The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for July 30, 2018

KNIFE PERVERT IS NO CHALLENGE FOR MURDER GRANDPA
Photo Credit: NJPW.com via What Culture

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Minoru Suzuki (Last Week: 2) - Honestly, in a just world, Suzuki would have taken out Jay White in the most appropriate way befitting his unofficial Knife Pervert nickname possible, which is to say by shoving his switchblade where the Sun does not shine. However, maybe it's best that Murder Grandpa only defeated him in normal fashions. He's only two points off the Block A lead, and although Stupid Sexy Hiroshi Tanahashi has the tiebreaker advantage over him, stranger things have happened. I'm not sure Suzuki winning his block would be the way Gedo goes with this, but if I were running things, the finals would be something like Suzuki vs. Tomohiro Ishii every year because I have preferences, dammit.

2. Tama Tonga (Last Week: 1) - So, after his outburst last week on Twitter, he got a 12-hour timeout from the Nazi-sympathizers in charge. He tried sniffing out the person who ratted him out, and he deduced it was... Roman Reigns?!?! The two got into it on Twitter, which prompted fantasy booking of a match between ancient rivals old as time Samoa and Tonga. Or maybe they're not rivals and I'm just making shit up to hype a match that won't happen unless Tonga decides to try employment at wrestling's biggest Racism Factory, WWE.

3. Meiko Satomura (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She was announced for the Mae Young Classic, which was the culmination of maybe the worst-kept secret in wrestling since CIMA's announcement for Battle of Los Angeles. Anyway, esteemed friend of the blog Erin Provolone said it best. Anyone congratulating her for participating in the WWE's tournament has it all wrong. They should be congratulating WWE for Satomura deigning to fulfill their invitation and bless their proceedings with her grace and pure awesomeness.

4. Kagetsu (Last Week: 3) - Donald Trump was chattering about Twitter shadowbanning conservatives, but it wasn't Twitter doing such. Well, it was, but they weren't shadowbanning conservatives, they were deleting bots, which drastically decreased the follower counts of conservative asswipes who purchased followers. Of course, President Grandpa is too thick to realize nuance of anything other than perhaps the way Brooke Shields' most salacious swimsuit shoot in 1994 was lit. It was operatives from the Glorious People's Republic of STARDOM, under order of Prime Minister Kagetsu, to make sure the plan went off so as to leave the power structure here in disarray in advance of her covert ops to topple the government.

5. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 4) - I dunno, it's a reflex ranking at this point. You can't make me not rank Bryan fuckin' Danielson among the best in the world when he's active.

6. Greg Cipes, Scott Menville, Khiry Payton, Tara Strong, and Hynden Walch (and I guess Will Arnett and Kristen Bell too) (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Teen Titans GO! gets unfairly maligned because it was the "replacement" of sorts for the original Cartoon Network series that was cancelled prematurely in the eyes of fans. But honestly, it's a great meta-narrative featuring superheroes commenting on various things, from comic tropes to social issues like the share economy. The movie, which was released Friday, was less in the oeuvre of the show, but it was a massive success regardless. It had a lot more heart than the show usually has, which is fine because a movie can't subsist on joke-a-minute storytelling alone whereas 12 minutes of discontinuous episodic television can. However, the film kept the show's spirit alive in it, and it was not only one of the funniest superhero movies ever, it was one of the best. Go see it, now.

7. Wegmans Chipotle Salsa (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I put some of this on some Trader Joe's sweet corn tamales, and other than being consumed in a vortex of yuppie culinary zeitgeist, it was quite tasty. Who knew.

8. Zeus (Last Week: Not Ranked) - All-Japan Pro Wrestling's big wrestle boi finally broke through and won the Triple Crown after years of fans waiting for him to get his shot. He, in fact, joins rare company with Rikidozan and Riki Choshu among others as Korean-Japanese wrestlers who have held portions of the Triple Crown. He's also mad beefy, which always scores you points here at TWB.

9. The Person Whomst Defaced Donald Trump's Hollywood Walk of Fame Star (Last Week: Not Ranked) - My only qualm with the hero who destroyed President Dipshit's star is that he didn't go far enough. He should have dropped some acid on it or just removed the entire square. But hey, anything helps. I'm shocked Trump didn't tweet about it, but you know it just destroyed his insides even worse than his normal diet of fast food and fortified wine does. I just hope it continues to get defaced and destroyed. I mean, it'll be a cottage industry that pays more money to labor than Donald Trump did to the companies who built his towers in Atlantic City, NJ. For the record, Trump paid zero dollars to those companies because the rat bastard weasel declared bankruptcy to avoid paying out any money whatsoever for work that was already completed.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Is Oney Lorcan here for porkin? The answer will shock and amaze you!