10. Shrimp Fra Diavolo
I had a very tough time deciding the bottom of this list. I feel confident in this choice though, because really, it combines all the things that make southern Italian food great. I like that it's spicy and has heavy doses of garlic-and-olive oil as well as the tomato. It's like the best of all worlds. This is best served with bread to sop up all the sauce afterwards.
9. Chiles Relleno
As one might be able to tell, this list isn't going to be high on health foods. While there are delicious vegetables out there that can be consumed raw, and great steamed and low fat options, there's a reason why it's so God-damned hard to diet. It's because the fatty, sodium-laden, cholesterol bomb or sugary foods taste so damn good. So OF COURSE, stuffing an Anaheim chile with cheese, battering it, deep frying it and smothering it in red sauce would be just aces. It's so simple, but it's brilliant. The bitter of the pepper combines well with the salty tang of the cheese, and it's even more enhanced if the pepper's just a little spicy.
8. Spicy Tuna Roll
I swear, I'm not solely a mark for capsacin-laden foods. Really, I'm not. But really, I love the spicy mayonnaise with which they dress the fish. It helps that ahi tuna is delicious in its own right. It's great as a snack or by eating gobs of it for a meal.
7. Rodizio-style Beef Sirloin
My only beef (PUN INTENDED BITCHES) with Brazilian rodizio is that I didn't find out about it until last year. My God though, this is food nirvana. It might seem hard to select the best out of the bunch, but good lord, as good as everything is, the sirloin laps everything else. It's like cut from bulls who do nothing but get massaged and graze on the best grasses in Heaven or some other comparable location. It's so tender, and the fat is just melted perfectly throughout. My guiltiest pleasure is eating some of the unrendered fat. It's so bad for you, but it's a literal flavor explosion. YES I MEAN LITERAL. GAWD.
6. Breakfast Sandwiches
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| Pictured: AWESOMENESS Photo Credit: Me |
5. Lasagna
For most of my life, this would have been #1 on the poll. It hasn't fallen because I don't like it anymore. Obviously, #4 is a lofty ranking. I also love how versatile the dish is. Like, it can be made with any combination of filler ingredients. I like the traditional sausage-ricotta-tomato gravy-mozzarella combo, but there are some other really epic combinations. There are good vegetable-bechemel lasagnas. Seafood variations are really key too. My favorite is one my wife makes with spinach, prosciutto and rosa sauce (a mix of red gravy and alfredo sauce).
4. New England Clam Chowder
It's the white one. I've also been obsessed with it for the last five years. Like, if it's on the menu, I automatically order it unless I go someplace more than once and it's not that good. As one might be able to imagine, it's easy to fuck this up. For example, if the clams are fishy or gritty, or if the carrots and potatoes are cut too thick or if the cream broth isn't seasoned right, yeah, it's going to taste like a creamy hot mess. But when it's good? FUCK AND YES. I've had it in New England a bunch, and it's sublime up there, but to be quite honest, my favorite clam chowder? Yeah, it's from Wawa. Yep, a souped-up convenience store sells my favorite clam chowder. But then again, Wawa is pretty much the best. NO ONE DENIES THIS.
3. Cheeseburger
I will argue to the death that the cheeseburger is the ultimate American food. We're a country that loves our beef, usually in the form of steak, but this is the ultimate affordable version of it. We love putting cheese on everything. This is really a nation of sandwiches too. Plus, virtually ANYTHING can be put on it. I've seen people put peanut butter on burgers, and it didn't look awful. I don't know. As easy as it is to screw up clam chowder, it's just as hard to screw up cheeseburgers. Even if they get the shit charred out of them, they still taste somewhat good. The biggest craze is to put bacon and an egg on it... and yeah, I totally am on board with that. The hardest thing about my diet was forgoing cheeseburgers as more than a special occasion meal.
2. Baked Macaroni and Cheese
Honestly, I have NOTHING against creamy mac 'n cheese. Nothing at all. I love opening up a box of Kraft and going to town after cooking it up. Easy Mac was a great invention too. But there is almost nothing that compares to a baked mac 'n cheese, done en casserole, with a crispy crust on top and a thick, rich, unctuous interior. The cheese isn't creamy and gooey as much as it's melty, and believe me, that texture makes the dish. This is my mom's signature dish, so maybe that's the reason why I bone this dish so much. But then again, if you've HAD my mom's mac 'n cheese, you'd be a convert.
1. Bacon
What, you were expecting tofu? I do like tofu, but c'mon now. C'MON. Benjamin Franklin only got it partially right. It's not beer that is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Well, it's not beer alone. I'd say beer AND bacon is that proof. This might be cheating a bit, since it already made an appearance in the list in the form of breakfast sandwiches (and implied in some clam chowders and cheeseburgers as well), but isn't that a testament to how awesome bacon is? It can be used in nearly ANY application. It can be eaten on ANYTHING savory. It has some sweet applications too (hello candied bacon!). It's at its best being eaten a la carte though. Holy shit, like, if I went to that bar in New York that puts out a bowl of bacon instead of peanuts or pretzels, I'd die of bacon-gasm. It's fucking fantastic.
ALSO RECEIVING CONSIDERATION: Broiled Crab Cakes, Shrimp Toast, Cheesesteak, Onion Rings, Prime Rib
