The NXT Name Generator Must Die

How are you gonna give this guy the name "Joaquin Wilde?"
Photo Credit: Mikey Nolan

With little exception, WWE for the last decade or so has wanted to give wrestlers names that the company itself could trademark and make money from long after the wrestler using said name leaves the company. Sure, folks like CM Punk and Io Shirai escaped its wrath and got to keep their pre-WWE names, but by and large, most wrestlers who churn in get some bedevilingly banal or if they're lucky ridiculously memorable for the wrong reasons name. While some names have been suitable like Seth Rollins or Daniel Bryan, few have looked at a WWE-given appellation and thought "Wow, that's an incredible name for a pro wrestler!"

I thought the nadir of the NXT Name Generator as the process has been traditionally been dubbed by fellow shitposters of Wrestling Twitter came with the original NXT's season 2, where viewers were treated to people named "Lucky Cannon," "Husky Harris," "Eli Cottonwood," and "Michael McGillicutty." Two are no longer with the company, and the other two were renamed, although "Curtis Axel" isn't much better than Michael McGillicutty if I'm being honest with myself here. Then the latest round of signees came through, and hooooooo boy, some of these names are terrible with a capital TERRIBLE.

For example, Samuel Shaw, who made hay in TNA as a Gut Check winner transitioning into a creepy stalker-type character that he seems to have retained through his NXT signing, has been given the name Dexter Lumis. It is a mash-up of the protagonist from the Showtime series Dexter and a variation on the last name of one of the protagonists from the Halloween movie series, retaining none of the charm of either and just sounding like some dork-ass teacher's pet. Then you have Bronson Reed. If you can't tell who that is from the name, well, I can't blame you, because it's the name given to the former Jonah Rock. Rock, for those who don't know, is a boulder-shaped wrestler of Pacific Islander heritage whom the name "Bronson Reed" does not fit at all. Bronson Reed is the name of a frat boy lacrosse player from Johns Hopkins University, not the name for a Maori demigod incarnate. Would I trust WWE to give him a name befitting his look without being cartoonishly racist? No, but this situation maybe calls for Rock to be allowed to give some input himself? Radical idea, I know.

The worst offense, however, belongs to the name they gave DJ Z. "Joaquin Wilde" is not a name of a pro wrestler. It's the name of a porn star with a 13-inch dick who cosplays as Zorro while on set. When you sign someone like DJ Z, you don't sign them to gentrify them. He's the flippy guy who has the EDM DJ gimmick with the requisite rap horn that he calls for at the most opportune (inopportune?) times. If any chance presented itself to keep one guy's name the same as it was on the indies, it would be with DJ Z. But no, he's gotta be beaten down to be as anti-individual as possible, right? That's the name of the game anymore; only McMahons get over on their name. The brand is the draw. It sucks, but what are you going to do.

Of course, they're not the only ones to get new names, but compared to them, Cameron Grimes (Trevor Lee), Jordan Myles (ACH), Isaiah Scott (Shane Strickland), and Jessi Kamea (Jessie Elaban) are stellar. Of course, when you get "bedevilingly banal" on the chance draw, you are lucky comparatively speaking. For a company obsessed with branding, that seems to be a huge problem.