Monday, April 23, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for April 23, 2018

A hero.
Photo Credit: News and Tribune
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. James Shaw, Jr. (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The amount of mass shootings in this country is both staggering and grotesque, and rarely do good stories come out of them. The Waffle House shooter in Nashville still killed four people before Shaw heroically disarmed him with his own bare hands, so it's not exactly a perfect story. Then again, who really is prepared to deal with a naked psychopath opening fire in a public place? Not even a good guy with a gun could have prevented shots from firing, but Shaw, who had zero firepower on his person, kept the death toll from rising to even more tragic numbers. If I were in his situation, I'm not sure I'd have been able to do what he did, which is what makes his feat even more stunning.

2. Ben Simmons (Last Week: 2) - The Sixers are on the brink of moving onto the second round mainly because Simmons has taken over the series. People are starting to compare him to LeBron James, which is fine I guess, but honestly, it's not fair to Simmons because he's going to surpass James soon every player is his own unique person, and thus comparisons like that aren't right.

3. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - I'm more excited for the prospect of Bryan vs. Samoa Joe headlining a WWE pay-per-view in 2018 than I am for anything else on Smackdown outside of perhaps how Shinsuke Nakamura is going to punch AJ Styles in the groin next. Imagine that, WWE signed Nakamura and turned him into Toru Yano. It's amusing, sure, but for real, man. For real. Sheesh.

4. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - She darted from the back on Smackdown, and everyone scurried for their lives, reinforcing the fact that she's lethal down to her pinkie nail. I mean, I don't know how long that reenergizing of her aura is going to last because lol Road Dogg and PS Hayes, but still, in theory, it shows losses shouldn't really hurt a wrestler.

5. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 3) - Honestly, I'm stoked for Roman Reigns to finally beat Brock Lesnar at the House of Saud Fuck Money Show on Friday because it means the next logical step is for him to CATCH THESE HANDS once again, right? I mean, Strowman murking Reigns after Elimination Chamber meant he wasn't finished with him. It had to.

6. Sean Couturier (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Some playoff efforts are good. Others are herculean. Couturier's was sisyphean, in that he came back from getting rammed in his knee in practice by teammate (and possible Penguins sleeper agent) Radko Gudas and posted a five point effort in the Flyers' loss on Sunday. Couturier scored a hat trick and assisted on the team's other two goals, and yet Gudas and the other worthless piece of crap defensemen and woefully overmatched goalie Michal Neuvirth allowed the Pens to notch eight as the defending Cup Champions punched their card to the second round. Coots revealed after the game he did all of that on a torn MCL as well, which was both dumb but also strangely heroic. It's a shame such a game and a season was wasted because Ron Hextall has an affinity for bad defensemen and coach Dave Hakstol can't coach and chew gum at the same time, but hey, that's been the lot of Flyers' fans since 1975. The names change, but the story stays the same.

7. Macaroni and Cheese (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I did some fat kid meal prep this week and made meatloaf and shells 'n cheese for my lunches Monday through Thursday. It wasn't your mother's meatloaf or boxed mac 'n cheese though. The starch component was a two-cheese blend featuring smoked gouda and black pepper cheddar, because what goes better on mac 'n cheese than some cracked black pepper? Folks, it was goddamn tasty. I'm proud of myself.

8. Papa Shango (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Absolute Intense Wrestling likes to mine the nostalgia pipeline, and it works most of the time. Shango was no exception, as he came in, did his strange magic, and made someone puke up the black goo. Honestly, if I'm booking Charles Wright in 2018, I'm having him do exactly that, unless I can get a guarantee that he can grapplefuck. Then, it's Kama the Ultimate Fighting Machine vs. Timothy Thatcher in Bloodsport rules, baybay!

9. Danielle Fishel (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Fishel is already one of Pro Wrestling Guerrilla's two coolest fans (can't forget about Sofia Vergara now), but man, her appreciation for the Bad Boy himself, Joey Janela, kicks her up a few notches. I wonder if she's got any mark photos with Vader back from when he was a frequent guest star on Boy Meets World...

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Now let's everybody do the Porkin Dance!