Thursday, March 28, 2019

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 252

What better way to introduce these two vanilla dudes than as oppo for the New Day?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

First off, they'd have to be White guys, because any White heel, even if it's Bryan BAH GAWD Danielson, is going to be racist in WWE. I hate to say it, but it's reality. Also, given Bryan's cadence during the promo, they don't even have to be special. Any three guys can throw waffles into the crowd, right? So that makes Danny Burch, Tino Sabbatelli, and Riddick Moss the prime candidates for this, right? None of them have any real direction, especially Burch who lost his tag partner Oney Lorcan (HERE FOR PORKIN') to 205 Live. I don't want to make this a slight against any of the three, especially Burch whose work I'm a fan of. It's just that none of them have any real direction, and not only would this give it to them immediately, it would give them MASSIVE heat from the crowd.

Honestly, the only time I can remotely think of an exciting countout finish was at SummerSlam '11, when Mark Henry World's Strongest Slammed Sheamus through the guard barrier in front of all those Pro Wrestling Guerrilla plants to kick off the Hall of Pain in earnest. Of course, the stakes there were much lower. Henry was starting off a monster run as a burgeoning force of destruction. Big E burying Rowan in commentary booth on Smackdown was the climax of a wonderful story. All it showed was that in wrestling, every tool in the chest can be used for maximum effect if the story is right.

I don't wanna write about this. I don't wanna write about how the best goddamn wrestler on the roster is gonna be relegated to a pre-show battle royale after having a Mania match in her grasp so close to the event because reasons. I just don't.

The age-old question is, like Evolution, a mystery. The first reason to explore is Hogan's racism. Of course, it's impossible to be racist against a blond White guy like Sid on the surface. Is Sid secretly like 1/16th Native American? Did he have a Black great-grandfather? I have a crack team trying to get DNA samples from him to send to 23andMe, but at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

The other reason that's most probable is that Hogan probably properly burped after being given his bottle before the match. Having excess gas buildup can make a baby very irritated, even one as muscular as Hogan. My guess is they all saw it as natural toddler behavior and moved on.

Really, I'm at the point where I'm just watching because it's the wrestling Super Bowl, kinda like with the REAL Super Bowl. I really shouldn't be, since in theory, at least the WWE Championship and the main event should be really, really good and narratively relevant. I'm afraid that now that Vince McMahon is beholden to Saudi Fuck Money that you're not going to see the resolutions you want here. Maybe that's not the case for the women since, y'know, they're not allowed to work in Saudi Arabia, but if you think Seth Rollins and Kofi Kingston are both going to get their big feelgood wins, well, maybe you should at least allow the dread to seep into your brains that it won't happen now and if it does, it'll be in front of a shitload of bored Saudis looking at their phones waiting for the next Attitude Era dude to come out for a token appearance.

Never say never, but I heard that the Triple H match is going to be Batista's retirement. It makes sense. He's a big famous action star now, and unlike wrestlers, actors can unionize. I'm sure as he gets up there in years that he'd want some security. Plus, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 is gonna start filming soon. That venture will take up some time. But if he did have another match or feud, I'd rather it be with Roman Reigns. I'm kinda over part-timers feuding with each other. Besides, while Batista/Lesnar would be a good match no doubt, I feel like one with Reigns would be better and more able to fill out the 20 minutes of time it'd get allotted.

In lieu of my own words, I will let Adam Sandler as Billy Madison in the titular movie take control.



You're not wrong, per se, although I remain skittish making judgments that pit marginalized groups against each other. You're right in that the Stephanie McMahon parting the Horsewomen to smile and make it about her has a big probability of happening. Both would be historic moments to close the show though, so I wouldn't begrudge anyone for at least not minding which one closed.

As for Ronda Rousey closing, well, I highly doubt it now, but if they make it a unification match, well, then I'd start to get real scared.

I'm going to round up to ten here, because no one wants to see 70 percent of a match. OR DO THEY? Anyway:
  • MAIN EVENT WWE RAW Women's Championship Match - Ronda Rousey (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch
  • WWE Championship Match - Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Kofi Kingston
  • WWE Universal Championship Match - Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Seth Rollins
  • WWE United States Championship Match - Samoa Joe (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
  • Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre
  • Kurt Angle's Farewell Match - Kurt Angle vs. John Cena
  • WWE Women's Tag Team Championship Match - Sasha Banks and Bayley (their team name is fuckin' stupid) (c) vs. The Iiconics vs. Nia Jax and Tamina Snuka vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya
  • Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match - The Usos (c) vs. The Hardy Boyz
  • Andre the Giant Battle Royale
  • The Totally Not Fabulous Moolah, Nope, Not Named for Her Women's Battle Royale
As you can see, that's quite a lean, all-killer, no-filler lineup. Of course, I'm sacrificing Batista, which is my most bitter exclusion, but I mean, it spares you all a Triple H match, so THANK ME NOW.

You're not the boss of me!

But no, here are the power rankings for when I was away.

1. Daniel Bryan
2. Xia Li (and her quads, I'm not a sexist)
3. Kota Ibushi
4. Nick Foles
5. Crown Roast for Christmas Official Holzerman Hungers Entry
6. Allie Kat
7. Joel Embiid
8. Mike Gravel
9. Jeff Rosenstock
10. Oney Lorcan, who is here for porkin'

Most overrated are probably Cadbury Creme Eggs. I mean, I get the seasonal allure, but the creme filling isn't really all that good. It's almost like sweet mayonnaise. Most underrated is the Reese's Fast Break, which I feel doesn't get the press that the other products get, and yet it has the most peanut butter in any of its products. Plus, I feel like peanut butter and nougat is a nice textural contrast, subtle since they're both soft foodstuffs, but soft in different ways.

I think I put my feelings in the Mania card cut two questions earlier. Everyone deserves to be on the show (and get that Mania payday, although I think everyone should get a Mania bonus whether they work the show or not, SOCIALISM~!), but not everyone deserves a feature match. The difference is tangible. You want to make getting in a non-battle royale match special, but at the same time, you also want everyone to be on the DVD. So the big matches for the stories you want to tell will feel special and get the build, and then everyone else dumps in for the spacer battle royales. It's the best of both worlds!

It's a breath of fresh air already, no matter what people in the bubble might say. The fact that a place exists where indie wrestlers can go make bank without going through the WWE meat grinder or sail into Ring of Honor's creative malaise is an incredibly good thing. Will it last? That statement is hard to quantify. Can they survive as a high-ticket promotion without television? How will Double or Nothing do? Until the promotion starts in earnest, it's hard to say. However, I will say at least hope is on the scene.

WrestleMania XXX was perhaps the last time WWE ever put on a top-to-bottom excellent pay-per-view. Maybe it wasn't the best pay-per-view, but it was the last time I really truly relished the WWE product and thought that maybe they deserved to be at wrestling's critical vanguard. Every decision that the company has made since then that mattered, starting with breaking up The Shield by turning Seth Rollins of all fuckin' people, has showed an arc of creative rot. Maybe it turns around soon? I don't know. But Mania XXX being as good as it was sits in a high place in my esteem.
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