Thursday, November 9, 2017

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 212

Kane's backstory is incredibly scarring
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

It depends. Would you rather see your family die in an earthquake you survived with great pain, only to become the avatar of death but also being unable to escape a life of gladiatorial torment? Or would you rather be a psycho arsonist who was the illegitimate son of a psychologically abusive mortician who was far more supportive of your hated half-brother? My guess is since Kane's intense self-loathing led him to become a hardcore adherent of Austrian economics, I will go with him.

So many matches deserve the documentary treatment. Would I choose the lowest hanging fruit possible and say Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart in Montreal? Would I go outside the box and say Mitsuharu Misawa vs. Toshiaki Kawada on June 3, 1994? How about Michaels vs. Steve Austin at WrestleMania XIV along with the urban legend of Undertaker threatening HBK beforehand to ensure that Austin went over without shenanigans? Ultimately, the match that comes to mind strongest is perhaps the most important and mythical match in modern wrestling history, the main event of WrestleMania III. Even though the two most germane voices to the conversation, Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan, are both poisoned and unreliable, it would be interesting to see a third party dig in and do some presenting of what was perhaps the grandest spectacle in wrestling history. Besides, you can't do enough exposition on Andre the Giant.

Breakfast is easy. Gimme three eggs, sunny side up, hash browns with onions and peppers, a cup of black coffee, and of course, the meat of the gods, pork roll. Lunch has a little more variety. Do I go for a burger? Tacos? Pizza? I think deep down, I'm a creature of habit, so gimme a burger, preferably with bacon and an runny egg on it, cheddar cheese, and an order of tater tots on the side. Either water or some kind of calorie free, caffeinated beverage. For dinner, gimme dat steakhouse dinner. Start me with a wedge salad with bleu cheese dressing, then move onto a porterhouse, medium rare, with potatoes au gratin and creamed spinach on the side. Water is fine. I don't need anything more than water unless it has caffeine in it and not a lot of sugar.

The only answer to this question is John Cena. The only opponent for him is Hiroshi Tanahashi. Ace vs. Ace. Aughts vs. Aughts. I'm shaking just thinking about it.

The obvious answers would be Japan, Mexico, Germany, and Oceania (Australia and New Zealand). Those places already have defined wrestling scenes of varying age. WWE could go to any one of those places and establish a brand, but man, the idea of fantasy booking a megalith trying to muscle out or co-opt the existing promotions there feels gross. China, however, is a rife breeding ground for a cultivated wrestling scene, and honestly, even though it would be just as gross for that country to have its wrestling culture installed by Vince McMahon, it might also be the best case example to jump start its scene using corporate installation. WWE China would come first, and then in a country of one billion people, McMahon would have absolutely no way to quash an indie movement springing from it. The same could be said with India, to be honest, and with Ring Ka King and WWE's longstanding visits there, it might be even more ready to break out. But China is the rasa tabula.

In the offices? None of it. It was all a shoot, even with Eric Bischoff and other castoffs from the office coming under McMahon's heel afterwards. However, among the boys, I'm sure it was mostly for posture, especially given how many people went back and forth between the companies. Sure, Shawn Michaels toeing a company line might have sounded good, but basically every single one of his friends went to WCW at some point. I'm sure to him, it just sounded good to pump up his home company.

The long and boring answer is "keep growing slowly." WWE is not going to become vulnerable overnight, and NJPW is in the best position of any other company because it has a history that rivals WWE's in length and a strong home base that it can retreat to if things over hear go pear-shaped. In the meantime, the plan of eventually doing more shows over here and poaching WWE "legends" or low-establishment castoffs to build more name recognition will keep raising brand awareness (ugh, I feel dirty after typing that phrase) until one day, bam, it picks off a name WWE guy in his (always "his" because the next time NJPW actively pushes a women's division will be the first) prime, and now the buzz is such that maybe a television network might offer it a time-slot for first run programming. It's all speculative at this point, to be fair, but I don't think a magic bullet is gonna fell WWE. A single promotion is going to have to keep chipping at the stone, and NJPW is pretty much the only company that can do that right now.

Oof, both of those guys are difficult to deal with. Do you go with Kane, who only shows up every half year or so, but just gets viable guys fed to him like logs into a wood-chipper, or do you go with McMahon, who is on more of a biweekly engagement of shitty punches and unenthusiastic mic work? Ultimately, I can take McMahon even with the greater frequency because he never wins matches and often falls off some shit to make it look like a spectacle. Kane provides none of that, and I bet you WWE finds some way to protect him when he eventually puts over Braun Strowman. The answer is Kane. It's always been Kane.

It's a shortlist that also features Chicago and Austin, but I think I'd take Los Angeles first. Pro Wrestling Guerrilla is a huge reason why, obviously, but the local scene is also vibrant. Plus, New Japan Pro Wrestling's American home is in nearby Long Beach, and also, post-show In 'N Out is the immortal tiebreaker.

So at WrestleKingdom, Chris Jericho and Kenny Omega are coming to the ring. Jericho gets halfway down the ramp and tells Omega "Hey, STUPID, you didn't think I would come here alone, did you?" and "Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta" starts scratching through the Tokyo Dome. The Shield pops out of the crowd and surrounds the ring before descending on Omega like jackals. The rest of the Bullet Club comes out, but the Hounds of Justice retreat before they can engage. Over the next few months, Jericho returns to WWE, gloating about sticking it to New Japan, while security increases at WWE events to keep retaliation from happening. Then, at WrestleMania, Jericho comes out for his match teaming with Shane McMahon against Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn with a bunch of extras in metal shirts and torn jeans and long hair on the sides of him, an elaborate entrance. That is, until it's revealed that it's the Bullet Club in disguise. They pretty much go apeshit on all four wrestlers, especially sticking it to McMahon as a message. The WWE roster spills out until more wrestlers appear from under the stage. It's a full-scale New Japan invasion as pretty much everyone except for Kazuchika Okada and Hiroshi Tanahashi, held back because they're too important to risk for invasion, is brawling. It's clear WWE and NJPW have bad blood now so they're going to settle it in the ring at WWE vs. New Japan Invasion Mania.

Main Event #1
John Cena vs. Kazuchika Okada

Main Event #2
Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins vs. Kenny Omega and the Young Bucks

AJ Styles, Shinsuke Nakamura, and Finn Bálor vs. Cody Rhodes, Marty Scurll, and Hangman Page

Chris Jericho vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi

Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens vs. Tetsuya Naito and EVIL

Braun Strowman vs. Tomohiro Ishii

Big E, Kofi Kingston, and Xavier Woods vs. Minoru Suzuki, Zack Sabre, Jr., and El Desperado

Triple H vs. Gedo

Pete Dunne vs. Hiromu Takahashi

Of course, booking this thing would be nearly impossible, almost impossible as it coming together. However, I think I'd watch that show. What about you?
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