Monday, April 21, 2014

The Past is Prologue: Total Divas (S2, Ep. 5)/Legends House (Ep. 1) Dual Power Rankings

Piper's pitfalls were at center stage on the first episode of Legends House
Photo Credit:
First of all, massive apologies for again promising something on Twitter only to completely delay it due to my own laziness and inability to properly remember what exactly I just saw. I don't usually take notes during Total Divas or now Legends House, so my tweets are kind of the only thing I have to go by. This is a terrible method to write. Kids, don't use your dumb tweets as recaps for your similarly dumb pro wrestling reality show report. It will make you manic enough to think to waste people's time in reading the method to your madness instead of actually covering the shows you opted to cover for a friendly website. I think I should start listing people now.

1. Roddy Piper

For this to not be weighed down by too many things, I'm taking the eight legends and the seven divas and listing them. No tertiary figures allowed, or in the case of Legends House, there is no mention of random Ashley who appears and then disappears. Although I'm sure she earned her stripes with that four star match with Flair in 1987, I'm sure. Anyways, I can't ever avoid being drawn to Roddy Piper. Piper is one of those personalities that truly is unpredictable. When motivated and used to his fullest in the ring, he is just magic. Other times, he can go off the rails. And as the main legend in the house, he centers what can look like an exercise in tedium.

I also bought into one of the two stunning reality TV moments of the week as Piper discussed his battles with alcoholism. It goes without saying that for those who are teetotalers who battled out of alcohol abuse, the sudden nature of being without either your crutch or "fun time juice" is potentially alienating. You notice how much of the lives of everyone around you and the places you're drawn to is affected by people drinking alcohol. And we're all not built like CM Punk to feel absurdly confident without alcohol, either. I think Piper channels a bit of that emotion in his own revelations here. He plays with the sort of lycanthrope imagery of a weird loneliness bartered by being away from his support, both in the familial sense and in what he once clinged to. Also, this happened on a show where Gene Okerlund will say "Holy balls" many times.

2. Trinity/Naomi

On Total Divas, Naomi got married to Jimmy Uso in what can be seen as the adorable peak to her character. Trinity is the only character on the show that I can genuinely say that I've never disliked. As misguided as the whole single thing is, it isn't insane for her character unlike Ariane's sudden turning into Tracy Jordan's wife in season one. And while every character on the show seems to have progressed into this bizarrely unlikable being at times, Trinity is still even keel. If anything, her man is the more outlandish and that is always played off as comedic then adorable then sweet. What I'm getting at is that she's earned a pretty wedding episode.

3. Jimmy Hart

Jimmy Hart can just lie down for 13 weeks (or however many episodes of Legends House there are) and I would still love him. I can't speak badly about the man who wrote "Rockhouse," was Andy Kaufman's manager, had the best obnoxious schtick with the megaphone, was responsible for "Keep on Dancin'," was responsible for "Eat Your Heart Out, Rick Springfield," was responsible for--you get the point. Jimmy Hart is just fantastic and can talk out of his butt for all I care.

4. Eva Marie

I'm sure you're as stunned as I am. This is going to take a lot of explanation. This week, Eva Marie essentially went through some of the worst stuff. It was genuinely hard to watch as Eva finds out about her uterine pain and that she apparently has what is referred to as a "misshaped uterus." Since we're ultra-conservative, the takeaway from this is that Eva might not be able to have children. But honestly, the whole nature of sudden pain from the uterus just made me feel sad and emotional in a genuine sense. I told a friend about this, and she opined that I see this type of pain as humanizing. And even if Eva is the worst at wrestling, she's still a human that is hard to see in pain. Extra points for her man not seeming like a douchebag!

5. Gene Okerlund

He said "Holy balls." That's enough.

6. Howard Finkel

He poorly played tennis. That's enough.

7. Brie Bella

Did you see her outfit? She's kind of the coolest when she wants to be.

8. Tony Atlas

There has never been a moment more wonderful in reality television internet streaming programs than the realization that Tony Atlas will once again get to laugh and I will get to see it. Also, please pay Tony Atlas a lot, WWE.

9. Summer Rae

Pretty sure she vanished, but someone still loves you Summer Rae.

10. Hillbilly Jim

I like that he looks like Gene Snitsky accelerated by those missing persons image time lapses.

11. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

I like that he entered the house looking like Tom Cruise circa Magnolia.

12. Nikki Bella

Not the worst!

13. Ariane

Also not the worst!

14. Pat Patterson

Not his fault, but I actually had to google who the eighth legend in the house was. I guess it's hard to outshine Gary Busey on the big stage.

15. Nattie

"I'd rather be a vanilla latte than a frappuccino with all the fixings." This explains everything I dislike about Nattie. The strongest of these is that frappuccinos are so good. They're fluid about what they are. Whipped cream? No whip? Mocha? Coffee? Vanilla bean? So delicious. She also does the requisite "I'm not like these women, I'm a lady" sort of horseshit that has colored the more slut-shamey aspects of her character as of late. Anyway, she goes to see a sex therapist, and what do you know, the therapist finds that she could do so much more than she does sexually. Points off for the therapist not saying "butt stuff" (when she clearly meant butt stuff!) and "boner times" (when she clearly talked about TJ's erection). You sex therapists need to be a buttload more informal.