Thursday, July 25, 2019

Twitter Request Line, Vol. Two-Hundred-and-Nice

Not a matter of if, but when...
Graphics via WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 280 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:
The over/under date will be an announcement on September 26, possibly even for a debut the next week, a flash announcement much in the same way that WWECW's demise was announced the week before it was replaced with the original gameshow run of NXT. The "Paul Levesque is incredibly petty" side of me thinks they'll clear the under with ease. However, there's a certain side of me that thinks they'll wait on it because, a) they aren't going to go with the C-show going to a Fox network before Smackdown's debut on October 4, and b) they may want to play wait and see on All Elite Wrestling's TNT ratings to see how much of a threat they are. But I always lean more towards people in charge at WWE announcing it BEFORE September 26 even if it doesn't make the port over until October 9. So I'll take the under.


Ah yes, Pokémon Champion, the highest goal for all pre-teens in the world of Pocket Monsters! I would have the most splendiferous team, you'd see, consisting of the following:
  • Weavile - Fast and annoying, the first order of business would be to hit your opener with a Fake Out and then set up with Swords Dance plus powerful and expansive Same-Type Attack Bonus (or STAB) attacks of Ice Punch and Throat Chop. And if you send out a pesky Fighting-type, then it's onto...
  • Mimikyu - Oh, you think you're gonna get me with your Close Combat? Think again, binch. Mimikyu with Swords Dance/Shadow Sneak/Play Rough/Drain Punch in addition to its ability will pose a formidable risk to anyone trying to take the team out.
  • Alakazam - Physical attacking can only get you so far, so as Champion, I would need some special firepower in there, and what better than the OG overpowered Gen 1 MONSTER. Running Psychic/Dazzling Gleam/Shadow Ball/Calm Mind, Alakazam will be tough to beat unless you can outspeed him with a super-effective STAB attack.
  • Snorlax - Mind you, if you get past Alakazam, you will have all the heft and bulk of SNORLAX to get through. Body Slam will leave you paralyzed. Earthquake and Crunch round out the attacks, while Rest with a Chesto Berry will leave him charged up for another go-round.
  • Alolan Raichu - As Champion, I would have the ability to go around the world to build my team, and Alolan Raichu gives my team the zap it needs to take your challenge down. Thunderbolt/Psychic/Focus Blast/Nasty Plot will be your downfall.
  • Mega Venusaur - You didn't think you'd get past me without taking out MY LARGE ADULT POKÉMON SON, did you? Having the Thick Fat ability will make it hard for you to hit me with your Ice and Fire attacks, while Petal Blizzard/Earthquake/Outrage/Swords Dance will cause you to GET REKT, even if you send out the bane of my existence, Togekiss.
All in all, it's a pretty formidable team with weaknesses that you can exploit. After all, what's a Pokémon Champion without a way for you to beat him so you can beat the game?

Really, it doesn't beat gypping the Extreme Championship Wrestling roster out of money all while he was getting sugar daddy money from Vince McMahon, and then taking to Twitter years later to dress people down for accusing him of it. Like, he left "the boys" in shambles towards the end of that career. The Tommy Dreamer anecdote about how Heyman left him so destitute he thought about hopping the rail at WrestleMania X-7 and doing a murder-suicide live on pay-per-view should have been a fucking wake-up call to everyone. Dreamer should have at least gone into therapy, and Heyman should be in jail. Instead, everyone laughed it off, and Heyman got to get another cushy job with WWE creative. It's ludicrous.

Sticking with the home team for my first choice, Bryce Harper and "Smoke and Mirrors," Cody Rhodes' old WWE theme, would fit well because Harper is incredibly handsome, and Rhodes' old theme was for when he had that adjective as a nickname. The lyrics don't really describe looks, but the slickly-produced 80s throwback sound evoke images of beautiful people in questionable fashion possibly having gone to the bathroom to do cocaine. Am I saying Harper is on cocaine? No, I'm not, but really, if he did have a substance problem, that would be the one.

Anyway, number two would be Taichi's entrance music for Madison Bumgarner. Like Taichi, Bumgarner hits the ball hard in the limited situations he gets to shine. Also like Taichi's lip-syncing entrance, Bumgarner flaps his gums and nothing of substance ever comes out. Granted, MadBum will never ever be as cool as the Holy Emperor, but the entrance music fits too well. Finally, reaching back to the past, Kirk Gibson will get Dusty Rhodes' WWE theme music, because like Rhodes, he's born of a common man and shares a lot of apparent traits with the blue collar American, even if outside the game, that isn't necessarily the case.

The only way I could do that is if I truly believed kayfabe didn't matter, and no matter how much it's changed or shrunken over the years, it's still an important piece to the wrestling picture. I can't even do it for the sake of debate without violating my own protocol like a robot.

It's easy to say that I would have talked shit back to him and let him kick the shit out of me for lawsuit money, because that's what anyone would say with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. Plus, I'm a chickenshit who hates feeling pain or bleeding. So yeah, I probably would have done the same thing as the other fan did. I would've said "sir, yes, sir," gotten it over with in as little time as possible, and then blabbed on the Internet to take him down in that way.

REALISTIC - The New York Yankees trade two prospects and some cash to the Texas Rangers for Shin-Soo Choo's entire contract and Mike Minor. The Yankees need pitching to complement their MASHING lineup, and because God hates me, the Phillies probably won't be in the running. But hey, if Minor goes to the Yankees, he won't go to the BARVES, Nationals, or any other National League Wild Card contender.

WHOA! - The New York Mets trade Jacob deGrom, who is 31 and whom they don't want to pay, Michael Conforto, whom they never seem to find a place for in the lineup anyway, and the injury prone Yoenis Cespedes to the Los Angeles Dodgers for Gavin Lux and Dustin May, their two top prospects, and Kenta Maeda. Having deGrom join Clayton Kershaw, Walker Buehler, and Hyun-Jin Ryu gives them the rotation they need to get over the hump and win the World Series after years of coming close. The mets get a serviceable starter in a lost year in Maeda and two top prospects that they can pair with Jeff McNeil and Pete Alonso.

HOLY SHIT, STOP THE PRESSES - The Los Angeles, California Angels of Anaheim send Mike Trout, whom they just signed to an extension but really don't want anymore in my fantasy world of making this trade, to the Philadelphia Phillies for Alec Bohm, Spencer Howard, Yacksel Rios, Mickey Moniak (all prospects), Zack Eflin, and however much cash the Angels want. This trade will deplete the Phillies of their farm, but it will also pair the best player in baseball (Trout) with Bryce Harper, JT Realmuto, Rhys Hoskins, and Jean Segura, giving the Phillies' offense enough juice to outslug teams by sheer will. It also will never, ever happen, one, because the Angels signed Trout to keep him, and two, because trades like this never happen in baseball anymore. Everyone wants to copy the Astros. You know what? It doesn't always work in baseball, especially since no other teams can have their general manager. You tank in basketball because the variance is lower because of roster size and immediate readiness of the players to contribute. Baseball? Yeah, that shit don't fly.

Solomonov may have Israeli food with Zahav and the donut/fried chicken game with Federal Donuts on lockdown, but he's not the only heavy hitter in Philadelphia. Stephen Starr is even more old money than he is, and his roster of restaurants is pretty impressive, including two of my personal favorites, Jones and Butcher and Singer. Jones is more casual in atmosphere and menu, and I put their fried chicken against anyone's, including Federal Donuts. Butcher and Singer is more of a formal joint, the kind of steakhouse you go to for your anniversary.

Protected user @earthdog asks:
Summer Question: What are your top five summertime desserts/treats, and were are the best places in the Delaware Valley to get these treats?
Water Ice - It sounds redundant, and it also is called "shaved ice" or "Italian ice" in other locales. The best place to get it is somewhere in South Philly, but for those who don't wanna venture into the city, you can stop at any Rita's and get something almost as good.

Ice Cream/Gelato - Only lactose-intolerant people seem not to enjoy this summertime staple. The best spot in the area to get it is Cocco's Gelateria in Clifton Heights, PA.

Cheeseburger - What, you thought only COOL treats were here? The cheeseburger is the quintessential summer food, and the best place to get it in the area is P'Unk Burger in South Philly, on East Passyunk Avenue.

Brisket - Again, what's more summer than slow-smoked barbecue? No better time to have your smoker on overnight than during vacation season. The best brisket I've had around here is at Sweet Lucy's Smokehouse on State Road in Northeast Philly.

Watermelon - The quintessential summer fresh fruit can be eaten as-is, or you can cut a hole into the melon and dump a shitload of booze into it so you can enjoy your fruit without ever having remembered eating any. Basically, anywhere you can get one for three bucks or less is the best.

Why did you tell me it originally had sauerkraut on it, which is the worst food people think is great? Ah well, since you got that dish without kraut, the answer is 100 percent absolutely yes. It looks great, but I can't look at it the same way knowing that kraut usually goes on it.

The first two are obvious because they're both local and the best two mascots in sports. I'm talking about the Phillie Phanatic and Gritty, obviously. The next one is the OG, the San Diego Chicken. Next is Mr. Met, only so I can give him a swirly for being associated with such a pathetic franchise. Finally, I'm coming local again for Swoop, but only so I can get his contact info in case the Eagles are bad this year and I need him to run me over with the Eagles' Youth Partnership Bus.

Star Wars - This one's harder because there's less source material and a whole lot more time with which to work, a lot of it a rasa tabula given that the only areas explored on film or in video games have been the Old Republic and, well, those damn Skywalkers. I liked the idea they had with the anthology films/Star Wars Stories to make actual archetype movies in the Star Wars universe. For example, Rogue One was clearly a heist film just set in the backdrop of the Death Star, and Solo was a gangster movie. So in that vein, why not make Days of Thunder on Tatooine with pod racing? You can divorce away from the Skywalkers or other major trappings and rehabilitate the image of pod racing, which was tarnished by how poorly received and transparently a marketing ploy it was in The Phantom Menace. Days of Thunder on the three-sunned sands? If you don't like that, you can just do The Godfather with the Hutts. I don't know.

Marvel - Marvel is a lot easier since it has SO much source material to work with, even more now that the X-Men and Fantastic Four are in the fold. Specifically with the Fantastic Four, now that property is in the hands of people who do good movies, unlike with the last two runs (I maintain that the first F4 movie, the one with Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, and Michael Chiklis as the clan, was good if cheesy). Basically, I want control of the franchise so I can do a trilogy not only integrating them into the MCU, but also setting up two major antagonists for full-roster Avengers movies (Kang the Conqueror, Dr. Doom) and the beginning of the integration of mutants as well. The first movie would feature them vs. Mole Man, just like their first comics arc. The second movie would see them going back in time to ancient Egypt, where they would battle Rama Tut and his student, En Sabah Nur. In case those names aren't familiar, those are the alter egos for Kang and Apocalypse. The third movie would see Dr. Doom, who would be in the background of both the first movies, come to the forefront for a battle that would directly lead into his turn as the big bad for his Avengers movie.
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