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| Dead or not, you respect the fucking legend, alright? Photo Credit: SADIA/Gamma-Rapho, Getty Images |
1. Tom Petty (Last Week: Not Ranked) - God, can one week go by without someone titanic, either personally or more worldly dying? Petty was a major god of rock 'n roll, the man who received the torch of Southern rock from Lynyrd Skynyrd and kept running with it and running with it and running with it some more. Name a Tom Petty song. Odds are, it's someone's favorite Tom Petty song. He wrote nothing but bangers. He peered into the soul of America from such a folksy but relatable point of view. It was almost impossible to hate his music. He even had a turn on King of the Hill that was not only more memorable than 99 percent of all cartoon guest runs, but was actually a regular gig. Imagine that, a rock legend recurring on an animated adult sitcom. Latest reports had him "clinging to life," but it's not looking good at all, and whether he miraculously survives or indeed does or has passed, everything I've written here is true and then some.
2. Toni Storm (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I can't believe I left Storm off last week's rankings. I blame the CHUDs. Anyway, it appears she's eschewed the tiny hat, but that's fine, because she's still kicking ass and taking names. My only critique is that Mayu Iwatami had to go and get injured to necessitate her big title win in STARDOM, which is no one's fault at all. In related news, best of luck in recovering for the former World of STARDOM Champion.
3. Nifty Fifty's Chicken Nuggets (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Philly locals know of Nifty Fifty's either for the retro soda-shop motif and the great food, or the fact that the business practices are, well, in a word shady. However, the ones left, including the one near my house in the suburbs, still serve up great grub. We catered our kids' birthday party with their chicken nuggets, and they are a cut above. Of course, they're made with white meat chicken breast and not pink slime like other top nuggets like Wendy's or McDonald's, which I'm not slamming, by the way. But man, sometimes, you just want the real magilla.
4. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 2) - I gotta stop whiffing on these and precluding all the good Strowman content for the week after the rankings go up late. Either way, just imagine he ate an entire building and used the CN Tower as a toothpick.
5. Jason Peters (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Eagles offense is humming in no small part to the unsung heroes on the offensive line, none more worthy than future Hall of Famer Jason Peters. He's faced 76 pass rushes in the last two games against dudes like Olivier Vernon and Joey Bosa, and not only has he not given up a sack, he's not even given up a pressure. Add that to the way the Eagles have run wild on the ground the last two weeks, and you bet your sweet asses you'd better kiss the rings.
6. Asuka (Last Week: 8) - How is Asuka keeping busy before debuting on the RAW brand and consuming the souls of everyone on said roster? By showing she has excellent taste in beefy NXT boys, that's how.
7. Cesaro (Last Week: 7) - So, last week, Cesaro had his teeth shoved up into his skull. This week, he has a shirt commemorating it. Wrestling fans, myself included, don't deserve this man.
8. Lockjaw (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, I'm not gonna lie to you; Inhumans didn't get off to the best start. The acting is cheesy, the dialogue is even more unintentionally hilarious, and it felt like the plot, although solid in basis, had the tendency to assume the audience knew things it didn't. But I'll be damned if I don't put over a giant drooly English bulldog that can teleport back and forth. I want a Lockjaw. I WANT ONE.
9. Russell Westbrook (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Westbrook not only struck a chord for small markets by extending himself with the Oklahoma City Thunder when he could've probably netted big bucks in Los Angeles or somewhere else, but he did it on the birthday of Kevin Durant, who skipped town to sign in a more glamorous location by comparison. Russell Westbrook is a better edgy babyface than anyone Vince McMahon has ever promoted, and that includes "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Even in the face of such BEEF as Lars Sullivan, Oney Lorcan showed that he is always here for porkin'.
