Friday, March 30, 2018

NXT In 60 Seconds

Ladies and gentlevillains — E C III
Photo Credit:
Rental Car: pulls up "Earlier Today"
Scumbag: gets out
Full Sailors Outside: BOOOOOOOOO
Cameraman's Questions: get ignored
Tomasshole: Mr. Regal! What is going on?  Johnny... he... he shows up at my work and sneak attacks me — the last act of a desperate scoundrel, may I add — my physical therapy. my apartment at three in the morning!  This is on you!
Master Regal: Johnny is out of order, I concur.
Tomasshole: I want him gone for good!
Master Regal: I propose to you at Takeover: New Orleans an unsanctioned match.
Tomasshole: Me?  In an unsanctioned match?  You know who I am, boss, you know what that means...
Master Regal: Should Johnathon win, he gets his job back.  Should you win, he's banished from NXT forever.
Tomasshole: For good?
Master Regal: nods For good.  But this time, Mr. Ciampa, you'll have to do it...yourself.
Ciampa: skulks away
Master Regal: heads inside the arena for An Important Announcement (that those of you reading this probably know already but w/e)

[opening credits]

Master Regal: enters the ring
Full Sailors: Regal!  Regal!  Regal!  Regal!  
Master Regal: I'd like to welcome you all to the show.
Full Sailors: cheer
Master Regal: Week in and week out, we bring you the best competitors from around the world.  As we continue to grow and expand, we need to find the standard bearers from everywhere around the world.  In line with that thinking, I am incredibly happy to announce at Takeover: New Orleans the debut of the NXT North American championship. 
Full Sailors: cheer
Master Regal: The first champion will carry that belt with pride, and continue our tradition of bringing you the best competitors from around the globe.
Familiar Voice To Orlando Wrestling Fans: I am in the top one percent!
Full Sailors: cheer louder E C III!  E C III!  E C III!
CFO$, Probably: I am!  The top one!  Top one percent!  I am!  The top one!  Top one percent!
ECIII: fires up his moniker on the Tron a la Robert Roode, Esq and gets in the ring I'm going to bask in this moment, because I deserve it.  You can keep that chant going, by all means.
ECIII: Mr. Regal this is... too much!  I knew you were kind when you brought me into the hottest brand of sports and entertainment, NXT.  I knew you were reasonable when you rolled out the red carpet for me to strut — my — stuff and sign me to a very lucrative contract.   And how about that banger of a theme song, huh?
Full Sailors: One percent!  One percent!
ECIII: bobs his head to the chant But I didn't know you were so logical, to go out of your way to create a championship...
William Regal's Face: dafuq
Some Full Sailors: laughing
ECIII: And award this North American title to me on my very first day!
ECIII: You're a very smart man, because only one man can represent the greatest region in the world (leans in and pats Regal on the back) North America...
Full Sailors: cheer
ECIII: ...a literal human money-printing machine...
Everybody But Master Regal: E C THREE!
Master Regal: Mr... Indeterminate Last Name, I'm happy to have you on board as a competitor, but no one is handed anything here.  You're very capable, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten signed.  So in New Orleans you will compete for the North American championship.
ECIII: smiles
Master Regal: Against five other men.
ECIII: smiles less
Master Regal: With the North American championship suspended over the ring.
ECIII: smiles even less
Master Regal: It's going to be a ladder match, is what I'm saying.
Full Sailors: cheer
ECIII: is not smiling
Full Sailors: do the D-Bry chant — it's back in vogue now, you know  Thank you, Regal!  clap clap clapclapclap
ECIII: mouths along with the chant, looking non enthused but pulls himself together in short order Mr. Regal, it can be five men, ten men, 15 men, hell, the whole roster, but come New Orleans?  I'll show everyone why I'm the top one percent of this industry.
Both Men: shake hands
Regal: leaves
ECIII: smiles again and gets another hearty round of applause

TM61: ("Earlier Today" at the PC) We just can't seem to get over the hump.  We need to change our attitude, maybe?  Sick of being in this position, because the Mighty Don't Kneel...
Cameraman: has noticed what's behind them and runs into the room to follow it
What's Behind TM61: a room in the PC
What's Happening In This Room In The PC: a fight
Shayna Baszler: whales away on Ember Moon
Ember Moon: whales away on Shayna Baszler
Homer Simpson: essentially in the background flipping a light switch off and on
Camerman: goes down in the process but still does their job like a boss
NPCs: Break it up!  Come on, you guys!  Not here!  Break it up!  (etc)
Both Women: swear vengeance on the other

Street Profits: swag on out
the Authors of Pain: walk out, but possibly in Samoan and intimidatingly
Montez Ford: talks smack, gets piefaced, tags out
the Authors: work over Dawkins
Angelo Dawkins: lands some moves
Ford: celebrates on the outside, then almost bumps into Paul Ellering before offering him a sip
Full Sailors: Take a sip!  Take a sip!
Ellering: bats it out of Ford's hand
Full Sailors: BOO!
Ford: glowers at Ellering
Ellering: backs up the ramp
the Authors: Last Chapter!
Referee: Winners! 

Kathy Kelley, Beam Of Pure Light: Mr. Regal, who else will be involved in the North American title match?
Master Regal: Adam Cole will be involved in the match as well.
Velveteen Dream: Regal.
Master Regal: Dream.
Dream: You look well.
Regal: I know.
Dream: This match is groundbreaking, but it's not an experience the NXT Universe can get behind without the Dream.
Regal: I...concur.  You are the third competitor.
Dream: The announcement broke ground, but by putting the Dream just set the stage.  leaves
Regal: You know, he reminds me of a young me. 

Lars Sullivan: is back from the side of the milk carton
Victim: is half his size
Lars: gooifies the poor bastard Avalanche!  Press powerslam!  Diving headbutt!  Freak Accident!
Referee: Winner!
Lars: heads to the back
Master Regal: Mr. Sullivan, just the man I wanted to see.  I would like to insert you into the North American championship match in New Orleans.
Lars: Sounds fantastic, William.  I will unequivocally and categorically wreak destruction that only I can...not only with my bare hands, but with a ladder.  Enjoyable as this news comes, I still want Killian Dain.
Master Regal: No worries, he's in the match as well.
Lars: looks happy but not as happy as he could be
Master Regal: In accordance to your wishes and my wishes to not have what you Yanks call "a bullshit-ass go home show", I will make the match betwixt Killian and yourself for next week.
Lars: GOOD.  

Dakota Kai: comes out
God''s Production Team: To the parking lot!
Andrade "Cien" Almas: is beating the crap out of Aleister Black, continues to beat the crap out of Aleister Black, then comes inside the arena to continue beating the crap out of Aleister Black (yelling this in Spanish) You're going to respect your champion!  You're going to respect my ... business associate!  chair shot across the back
Aleister: crumples
Cien: (still in Spanish) I'm the champion!  I'M the championn!  Respect me!  Respect Zerlina!  holds up the belt
Referees: come out to check on Aleister
Cien: heads to the back, holding the belt up at the apex of the ramp one more time before leaving
Aleister: ugh

SAnitY: comes out for the other semifinal
BruiserStrong: provide the opposition
Both Teams: threaten to have this break down into a Pier 4 a couple of times early
Drake: Come on, guys, don't make me break out the staple gun.
SAnitY: gain the advantage
BruiserStrong: take it back
Wolfe & Strong: get tagged in and throw hands
Full Sailors: cheer increasingly louder
Wolfe: Let me give to you the suplex of my people!  DVD!
Strong: Kickout!
SAnitY: Eurocut wheelbarrow!
Dunne: save
EY: takes him out Savage elbow!
Strong: kicks out, then lands some kicks from his back Half nelson backbreaker!
Wolfe: Save!
Dunne: blind tags back in
BruiserStrong: Cloud Bitter End!
Referee: Winners!
BruiserStrong: reluctantly fist bump

Kathy Kelley: Mr. Regal, who is the last entrant for the North American title match in New Orleans?
Master Regal: Actually, I have just finalized this participant.  Let me retrieve this man, since he's in my office.
A Couple Beats Later: a young me emerges from the office
Full Sailors: huge pop
The King: I'll see you at Takeover.  smiles
Full Sailors: Rick O'Shea!  Rick O'Shea!  Rick O'Shea!  Rick O'Shea!