Yes, John Cena Had an Awful Year

Poor, poor John Cena
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Guys, John Cena had the worst year in his career between WrestleMania XXVIII and now. He's so emo about it too, always talking about how he never really got his engines running or his landing gear shelved inside the fuselage of his plane. It's hard to disagree with him. He didn't get to hold the WWE Championship at all, guys. He didn't even get to star in any shitty WWE Films ventures. And he lost to The Rock... LOST TO THE ROCK! Man, and don't even get me started on him only beating Brock Lesnar at the last minute instead of getting to treat him like The Big Show in 2009. Oh, and he didn't even get to drop real shit on top of Dolph Ziggler on New Year's Eve. Something about it being unsanitary. THE NERVE. It had to be pasteurized pig slop. What wimps Ziggler and AJ Lee for not wanting REAL LIVE FECES on them. It's still real to some people out there.

However, the hardships endured by John Cena knew no bounds. He's way too modest to list them all. So, I've taken the liberty of compiling every terrible thing that happened to John Cena between April 1, 2012 and today, January 30, 2013. I hope this is comprehensive enough, or Cena will have suffered yet ANOTHER indignity. WILL IT STOP? WILL IT EVER STOP? SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

• Was forced to give up jorts as his main mode of fashion because the Union of Florida Gators Fans sued him for gimmick infringement.
• Ordered a lobster bisque at the Midwest Diner in Milwaukee on August 27th before RAW, and they gave him creamy chicken and rice.
• Propositioned Lita for sex and she refused him. Who cares if CM Punk was standing right there?
• Damien Sandow wasn't selling the Attitude Adjustment the way he liked it, and it caused Dave Meltzer and Bryan Alvarez to dock it 7/128ths a star.
• He just got his car washed and it started raining. HOW RUDE, GOD.
• Ziggler thought about kicking out of an Attitude Adjustment, and that hurt Cena's feelings.
• They let Punk's continual non-main eventing of pay-per-views be a story thing, instead of making Punk shut up about it and be happy he was allowed to be Champ in the first place.
• Tried to buy tickets for The Avengers on opening weekend, but it was sold out.
• Hit a scratch-off lotto ticket for only $35,000. The top prize was $50,000. When will he catch a break?
• Entering 19th in the Rumble? Sure, why didn't they just make him sweep up the ring between matches and get the announcers their water too? SHOULD'VE ENTERED AT #30!
• The guy behind "skidmarks187" on X-Box Live? Yeah, he totally said on the Internet that John Cena RUINED HIS LIFE by associating his name with lameness, and now he has to yell twice as many homophobic and racist slurs at the people he plays Call of Duty against.
• The new Pastor Troy album? It was only okay.
• Tried to get a seating at French Laundry in the Napa Valley during a swing through Northern California, but they didn't let him in. Cargo shorts are apparently "against dress code."
• Ordered a Mountain Dew at the vending machine, but hit the wrong button and it gave him a Code Red.
• One of the Make-a-Wish kids TOTALLY coughed on him.
• Had to be in the same ring with John Laurinaitis wearing THAT ring gear. Where did he think he was, wrestling a match or catching waves off the Pacific Coast like that stoner fuck, Rob van Dam?
• They cancelled Don't Trust the B**** in Apartment 23? NOOOOOOOOOOO!
• No one told him the Dixie Carter that died in 2010 was the actress and not the lady who runs TNA, and he TOTALLY made that faux pas talking to Samoa Joe on the phone in June.
• Bought some milk on April 9th and didn't realize til he got back to the hotel room that the sell-by date was April 8th.
• Only won ONE Money in the Bank Briefcase and not both of them in the same night.
• His dad keeps insisting that the top at the end of Inception was about to fall down, and thus meant Leonardo diCaprio was in reality, not a dream. WHAT A MORON.
• Rock still has more Twitter followers than he does.
• Bought an iPad the day before iPad 2 was announced.
• Had to team with Miz. Don't they know that totally is unrealistic because they feuded once?
• Thought he had cancer, but it turned out he just had to fart. It was a stinky fart though.
• Saturday Night Live still hasn't asked him to host.

So yeah, before you worry about what you have to go through, remember John Cena. That man has had an awful year. Now it's whoop-ass time. Oh man, you need to be rooting for this man.