Thursday, March 19, 2015

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 113

Does this make my mixtape? YES! YES! YES!
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

While I count WrestleMania XXX as perhaps the best Mania of all-time, or at least the second best to the immortal X-7, I only counted one match that could have made the tape. However, that match was my favorite from last year and one of the best I've ever seen. Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H would definitely crack the tape, but that match would have a domino effect on the rest of the tape. Trips is already wrapped up in The Streak match from the aforementioned X-7, which is still the best one of the 21-match run (or at least a close #2 behind the first Shawn Michaels one at XXV). So now Taker would be open, but who'd replace Trips across from him? Both the best answers, CM Punk and Shawn Michaels, are occupied in the WWE and Intercontinental Championship matches respectively.

The decision would have to be made as to which match is less essential to the overall fabric of Mania history, and that answer is easy. Punk vs. Chris Jericho was good, but it wasn't essential. So CM Punk vs. Undertaker from WrestleMania XXIX is inserted into the Streak spot. In order to replace the WWE Championship match then, Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar from WrestleMania XIX is then put into the rotation, which would eliminate Angle/Randy Orton/Rey Mysterio from the tape, as well as leave Chris Jericho without a dance partner. But leaving Orton, Mysterio, and Jericho off the collection isn't that bad of a sin. For as great as they are as performers, I don't think any one of them really had an essential Mania moment. So now, the order becomes this:

Open. Bryan/Trips
2. Cena/Show
3. Savage/Warrior
4. Punk/Undertaker
5. Dudleys/Hardys/Edge and Christian
6. Austin/Hart
7. Michaels/Razor
8. Angle/Lesnar
9. Piper/Goldust
Main Event. Rock/Hogan
I'd be cheating if I named Uhaa Nation, since he's been mostly confirmed as a signing. He'll do fantastically well if he escapes the sucking void of institutional racism that Vince McMahon seems to harbor, but at least he'll tear up NXT before he gets to the main roster. As for a dude who is unsigned as of right now, gimme Bad Bones. The guy has the look of a WWE superstar, and he taps into an international market that the company hasn't really tapped into as much in, Germany. Give him some time in NXT to acclimate to WWE, put him against Cesaro, and let him work on his English (which is decent enough for him to use Twitter).

The mid-'90s were a dark time for professional wrestling. In-ring work wasn't as valued as it is today in the American mainstream and WWE in particular, and for some reason, more than one company thought Sid Eudy and his softball-playing ass were valuable in more than a "run in and powerbomb dudes" capacity. Granted, his bat-shit insane mic work was entertaining, but was it "headline two installments of WWE's marquee show" entertaining? Especially against peak-bloat Hulk Hogan and pre-HOSS PRIME Undertaker? Cocaine is a hell of a drug, man.

TJ is progressing fine for his age. He's already potty-trained, using full sentences, and eating like a big kid. However, whoever called it the Terrible Twos and not the Thunderous Threes is a dipshit, because once TJ turned three, he turned into a holy terror. Meanwhile, Josie is teething, but other than that, she's a pleasant, happy baby. A little too pleasant if you ask me.

I'd start with a 50% raise ($7.5M) and negotiate from there. Lesnar is worth every penny at this point, even if I find Paul Heyman to be more grating and annoying by the week at this point.

I really don't know other than it being a nervous tic. Some wrestlers just have mannerisms that they can't shake. You may just have to live with it.

Sid had charisma, sure. But the charisma he had in 1991 never developed into anything of worth. Reigns may or may not evolve meaningfully during his career, although he's shown tremendous growth on promos in the last month or so. I'm not so sure Sid is the right comp for Reigns here. Maybe he'll end up like Lex Luger, with a spotty career that shows a lot of promise at various points. A lot of what Reigns might end up as will be revealed in the aftermath of Mania, whether he wins or loses.

That dog at least knows what Baseball Prospectus is, so I'm going to answer with a resounding YES.

I have not, actually. I have little patience for longer YouTube videos unless I'm in the mood to watch them, and even then, if I'm watching long vids, they're wrestling matches rather than anything else. But I'm ecstatic that more and more people in "legitimate" arts are paying mind to pro wrestling. The more rasslin' is ingratiated into other areas of pop culture, maybe the more acceptance it'll gain and it might end up going straight and stop being so goddamn carny. Speaking of which...

You're absolutely right in feeling that way. Blood is a vestige of an era long past, one that maybe required blood to keep up the veneer of kayfabe. But today, everyone knows it's staged. Feigned violence doesn't need a crimson leak in order to pop off the screen and slap one across the face. The bumps themselves should be able to make the audience gasp without the need for spilling of bodily fluids, especially given what people know about hepatitis, AIDS, and other pathogens.

Kelly's teams are fast, offensively innovative, and big, so Uhaa Nation, Kevin Owens, Moose, and the War Beard Hanson are the obvious picks. Of course, no one on the roster is safe, so don't be surprised if it's turned over once a week, but those four guys are the core.

Usually, I don't imbibe during wrestling events because I like to cover them with a clear mind, but this year's Mania has been built so dreadfully that I might have a token beer, probably an Oskar Blues Old Chub scotch ale. But as for the food, the Mrs. and I will probably put out a spread featuring meatballs, chips, pizza rolls, and whatever else happens to pop into my head. It won't be extravagant, but it won't be the typical "whatever's in the pantry" for other pay-per-views.

No, but it would have to go TO free travel/food/ticket. Even if WrestleMania was built worse than it was this year, the live spectacle is what sells it, not the actual card. Everyone always wants to say they've been to Mania, right? I want that. The expenses, especially at the last minute, would be daunting, but if I got a free ride the whole way, I'd be there, especially if I was able to score a ticket to the NXT or ROH shows along with SHIMMER.
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