Thursday, January 30, 2014

Best Coast Bias: No Alarms And No Surprises, Please

We gonna rock this futhermucker like three the hard way
Photo Credit:
The week's barely half over and Stamford's all up in a heaval. People want the Year of the Goat, and they want it right the beard now. The Royal Rumble winner is dealing with his lukewarm-to-die-in-a-fire response to those people as his comeback starts in-ring with middle fingers and side eyes. And possibly one of the best five guys on the roster threw his hands up in the air and headed back home with more room in his fridge than he had the last time he kinda-sorta did this kind of thing.

So how comforting must it be to have something like Main Event, a little tract completely controlled and not held judgment to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?

Yes, this has been referred to before as the Perfectly Cromulent Wrestling Hour. This was one of those shows, and it will be again. Yet sometimes we forget that even in the recent past perfectly cromulent was something that these shows weren't always, clogged up with the likes of Simon Dean and Mason Ryan, et al. Even here on WWEME, stories continue and the narrative of the bigger shows bleeds over but doesn't dominate. This week, like a fine football team, they hit upon the three major categories and while they didn't Dean List anything, the grades when it came to tag team, women's, and singles wrestling were more than good enough to pass.

Starting with the tag match: Sending the Intercontinental Champion and the probable next Tag Team Champions of the World against the WWE's floor known as 3MB was a bit like killing a moth with a shotgun blast, but at least it was entertaining throughout. All three of the white hats busted out some new offense, and it lead to a crowd-pleasing moment going into the break where we got Uso Flying Objects and Big E. spearing Slater while he was on the apron, Edge/Foley WM22 style without the gore and imminent death and wall of flames. Also, if Big E. ever topes I will not be held accountable for the level of SQUEE that comes out of my mouth. Honestly, 3MB's so (good at being) bad that the good guys were in control coming back from the break for a few beats. And they did some good work of their own: McIntyre helping out with a double slingshot suplex after yelling out "Now THAT's bloody tag team wrestling! Tell them!" after they gained the advantage with a Slater cheapshot, the aforementioned leader trying to bail out his team by picking up Drew and putting him in their corner after a dragon enzuigiri had sent him to the floor so he could tag out, and I totally respect Jinder Mahal's right to exist. Unfortunately, when Heath came in, so did Big E., and splut splut splut. Alongside kielbasa on the Champ's like list is the Cabbage Patch, which is fine since it's not his defining characteristic.

Speaking of people not in love with Big Dave, Alberto del Rio showed off a bit of his defining characteristic in the opener v. R-Truth: still really good, but not, you know... Batista good or anything. While this match wasn't bad, it was also never in doubt, two segger or no. Even if the mentor to Xavier Woods was the first person to land all ten punches in the corner and the axe kick, it wasn't a matter of if but when and how, and it turned out to be roughly about 10 minutes in with the rope-hung double stomp he employed to considerable effect on Sin Cara in last week's great match. Alongside the Codearmbreaker, it's another bit of great signature offense for the former World Champion and it just looks nasty every time he does it no matter how much stank he puts on it. Add the longstanding history of the double stomp in lucha libre and it all makes sense.

Foxsana was mad at the Bellas for beating them last week, NattieKat was mad at Tamina and vice versa, and AJ's snark on commentary kept me alive even if her lackey's hope of beating the Hart Dungeon's female North Star went down quick as a rollup. This was more of an angle than a match, as when AJ jumped Natalya post-match she got cleared out by the Funkadactyls and left Tamina to get the flying butt pliers. She is the longest reigning holder of the Lisa Frank Memorial title and the longest reigning Champion in WWE period (if even only by one match), and what else is a lackey for, anyhow? Most compelling was that all the ancillary characters in the pre-match segment didn't have anything to do with the match proper or the aftermath.

A secondary feud for divas?


Next thing you'll tell me there'll be a six-man PWG tag team called More Punk For Your Bucks.