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| It says right on his instructions "No Dusty Finishes!" Photo Credit: WWE.com |
When we last left Mark Madden, he was showing so much disdain for wrestling and its fans that he couldn't fellate Tyler Reks enough for quitting the business. This time, he has an oh-so-trenchant look at the CM Punk/Ryback match at Hell in a Cell! I'm sure it'll be well-thought out and totally respectful to wrestling and its fans...
THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE is entirely overrated in fake wrestling.
...d'oh.
Of course, leave it to Madden to make a decent point in his lede in the most douchetastical and condescending way possible.
That’s why TNA stopped building toward Roode vs. Storm for the title at BFG.
For someone who thinks his readership is filled with slack-jawed morons, he sure is liberal with the assumptions that everyone knows what every abbreviation means. One of the rules of journalism is you write the entire phrase out first then use acronyms unless it's super well-known. I'd say "Bound for Glory" is one of those times where you write it out first.
But what do I know, I don't dupe WrestleZone out of their money for my writing.
Fake wrestling isn’t about surprising people. It’s about giving the people what they want.
“Everyone knew” Sting was going to win the world title at Great American Bash ’90. It still got a huge pop. IT’S WHAT THE MARKS WANTED.
Translation: "The stupid fake bullshit is about giving the idiots who watch it what they want BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID!"
Which brings us to Punk-Ryback.
Ryback is a Goldberg knockoff.
"I should know, I used to work for the same company as Goldberg!"
Not as organic. Not as athletic.
I dunno, I'm pretty sure that there was nothing "organic" about either guy if you know what I mean. Also, I don't know how anyone can make that second qualifier about Ryback.
Not as over.
Yes, let's compare "overness" between the hottest period in wrestling history and right now. Also, let's forget that Goldberg, even in that period, had to have chants for him piped in just the same as Ryback does now. I'd say they did a good job of getting the crowd behind him anyway.
Not as good.
Because nothing is ever as good now as it was back then, it's a scientific fact!
But there’s no denying that Ryback is a Goldberg knockoff. So…FOLLOW THE FORMULA.
The formula dictates that Ryback beats Punk in about 15 seconds at Hell in a Cell. Bell rings, SHELL SHOCKED.
Yes, because Ryback hasn't had to sell for anyone yet at all, especially not a guy who's currently on Mars.
If the match goes longer, Ryback likely gets exposed on a number of levels.
I dunno, I saw him as Skip Sheffield have decent matches that went decent lengths on NXT. But then again, it was NXT, so I don't expect a reactionary troglodyte like Madden to pay attention to anything except what's on RAW.
If it’s not a clean finish, Ryback isn’t “the real guy” anymore.
Yes, when Gepetto's creation was finally made into a real boy, it was specifically stipulated into the agreement that if he was involved in a fuck-finish, he'd turn back into a side of beef.
Learn from the mistakes WCW made with Goldberg.
Yes, don't let him anywhere near a limousine window or Bret Hart.
Goldberg was 173-0 when Kevin Nash beat him after Scott Hall shocked him w/a taser gun. FAKE WRESTLING ALERT.
Goldberg was never quite the same after, and that was no fault of his.
Pretty sure you could make a case for his constant state of injury being able to be blamed on lack of conditioning.
The next step for Goldberg should have been SELLING. Not losing, SELLING.
Sure, because he never sold for DDP or Stephen Regal. Oh wait...
Bruno Sammartino held the WWE championship for seven years, eight months and one day.
Because we all know that pro wrestling has not changed from the late '60s/'70s until now. It's exactly the same.
Some would have you believe that the marks got sick of Goldberg. Not so.
You know all those marks who were sick of Goldberg? THEY REALLY WEREN'T! Madden knows, because he's WAY SMARTER THAN ALL YOU SHEEP.
There was backstage heat on Goldberg, jealousy mostly.
It was WCW. Everyone except Hulk Hogan and Nash had backstage heat on them from somebody.
The IWC got tired of Goldberg, but the IWC counted even less back then.
Again, the abbreviations man, not everyone knows what IWC stands for.
What does losing to Ryback do to Punk? NOTHING.
Except end his title reign short of a year and totally throw a title match with The Rock at the Royal Rumble out of the question, unless Ryback's first loss is to come sometime between Hell in a Cell and the Rumble.
But other than that, absolutely nothing, guys.
But Ryback does need to win. I would not have matched up Punk and Ryback just yet. But WWE has. So now Ryback has to win.
Ryback has to win or else he'll turn into a puppet again, or something like that, right?
Ninety-five percent of the time, who wins a fake wrestling match isn’t that important. But for Ryback, as with Goldberg, it is – because the gimmick is based largely on winning.
Pretty sure that by continuing to harp on the word "fake" like he has to distance himself from this ICKY, OH SO ICKY WORLD that he's only involved in because someone is paying him to butcher the English language that Madden really should think that winning shouldn't matter at all, ever.
BTW
...
Yes, Mark Madden, he who gets paid to write wrestling for a company that actually makes money to purvey wrestling journalism and opinion just used text/Facebook shorthand in his column. Holy shit. Does anyone edit this clown?
I was amused to see Ryback talk about his superiority to Goldberg.
What the fuck did he want him to say, that Goldberg was better?
Ryback won’t be best and can’t be first.
Whether Ryback or Goldberg is better is wholly subjective, but let's not pretend that Goldberg was the first big dude who won a lot of matches in a row, okay?
Ryback’s biggest value might be staying undefeated until WrestleMania, then losing to Undertaker.
Or it could be amassing wins until the point where someone not already established like Undertaker beats him and gets a huge rub from it. But what do I know, I've never been an announcer in a tanking wrestling company.
And then, for all intent, Ryback is done. But I don’t think he’s that great to begin with.
This is the worst shit ever, projecting how good a guy is going to be for business or story based on your own feelings. This really isn't surprising from a guy who uses text message shorthand in a paid column. LOL GUISE LOL.
BIG HUNGRY? I thought Gewirtz got fired. That’s bad Memphis.
"That's bad Memphis." What the fuck does that even mean?
