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| Hey yo! Photo Credit: Texas Anarchy |
First up, @CDSBackfist wants to know if I'd start my own wrestling promotion if I had the money, and which top-tier wrestlers I'd book if I had my druthers.
Well, the answer to the first question is HELL NO. I've come to realize something about myself. I am not a self-starter in the least. It's easy to write blogs and criticize (although not easy to be good at it... I hope I'm good at it), but it's hard to do all the things that make a business successful. I couldn't be one of those money marks, but I also wouldn't be assed to do everything needed to ensure viability for my promotion.
However, let's pretend I did have that drive to go with my hypothetical cash flow. Here are the first six guys I'd sign with the intention of building a company around them:
1. ACH - Did you think I'd go any different?
2. Ricochet - He'd be ACH's bizarro mirror image, the guy who had an answer for everything he did, only he was way, way, way more of a dick about it.
3. Rachel Summerlyn - Look, it's 2013. No time to worry about things like gender. They're irrelevant. Summerlyn's a stone cold badass, period.
4. El Generico - He could feud with Ricochet too. Fan favorite who transcends language barriers and would kill himself to win over a crowd.
5. Jazz - She's got name cache, right? Unlike the remaining people who have that, she's the multiplicative inverse of "awful."
6. Eddie Kingston - I was gonna go with Chris Masters here, but I'm almost positive he's part of Aces and Eights. So Kingston's not really a bad consolation prize. I'd sign him anyway, regardless though.
Next, @TheWrestlefan asks if there are any gimmicks that haven't been tapped into yet.
No matter what I say, I bet someone with more encyclopedic knowledge will dig up something to refute me. That's not really a complaint as much as it is a testament to the knowledge level of my readers. However, no matter what you think, I'm not sure there is a limit to what kinds of gimmicks are out there, especially when you get into the concept of hybridization. Like, imagine the Olympic wrestler who collects garbage on weekdays, or the dude who is immune to kendo stick shots but is also a tiger tamer. Sure, all of them might not be good or even adequate, but they're possibilities. Besides, you never know what buckshot stupid fucking gimmick gets over anyway. It's all about execution anyway. I thought that was established when Daniel Bryan took absolute fecal matter of premises and turned them into Ron Paul's secret gold stash.
@OkoriWadsworth asks what the best rivalry in wrestling history is.
With apologies to Vince McMahon vs. decency, Vince Russo vs. ADHD, wrestling fans vs. themselves, and Jerry Lawler vs. Bill Dundee, I'm going to go with Ric Flair vs. Ricky Steamboat. At times, it was purely athletic. Other times, the stakes were personal. However, from the first time they battled over the Mid-Atlantic United States Championship up through their legendary match at Chi-Town Rumble nearly a decade-and-a-half later, these two really defined what a long term pro wrestling rivalry should be.
@EricScar68 wants to know if we'll ever see a WWE tell-all book in the same vein about the ones about ESPN and Saturday Night Live.
I don't think this is going to happen anytime soon, mainly because Vince McMahon is such a larger-than-life character that even if he doesn't have the means to do so, people might fear what he might do to stop it. That, and the last of the old guard that sees the REAL behind the scenes stuff in wrestling as taboo are still around. Maybe in 20 years, after Dave Lagana or whoever needs to make a quick buck, one will come out, and it will be one of the best selling e-books ever.
@aptaube asks whether having a guy come in after nine months off to win the WWE Championship makes it look weak.
It would be one thing if the guy in question is Arnold Schwarzenegger or some other non-wrestler. However, there's a juicy bit of context here. The Rock isn't just some movie star, he's a guy who helped reestablish WWE as the dominant wrestling company in North America. He also has proven that he's still got it, at least in a kayfabe context, because he won both matches he competed in since "returning." Obviously, if you look at WWE like a sport, it makes the title look "weak," but WWE is not a sport.
If the company was any good at building nuance in its stories, there would be a much more effective conflict in the story between Rock and CM Punk. Of course, there will be some of that element in their feud, but it'll mostly be Punk rehashing the same stuff he's been saying for the last six months with Rock replying with some homophobic, transphobic, misogynist tripe. But in wrestling, story is king. This is a good story in theory.
In terms of kayfabe, Scott T. Holland of Irresistible Force vs. Immovable Object is curious as to what makes a good Royal Rumble performance.
Well, the most obvious one is winning the Rumble, right? No matter whether you do it like Shawn Michaels did or like Edge did, if you dump the last guy over the top rope, you're probably going to be considered as having a good match. But what about the people who impress but don't win? Basically, WWE decides that with the stuff they highlight, which are usually impressive feats. For example, Bob Backlund's iron man run, Kane and Diesel both hossing dudes over the top like they were yesterday's garbage, and more recently, guys like John Morrison and Kofi Kingston performing AMAZING feats of dexterity to stay in the Rumble match are all things that stand out despite them not winning their respective matches. I'd also argue any memorable positive performance, whether it be someone like Punk holding court in the beginning part of the 2010 Rumble or gender-bending feats like Kharma or Beth Phoenix eliminating people are considered "good" performances, even if they don't match up to the traditional metrics of quality that we see.
Speaking of the Rumble, @Delliot90 asks who I see winning the Rumble and who I want to win it.
Sadly, I see John Cena winning the Rumble. It almost feels like Rock/Cena II for the title at Mania is in the cards, and of course, the most entitled wrestler in the world has to have a MOMENT in order to get that title match instead of maybe some other reason. Right now, being a WWE fan is like being a Buffalo Bills fan between 1990 and 1993. You're hopeful your guy can win, but you're always in fear of the inevitability that when you get to the Super Bowl, you're about to get merked by whatever NFC East team happens to make it there (except the Eagles, it was never the Eagles... FAAAACK).
Now, whom I want to win... let's break it down into two separate cases, realistic and fantasy. Realistically, I want Ryback to win, because I really think him winning the title from Punk at Mania is the best possible conclusion to the story they started into Hell in a Cell. Fantasy-wise, it's Daniel Bryan, because DANIEL BRYAN SHOULD WIN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME YES! YES! YES!
@GayWrestlingFan thinks the Crisis of Infinite Pecks is either the best or the BESTEST story ever and is asking me if I agree with him or not.
For those who don't know:
Okay, now, on the surface, that kind of thing doesn't work in wrestling. But Chikara and RD Evans/Archibald Peck are both special cases. If I trust anyone to pull of a time-travel story in wrestling with the requisite amount of silliness to pull it off, it's that combination.
Ian Riccaboni of Phillies Nation inquires about the most ridiculous sudden gimmick change, not counting the One Man Gang/Akeem shift.
This one's easy, although the ridiculousness was the biggest reason why it worked. It was when Faarooq Asad went from Sunny's racist caricature of an indentured Nubian warrior to the leader of the Nation of Domination. I have no idea whether it was planned to transition like that or whether it was an audible, but it was brilliant if you believe that Ron Simmons just had enough of black people being treated awfully in wrestling. Either way, it was a jarring, almost ridiculous gimmick change, although I fear it's not what you're looking for here, seeing as Akeem/OMG was done almost without acknowledging they were the same person.
In that case, I'd go with the trifecta of Isaac Yankem -> fake Diesel -> Kane, even if there was time between both transitions.
@runthedive comes with the straightforward question of whether I like chips or not.
Do I ever! You don't get to 336 pounds at your heaviest without eating a few chips on the way. But what kind of chips? Are we talking potato chips, or the French fries that English people serve with their battered, deep fried whitefish? The answer is yes.
Although I have a confession. If given the choice, I will take the bag chips over homemade potato chips every time, although not all bag chips are created equal either. Actually, the best ones are Pringles, and they come in a tube.
As for the chips half of fish 'n chips, they're not chips. They're fries.
@dajerseyboy posits a choice of who'd be better as a good guy: Alberto del Rio or The Miz.
I was all ready to answer this del Rio until last night, when I saw Miz take a hold of the crowd while wrestling against Heath Slater. That's not something that you easily teach a guy. The best wrestlers don't just know how to act like a good guy or bad guy out of the ring, but they know how to adapt their styles in the ring. You know who is great at this? Cena. Not lying either. But that's not the question.
Anyway, I need to see more matches from del Rio to see whether he can change up his style enough to be an effective good guy. Out of the ring, it's close too, and I think del Rio is only ahead there because he's gotten better cues to work from. I mean, if you ask a guy to stick up for his friend and a guy to call people gay because they have a moustache, which one is going to come off as more likable? It's not entirely fair to judge Miz as a face because he's being conformed to what WWE thinks a face should be, whereas del Rio is actually getting to be a genuine, good person, which is rare.
I'm sorry. I didn't answer your question. I'd say Miz could be better all things equal.
@BillAtTheEnd asks me if I've seen his gym shorts, y'know, the other ones, the red ones.
I'm sorry, the last time I saw them, Ryback had them, and he was taking them to to the commissary.
@Bdonn120 asks whether it's a complete violation that he's more stoked to see Rocky on Monday than the BCS National Championship game.
Absolutely not. Contrary to popular belief, you can be a fan of both wrestling and football, and let wrestling be the thing you're more excited for. Hell, I haven't watched any of the Eagles' Monday Night games this year. Of course, the fact that they were terrible this year made that decision a lot easier, but at the same time, I'm a wrestling fan first and foremost. It's okay.
Finally, @Kenzaki24 asks whom I think the first seven picks in the NFL draft should be.
I'm not a draft expert. I'm not even Mel Kiper. However, here's how my big board would like if I did have one.
1. Jarvis Jones, DE/OLB, Georgia - Dude's a beast. Probably the best pass rusher available and the second best one in college after Jadaveon Clowney.
2. Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah - He's a big presence in the middle, stuffing the run and taking up blocks to allow the edge rushers better opportunities to get to the QB.
3. Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M - He's a junior who hasn't declared yet. But if he does, he'd look solid protecting any QB's blindside for a decade plus.
4. Barkevious Mingo, OLB, LSU - Yeah, he's got a funky first name. He's also a disruptive presence on the edge and one of the finest all-around players around.
5. Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame - You kinda need a pass catching tight end in today's NFL. Eifert has the body to chip blitzers, the hands to haul in balls like Jimmy Graham or Rob Gronkowski, and the speed to be able to effectively run routes. He'ls projected to go mid-to-late in the first, so an already good team is going to get a huge weapon.
6. Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State - For a guy who didn't start playing football until he was 15, he has great instincts and is quite adept at penetrating the line and disrupting plays.
7. Damontre Moore, DE, Texas A&M - Johnny Football got all the applause, as well he should have, but this TAMU team wasn't going to beat Alabama or shut down a high-powered Oklahoma offense last night without some defensive playmakers. Of these, Moore was the best.
Note there aren't any QBs on my list. There aren't any RGIIIs or Andrew Lucks this year. I like Geno Smith, but there's no way he should be taken first overall.
Ian Riccaboni of Phillies Nation inquires about the most ridiculous sudden gimmick change, not counting the One Man Gang/Akeem shift.
This one's easy, although the ridiculousness was the biggest reason why it worked. It was when Faarooq Asad went from Sunny's racist caricature of an indentured Nubian warrior to the leader of the Nation of Domination. I have no idea whether it was planned to transition like that or whether it was an audible, but it was brilliant if you believe that Ron Simmons just had enough of black people being treated awfully in wrestling. Either way, it was a jarring, almost ridiculous gimmick change, although I fear it's not what you're looking for here, seeing as Akeem/OMG was done almost without acknowledging they were the same person.
In that case, I'd go with the trifecta of Isaac Yankem -> fake Diesel -> Kane, even if there was time between both transitions.
@runthedive comes with the straightforward question of whether I like chips or not.
Do I ever! You don't get to 336 pounds at your heaviest without eating a few chips on the way. But what kind of chips? Are we talking potato chips, or the French fries that English people serve with their battered, deep fried whitefish? The answer is yes.
Although I have a confession. If given the choice, I will take the bag chips over homemade potato chips every time, although not all bag chips are created equal either. Actually, the best ones are Pringles, and they come in a tube.
As for the chips half of fish 'n chips, they're not chips. They're fries.
@dajerseyboy posits a choice of who'd be better as a good guy: Alberto del Rio or The Miz.
I was all ready to answer this del Rio until last night, when I saw Miz take a hold of the crowd while wrestling against Heath Slater. That's not something that you easily teach a guy. The best wrestlers don't just know how to act like a good guy or bad guy out of the ring, but they know how to adapt their styles in the ring. You know who is great at this? Cena. Not lying either. But that's not the question.
Anyway, I need to see more matches from del Rio to see whether he can change up his style enough to be an effective good guy. Out of the ring, it's close too, and I think del Rio is only ahead there because he's gotten better cues to work from. I mean, if you ask a guy to stick up for his friend and a guy to call people gay because they have a moustache, which one is going to come off as more likable? It's not entirely fair to judge Miz as a face because he's being conformed to what WWE thinks a face should be, whereas del Rio is actually getting to be a genuine, good person, which is rare.
I'm sorry. I didn't answer your question. I'd say Miz could be better all things equal.
@BillAtTheEnd asks me if I've seen his gym shorts, y'know, the other ones, the red ones.
I'm sorry, the last time I saw them, Ryback had them, and he was taking them to to the commissary.
@Bdonn120 asks whether it's a complete violation that he's more stoked to see Rocky on Monday than the BCS National Championship game.
Absolutely not. Contrary to popular belief, you can be a fan of both wrestling and football, and let wrestling be the thing you're more excited for. Hell, I haven't watched any of the Eagles' Monday Night games this year. Of course, the fact that they were terrible this year made that decision a lot easier, but at the same time, I'm a wrestling fan first and foremost. It's okay.
Finally, @Kenzaki24 asks whom I think the first seven picks in the NFL draft should be.
I'm not a draft expert. I'm not even Mel Kiper. However, here's how my big board would like if I did have one.
1. Jarvis Jones, DE/OLB, Georgia - Dude's a beast. Probably the best pass rusher available and the second best one in college after Jadaveon Clowney.
2. Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah - He's a big presence in the middle, stuffing the run and taking up blocks to allow the edge rushers better opportunities to get to the QB.
3. Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M - He's a junior who hasn't declared yet. But if he does, he'd look solid protecting any QB's blindside for a decade plus.
4. Barkevious Mingo, OLB, LSU - Yeah, he's got a funky first name. He's also a disruptive presence on the edge and one of the finest all-around players around.
5. Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame - You kinda need a pass catching tight end in today's NFL. Eifert has the body to chip blitzers, the hands to haul in balls like Jimmy Graham or Rob Gronkowski, and the speed to be able to effectively run routes. He'ls projected to go mid-to-late in the first, so an already good team is going to get a huge weapon.
6. Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State - For a guy who didn't start playing football until he was 15, he has great instincts and is quite adept at penetrating the line and disrupting plays.
7. Damontre Moore, DE, Texas A&M - Johnny Football got all the applause, as well he should have, but this TAMU team wasn't going to beat Alabama or shut down a high-powered Oklahoma offense last night without some defensive playmakers. Of these, Moore was the best.
Note there aren't any QBs on my list. There aren't any RGIIIs or Andrew Lucks this year. I like Geno Smith, but there's no way he should be taken first overall.
