (Last Week: 7) - Was Cross' goal to win the NXT World Championship, or was it to make a noted MMA badass in Shayna Baszler poop her pants in fear? If it was the latter, she succeeded, oh my, did she succeed. Seriously, the evil grin she flashed right before passing out to the Kirafuda Clutch did more to get herself over as a psychopath than anything the main roster has done for Dean Ambrose since The Shield broke up. Granted, Ambrose has been an incredibly entertaining brand of silly crossed with crazy, but WWE just doesn't know how to brand its wrestlers best, does it.
4. Kota Ibushi (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The G1 Lineups were announced, and not only was Ibushi announced to be in the same bracket as tag partner and possible life partner Kenny Omega, their match will happen at Budokan Hall. Ibushi was banned from the legendary venue years ago for being TOO GODDAMN HARDCORE for it, but now he'll be back and facing off against the wrestler to whom he's inextricably linked. That's what's up.
5. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Honestly, I'm probably giving up on weekly WWE television starting tonight. It's just pointless, really. But say, if Batista comes back to Smackdown, crumples up Big Cass, throws him into a dumpster, and starts a hot-ass feud with Bryan that really test the limits of David vs. Goliath without having the Goliath come out each week and yammer on about how he's much bigger, then maybe I'll reconsider that ban.
6. Steven Zuber (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So the Swiss national team didn't exactly beat Brazil, but a draw against the best team on the planet to open the World Cup is nothing to scoff at. Zuber scored the Swiss' goal, and it couldn't have come at a better time. The Cup has been topsy-turvy so far, with only one of the favored teams winning (Belgium, the others combined for one loss and three draws), and no result was as shocking as the Switzerland/Brazil draw. Crazy times, people. Crazy times.
7. Mayu Iwatani (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Io Shirai has left STARDOM, and she teamed with Iwatani in her last match. Afterwards, the last remaining member of the three pillars of STARDOM laid a big ol' smooch on her on-again, off-again tag partner. Shoot your shot, Mayu. Shoot your shot.
8. Asuka (Last Week: Not Ranked) - At some point, she's going to realize that WWE's patently anti-Japanese booking is beneath her. Seriously, allowing James Ellsworth to wear her entrance garb when she should be kicking Brock Lesnar's head into outer space? Fuck's sake, man. Fuck's sake.
9. Everyone Who Attended the College World Series' Through Three Games (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look at that attendance figure. That's a nice attendance figure.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Even though he and Danny Burch were positioned as the faces in their feud against Undisputed Era, the Chicago crowd rejected them first. However, they gave all their porkin' to win the crowd over, even if they didn't win the titles. That's impressive if you ask me.