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| Murder Grandpa is back again! Photo via Fightland at VICE |
1. Minoru Suzuki (Last Week: 3) - The G1 Climax started this past weekend, and Suzuki took home match of the night honors with Hiroshi Tanahashi on night one, according to those who watched. Of course, the beloved Murder Grandpa didn't get the win, but I do believe he was able to hit Tanahashi with the dreaded "Why are you hitting yourself, huh?" At least that's the impression I got seeing the gifs from the match. Anyway, wins and losses are above Suzuki, because he will kill you in his sleep — not your sleep, HIS sleep — regardless.
2. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 4) - Well, the fun game of cat and mouse trying to decode whether or not he signed on the dotted line ended after insiders remarked that he did indeed sign on said dotted line this past weekend. For his efforts, he was rewarded with a continuance on the Team Hell No reunion, which, believe me, is suboptimal, but hey, his future is solidified for now. So what if he won't battle LA Park at Arena Mexico in a Bucket of Cum on a Pole match. Miz at WrestleMania isn't a bad consolation prize, given how their feud is probably one of the few good things in WWE right now.
3. Kagetsu (Last Week: 9) - So the Prime Minister of STARDOM came up short in both her trios matches this past weekend. She was distracted, trying to activate sleeper agents in the United States Government while Donald Trump was overseas gladhanding Vladimir Putin. She didn't, however, see him going all by himself. Sometimes, you just can't plan your enemies being that stupid.
4. Kylian Mbappé (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Mbappé netted two goals to clinch the World Cup for France over Croatia. While horrendous officiating and unforced errors had as much to do with Croatia's downfall as France's good play, one cannot overstate how crucial the African-French teenager was at sealing the deal for Les Bleus. Mbappé becomes the newest French soccer hero, and unlike the previous one, Zinedine Zidane, he didn't have to headbutt anyone to get there. Not that I'm saying violence is bad, per se, but man, do you know how much damage you do to yourself using your head as a weapon?
5. Las Margaritas' Bean Dip (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - You gotta find yourself the cheap Mexican place staffed completely by ethnic folk in your area if you can, because odds are, it'll be amazing. Las Margaritas is Northeast Philly's version, and its signature item is probably its bean dip, which is just a dollop of smooth, creamy refried beans dumped into a lake of melted queso. I could eat about five servings of it.
6. Gangrel (Last Week: Not Ranked) - What happens when Geoffrey the Giraffe appears in a battle royale you're in and starts housing shit? Well, you do the only thing you can do...
7. Braun Strowman (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I understand that sometimes, a dude makes you so mad that you just wanna hurt him real bad. And yeah, throwing him from the top of a cage through the announce table is a good call. So Strowman makes the list for nearly annihilating Kevin Owens Sunday. But man, at least just exit the cage first and then toss him or something. Win the match! Or maybe not. I mean, he does have the briefcase.
8. Maikel Franco (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Phillies kinda limped into the All-Star Break, dropping two of three to the lowly Marlins. However, Franco's bat tried its best to keep the Phillies in every game. However, he may not be a Phillie for much longer, as he's one of the rumored pieces to be sent to Baltimore for Manny Machado. If so, then godspeed, Maikel, godspeed.
9. Kris Wolf (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Wolf came over to America in search of MEAT and found a kitty to chase at Black Label Pro. Okay, so calling Allie Kat a kitty might be a bit disrespectful, but what else do you think would happen when a mighty dog hunter gets in the ring with indie wrestling's Maureen Ponderosa-slash-Bastet?
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Oney Lorcan est là pour porkin'.
