Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The 2014 TWB 100: Meet Your Voters and Others Receiving Votes

The Crusher beat Triple H this year, so he's eligible
Photo via WPIX
Hello everybody and welcome to the grand opening of the slow release for the 2014 TWB 100. You guys voted for it, you guys wrote blurbs for it, and now you get to see the entire list unfold before your eyes. Even if you didn't vote, please enjoy the rankings and the words that the voters wrote for the wrestlers ranked in these spots. Speaking of said voters, this year's list had 76 distinct people turn in ballots, voting for a massive 477 wrestlers. Soon, SOON I will be able to compete with Pro Wrestling Illustrated and give a TWB 500 to compete with its PWI 500. MUHUHUHUHAHAHAHA! But until then, the following is everyone who turned in a ballot this year:

TH - Migrant seal blubber masseuse

De O'Brien - Author of The Stretch Plum, comptroller for Yolo County, CA

Dave Kincannon - Has once practiced the famous soliloquy from Hamlet with the real skull of Yorick

James Girouard - Too proud to rename himself "DakotaBoy"

Dan McQuade - Freelance writer for such rags as Philadelphia Magazine and the like, has been waiting in Temecula to fight Milton Street for three months now

Angelo Castillo - Knows what balut is but will not tell anyone who doesn't know because they may have just eaten lunch

Brock Lutefisk - TWB contributor in theory, has successfully avoided being eaten by Minnesotans for 11 years now, a new record!

Willow Maclay - Co-auteur of Push Cesaro, is able to function without her morning coffee

Julio del Aguila - Knows that you can't work in fast food all your life but is urging you not to sign that paper tonight

Jeff Stormer - Won't stop writing letters to Mike Quackenbush to induct Amasis into The Colony as Pharaoh Ant

Ryan Kilma - Thinks you're behind the times for going cow-tipping and instead urges everyone to go wolverine plucking

Frank McCormick - Used Earthquake. It's super-effective! Raichu fainted!

Kevin Held - Ring announcer and occasional wrestler in the Missouri/southern Illinois area, part of the Sam Bradford trade to the Eagles

Kyle Kensing - Founder of CFBHuddle, still waiting for PWG to book the big Stephen Godfrey/Clay Travis grudge match the world has been waiting for

Rene Sanchez - Former TWB contributor, is not Fred Armisen

Joshua Browns - The real University City Stretcher, in that he is a real, medical stretcher who has learned how to use words

Brian Brown - Sam Hinkie's civilian alter ego

Cewsh - Head bee guy at Cewsh Reviews, furiously working on a cure for the SHIMvirus in his spare time

Joey O. - DJ at YNot Radio, can connect everyone in recorded history back to Kim Deal in six steps or fewer

Bob Godfrey - Currently unstuck in time and had to resist the urge to vote for Georg Hackenschmidt and John Tolos

Brandon Bosh - Creator of False Underdog, has had a Koopa shell surgically attached to his back now that he doesn't live next to Italian plumbers anymore

John Henderson - Inventor of scrapple

Nick Ahlhelm - Just escaped from the Island from LOST and was only mauled by a polar bear twice

Charles Humphreys - Once held his bladder on a car ride from Austin, TX to Flint, MI just so he could set the world record for longest urination

Michael Dupin - TWB Texas Correspondent, future founder of Corgi Championship Wrestling

Mike Pankowski - Has chained himself to Nassau Colosseum in attempt to keep the Islanders from moving to Brooklyn

Bill DiFilippo - Emeritus of Black Shoe Diaries and Onward State, his signature flavor, B-Flip Trout and Guava, has replaced Peachy Paterno at the Penn State Creamery

Niel Jacoby - Currently is Robocop but two days from retirement

Brian Coulter - Saving up money for surgery to get military-grade laser installed in his right pinkie toe

Rich Thomas - Co-host of the International Object podcast, planning on attending WrestleMania this year in suit of armor

Alex Torres - Contributor at Free Pro Wrestling, is in possession of the fourth journal from Gravity Falls and hasn't told a soul except me... oops

Erica Molinaro - TWB Dispatcher from the Lake, has petitioned WWE to change main event of WrestleMania from Roman Reigns/Brock Lesnar to Lesnar watching paint dry

Chris Harrington - Host of WrestleNomics Radio, patiently waiting for a direct, 8-bit sequel to Kid Icarus

Brandon Spears - Will be rooting against CM Punk in his MMA debut for no reason at all

Joey Splashwater - Originator of Wrestling on Earth, planning on waging war against lettuce farmers the world over

Jesse Dlugosz - Has never met a hamster he hasn't wanted to give noogies too

Mat Morgan - Was once named Matt Morgan, but the wrestler gave the second T in his first name the Carbon Footprint so he could be alone with that name

Ryan Foster - Australian for beer

Brandon Armstrong - Once became an organ grinder on a dare

CJ Fleck - Could have been something, could've been a contender

Luke Starr - Fledgling recording artist, wrote the "floor pie" gag on The Simpsons

Andrew Smith - Has awoken with night terrors 14 out of the last 26 days

Andrew Hewitt - Was behind the one-day legalization of most drugs in Ireland thanks to forgetting carrying the one

Bryan Heaton - TWB Scribe, likes to shoot potatoes and other root vegetables with a gatling gun

Brandon Stroud - Lead muckety-muck at With Spandex and screenwriter, was kicked out of the Seven Dwarves for not being a dwarf

Chris McDonald - Will have a farm in 30 years, E-I-E-I-O

Lee Spriggs - Has the Nakamuraness inside of him, but won't share until he gets over his crippling fear of pugs wearing off-white sweaters

Pablo Alva - Wants you to know he's very disappointed in you

John Rosenberger - Third runner up for the Lady Byng Trophy in 1988, 1994, and 2011

Brandon Mars - Has purchased prime real estate in the Pacific Ocean for the day California falls into the sea

Brandon Kyla - Leader of Local Chapter of Brandons, organized mass Brandon ballot submittal

Joe Drilling - Co-host of the What A Maneuver, On the Stick, and ActionCast podcasts, is thrilled that you keep making his last name into a sex pun, really, he is

Drew Cordeiro - Owner of Championship Melt food truck and head booker of Beyond Wrestling, always cleans up after his wrestlers when they go boom boom, even Chris Dickinson

Bill Hanstock - Editor/writer at SB Nation and B-movie filmmaker, won and lost ownership stake of New Japan Pro Wrestling in one night from and to Jado and Gedo in a heated couple of games of sabacc

Kevin Newburn - Keeps reminding Phil Tippett that he ONLY HAD ONE JOB

Trey Irby - Former TWB Total Divas Reviewer, has constructed 37 Urban Meyer voodoo effigies

Scott Holland - TWB Royal Rumble and Podcast Manager, still wracking his brain on how to process #Axelmania

Brad Canze - Will resort to true muscle suicide if things go really, really, really wrong

Eamon Paton - Play by play announcer for Inspire Pro Wrestling, will play Ant Man when Paul Rudd gets too expensive for the role

Martin Bentley - Has been to Germany to watch wrestling and has confirmed that no, the wrestlers don't work in liederhosen

Brandon Rohwer - Knows what he did, oh yeah, he knows

Dan Vecellio - Former blogger at Black Shoe Diaries, secretly building a weather machine so he can take over the Tri-State Area

Devon Hales - Must be defeated within 15 minutes if you want access to the secret boss of the Hales family, Dustin

Rob Pandola - Doesn't have change for a $20 bill because if you've touched money, the government has your DNA

Joe Ellis - Founder of the Slurm Beverage Corp.

Tanner Teat - Had to change his last name, as in the Old Country, he was known as Tanner Boobie

Mike Tunison - Lead primate at Kissing Suzy Kolber, banking on no jury wanting to convict him when he finally snaps and takes out Peter King

Jesse Powell - Once caught Brock Lesnar while ice fishing

Chris Zinn - Swears up and down he can tell the difference between Carls, Jr. and Hardee's

Samuel DiMascio - Main scribe at Spandex Are Still Cool, can leap tall buildings in about 30,000 single bounds or so

TJ Hawke - Curator of Free Pro Wrestling, once got so mad he burnt down a Taco Bell with his mind

Ian Riccaboni - Ring announcer in training and writer at Phillies Nation, getting surgery so he can be the Barbarian for Halloween every year

Kris Zellner - Noted lucha whisperer, often settles every-day issues with luchas de apuestas and has only lost his hair four times

Francis Adu - Owner of his very own Donkey Kong mega-hammer

Steve Hummer - Eternal inhabitant of the demilitarized zone in the war between Sheetz and Wawa

Dylan Hales - Co-Founder of the TWB 100, kills a lemming every time Davey Richards no-sells something

Of course, with 477 wrestlers receiving votes and only 100 on the master list, that means a bunch of wrestlers who got voted for won't be on the countdown. Sad but true, but those performers will not be ignored. In fact, I will list them in descending order (meaning the one on top was the closest to making the list) without any other information except for one. A special wrestler who didn't make the list but got a first place vote and a loving blurb from the person who voted for him will have those words written about him placed at the end. Until then, the wrestlers who didn't make the cut are as follows:

Christopher Daniels
Brian Cage
Naomi
Alicia Fox
Aiden English
Drago
Davey Richards
King Cuerno
Curtis Axel
Jeff Hardy
Simon Gotch
Bo Dallas
Jervis Cottonbelly
Big Show
Titus O'Neil
Trent?
Mia Yim
Kofi Kingston
Brie Bella
Samoa Joe
Kane
Speedball Mike Bailey
Dan Barry
Missile Assault Ant
UltraMantis Black
LuFisto
Bully Ray
Cheerleader Melissa
Uhaa Nation
Matt Cross/Son of Havoc
Sin Cara
Emma
Dirty Andy Dalton
Joey Ryan
Rockstar Spud
Matthew Palmer
Gail Kim
Chris Jericho
Ophidian
Flex Rumblecrunch
Kenny Omega
Leva Bates/Blue Pants
Hanson
Heath Slater
Eric Young
Lashley
Christian
Rob van Dam
Adam Rose
Chris Dickinson
Ray Rowe
Veda Scott
Mickie Knuckles
Fandango
Nicole Matthews
Mark Henry
Fred Yehi
Bill Carr
Kongo Kong
Big Ryck/Ezekiel Jackson
Drew McIntyre/Galloway
MVP
Low Ki
Louis Lyndon
CM Punk
Kazarian
Baron Corbin
JT Dunn
Enzo Amore
Ethan Page
Jigsaw
Shaun Tempers
Ivelisse Velez
Chavo Guerrero
Jojo Bravo
Josh Alexander
El Torito
Archibald Peck/RD Evans
Barbi Hayden
Gary Jay/the Barn Owl
James Storm
Danny Cannon
John Silver
R-Truth
Hallowicked
Kitsune
Steve O'Reno
Vordell Walker
CJ Parker
Mil Muertes
Rickey Shane Page
Amasis
Chris Sabin
Frightmare
The Shard
Caleb Konley
Matt Taven
Matt Tremont
Madison Eagles
assailANT/Worker Ant
BJ Whitmer
Silas Young
Seiya Sanada
Stephanie McMahon
Colt Cabana
Big Cass
Mascarita Sagrada
Oleg the Usurper
Marion Fontaine
Diego
Keith Lee
Portia Perez
Kana
Darren Young
Kellie Skater
Fernando
Andrew Everett
Moose
Jaka
Rocky Romero
Kurt Angle
Aerostar
Alex Shelley
Undertaker
Matt Cage
Yuki Ishikawa
Josh Prohibition
Xavier Woods
Alexa Bliss
Magnus
Bull Dempsey
Viktor
Slim J
TJ Perkins/Manik
Justin Gabriel
David Starr
Stupefied/Player Dos
Nikki Storm
Estonian Thunder Frog
Tamina Snuka
Player Uno
Gregory Iron
Shane Hollister
Hiroshi Tanahashi
Hornswoggle
Jake Crist
Alex Reynolds
Jason Kincaid
Konnor
Willie Mack
Connor "The Crusher" Michalek
El Hijo del Ice Cream
Anthony Nese
Devin Cutter
Billy Gunn
Ice Cream, Jr.
Mario Bokara
Andrew Alexander
Mason Cutter
Chase Owens
Kevin Matthews
Reed Bentley
Rey Mysterio
Dave Crist
Seleziya Sparx
Brian Myers
Jessica James
Doc Gallows
Tadasuke
Mathieu St. Jacques
Mark Andrews
Rhyno
Joe Gacy
Zack Ryder
Brent Banks
Gran Akuma
Jonathan Gresham
Rob Conway
Obariyon
Jordynne Grace
Jax Dane
Ricky Starks
Serena Deeb
Qefka the Quiet
Kodama
CPA
KUSHIDA
Mike Santiago
Saraya Knight
Chris Richards
Oliver Grimsley
Ethan HD
Flip Kendrick
Kyle Matthews
Kenny King
Ken Anderson
Hania the Howling Huntress
Homicide
Jay Freddie
Colin Delaney
Thomas Shire
Cliff Compton
Anthony Stone
Brandon Espinosa
Vanessa Kraven
Sozio
Tomoka Nakagawa
The Bunny
Dragon Lee II
Bonesaw
ODB
Su Yung
The Caveman
Robbie E
Danny Havoc
Adam Page
Necro Butcher
Donovan Dijak
Kyle Reynolds
Awesome Kong
Will Ferrara
Freight Train
Zach Gowen
BLK Jeez
Summer Rae
Tommy Dreamer
Corey Graves
Layla
Eric Corvis
Steam-Powered Tentacle Boulder
Nick Ando
Luis "The Punisher" Martinez
Gunner
Buxx Belmar
Shane Strickland
Clutch Adams
Angelico
Cameron
Ashley Sixx
Bandido Jr.
Lance Anoa'i
Latvian Proud Oak
Dave Cole
Dan Maff
Shaheem Ali
Da'Marius Jones
Juntai Miller
John Wayne Murdoch
Everett Connors
Jamie Noble
Road Dogg
Joey Mercury
Melanie Cruise
Yoshi Tatsu
Mike Cruz
Courtney Rush
Mojo Rawley
Leon St. Giovanni
Supercop Dick Justice
CJ Esparza
Leah von Dutch
Tony Kozina
Akira Tozawa
Romantic Touch/Rhett Titus
Cheeseburger
Crash Test Dummy
Ace Hawkins
Angel Ortiz
Jake Dirden
Mike Spanos
Takaaki Watanabe
Neveah
Soldier Ant
Blue Demon, Jr.
Mandy Leon
Jinder Mahal
Evan Gelistico
Fallah Bah
Mercedes Martinez
AJ Williams
Mike Draztik
LeMarcus Clinton
Tadarius Thomas
Pimpinella Escarlata
Brian Kendrick
The Proletariat Boar of Moldova
Joe Pittman
Pete Dunne
Justice Jones
Cyrus the Destroyer
Gary Jackson
Scotty O'Shea
Andrew Wilder
El Mariachi Loco
Stockade
Delilah Doom
QT Marshall
Allysin Kay
Devon Moore
Mikey Whipwreck
Joey Janela
Tyson Dux
Taryn Terrell
Thomas Dubois
Tigre Uno
Beer City Bruiser
Steven Walters
Amber O'Neal/Gallows
N√łkken
Papadon
Camacho
Arctic Rescue Ant
Pasquale the Italian Chef
Brutal Bob Evans
Brian Fury
Bastian Snow
Corey Hollis
Cherry Bomb
Jesse Godderz
Jewells Malone
Lance Hoyt
Mr. Azerbaijan
Matt MacIntosh
Cortez Castro
Karl Anderson
Brodus Clay/Tyrus
Tracy Williams
Alexxia Nicole
Buddy Murphy
El Local
Drew Haskins
TJ Marconi
Mason Ryan
Wesley Blake
Chet Sterling
Bobby Beverly
Gangrel
Prakash Sabar
Carmella
Shanna
Thunderkitty
Angelina Love
Jeremiah Plunkett
Orange Cassidy
Sylvester Lefort
Great Khali
Eva Marie
Alpha Female
Pinkie Sanchez
Cheech Hernandez
Ace Rockwell
Rosa Mendes
Brett Gayika
Arik Cannon
Mikey Webb
Alex Koslov
Mr. Siks
Maria Kanellis
KT Hamill
Marcus Louis
Steve Corino
Nasty Russ
El Hijo del LA Park
Delirious
Aksana
Orbit Adventure Ant
T-Money
The Jersey Kidd
Byron Wilcott
Knux
Kobald
Shane Matthews
Marek Brave
Michael BS Hayes
Jake Something/Jacob Hollows
Mike Sydal
Jake Roberts

All the wrestlers above are active and currently alive except for one. Connor "The Crusher" Michalek wasn't an active pro wrestler. In fact, he was only a mere child when pediatric brain cancer cruelly ended his life shortly after WrestleMania XXX. However, he didn't leave this mortal coil without leaving a mark on everyone who knew him, from Daniel Bryan and the WWE brass all the way down to the fans who cried when they saw him celebrate with Bryan after Mania and again when news of his passing broke. De O'Brien used her first-place vote on him this year, and before anyone says he wasn't a wrestler, the kid has a video-documented victory over Triple H this year. He counts, he's eligible, and if you don't like it, I don't like you. O'Brien wrote the following blurb for Michalek:

Usually, it's very hard for wrestling fans when someone in the business passes away. Wrestlers are the closest thing we have to superheroes, and to see someone we believed would outlive us all die is sad, sometimes horrible, and always tragic.

It's worse when that person is a small child. Connor "The Crusher" Michalek was an eight year old superfan stricken with an unfair and incurable form of cancer, but oh, was he larger than his eight years of life. He was charming, brilliant, honest, funny, a fan of Daniel Bryan, a beautiful little kid who has the distinction of pinning Triple H clean after a knockout punch.

Kenta Kobashi beat cancer and got lucky. Connor couldn't. He passed away after seeing his hero Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania XXX, leaving everything behind way too soon.

As a parent, this is the kind of story you never want to hear. As a wrestling fan, it's the sort of thing that makes you believe in how kind people in the business are, how sometimes they can be kind and be gentle with the people who need them to be most. As a person, Connor's story both breaks my heart and makes me happy - happy because he got to be a part of something he loved with people who all loved him right up til the end.

This year, Connor is being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, receiving the first ever Warrior Award. Daniel Bryan will be one of the people inducting him, along with Warrior's wife. There are plenty of people who have a lot to say about that, most of it good, some of it really not; I'm really glad they're doing it. Connor deserves to be immortalized that way.

When the nominations for the TWB Ballots were announced, I knew - I've known since last year - that Connor was going to be my Number One pick. He was.

And he still is.

Thanks, Connor. For everything.