Monday, January 27, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, January 27

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Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - Having the entire arena go bonkers for you when you close the show is easy. Having an entire arena chant your name, or more specifically, shit on the ending of the second biggest pay-per-view of the year because you weren't involved in it? That takes talent, man.

2. Chuck Taylor (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Who said cartoon violence couldn't be tastefully done? Also, RIP crudely-sketched Michael Elgin doodle.

3. Beyonce (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I didn't even watch the Grammys and I still felt a rush of entertainment value course through my veins when she was on stage. The Illuminati may not exist, but Bey's got some otherworldly Jean-Grey-as-the-Phoenix energy radiating from her that still puts her at the center of the world's power structure.

4. Richard Sherman (Last Week: 2) - He made a really salient point in that he's not the guy who plays in a sport where dudes are kept on teams for the purpose of starting fights.

5. AJ Lee (Last Week: 6) - Rumor has it she was going to be in the Rumble in El Torito's spot, but everyone feared she would have headscissored Roman Reigns as well and then won the Rumble her-damn-self.

6. Mark Henry (Last Week: 7) - I bet Mark Henry wouldn't have let Brock Lesnar beat the ever-loving shit out of him with a chair last night. Third time is always the charm, especially for the World's Strongest Man. But I bet Jimmy John's orchestrated this whole thing so that Henry wouldn't split the wig of their most visible pitchman. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, AND IT IS BEING HIDDEN BY COLD CUTS AND LETTUCE.

7. Allysin Kay (Last Week: Not Ranked) - As far as draws go, scoring a double knockout against Jessicka Havok is the baddest way to go about doing it. I mean, if you can't beat Havok, you might as well make sure she's got the same amount of CTE as you do, right?

8. Carbonara Sauce (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Fettuccine carbonara was my first cheat meal on my current eating regiment the other night, and my God, it tasted better than any carbonara I've ever had in my life. Was it because I've been eating clean for two weeks and appreciated it more? Maybe, maybe not, but hot Christ, that was a damn fine meal.

9. Jennifer Lawrence (Last Week: 9) - When the biopic for Bryan comes to pass, I demand Lawrence get the lead role. I'm sure the CGI will have caught up by that point.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She has won the Royal Rumble 30 consecutive times playing as her Bull Nakano create-a-wrestler on WWE 2K14. She's too respectful to use the CAW of herself.