|"You flame-ass Dorito..."|
Photo via The Sporting News
1. Tama Tonga (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The leader of Bullet Club's offshoot faction of OG members and also the son of Haku went off on a promo, and people started going off on him. He didn't just shrug the haters off, instead offering to melt down on them. Unlike most meltdowns however, this one was entertaining for the right reasons, including him causing a rando to get extremely mad at being called a "Dorito." I mean the dude got so mad at being called a snack chip that he, a Welshman, accused Tonga, who works in Japan and is Tongan by birth, of committing a federal crime in the United States. That is 80 levels of Mad Online, so I have nothing but respect for my true Bullet Club leader.
2. Minoru Suzuki (Last Week: 1) - Murder Grandpa has been having a rough time of things in the G1, only snagging four points out of a total of eight so far. However, his latest win came over noted Knife Pervert Jay White, who to that point was undefeated in G1 action, scoring wins over both Kazuchika Okada and Hiroshi Tanahashi in the process. Maybe he won't win his block, but he'll definitely try to stab someone in the process, and I am here for it.
3. Kagetsu (Last Week: 3) - Donald Trump went into a crazed tirade against the Iranian President late last night on Twitter, which was to deflect attention not away from his shady dealings with Russia, but the fact that Oedo Tai had reportedly infiltrated the Department of the Interior. Could Prime Minister of the Glorious People's Republic of STARDOM Kagetsu be far from overthrowing the Trump Administration? It's hard to say, but God, I hope that day comes soon.
4. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 2) - This past week, like most weeks, I didn't watch Smackdown, but I heard Bryan crashed his own funeral. So what you're saying is the Bludgeon Brothers shoot killed him, and he came back from the dead as a ghoul to avenge his death? No, it was the Miz he attacked? Well, they say ghosts attack those with whom they have unfinished grudges so that makes sense.
5. Alambres (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Oh man, you know what's better than steak, bell peppers, onions, bacon, and cheese griddled together and served sizzling with a side of corn tortillas? When it's paid by your shoot day job. Hell yeah.
6. Bryce Harper (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Harper won the Home Run Derby wearing a fuckin' headband. No matter what you think about the Nationals, that's cool as shit. Harper isn't having the best year, but he's still producing where it counts, getting on base and mashing the ball hard when he does get hits. If I were the Phillies, I'd throw the Liberty Bell his way in an attempt to bring him here.
7. Batista (Last Week: Not Ranked) - James Gunn was fired from directing/writing Guardians of the Galaxy 3 for some harsh tweets he made years ago and apologized for. On one hand, use TweetDelete, my man. Also, what are you doing making Eric Cartman tweets in public at age 47? On the other, how is Disney going to side with Mike Cernovich, an admitted rapist, making bad faith arguments to take out a guy who owned up to his mistakes, which only inhibits other idiots from growing and learning from said mistakes? I don't know. What I do know is Batista took the opportunity to go in on "CyberNazis." Batista is by far the best ex-wrestler because of his penchant for going in on the alt-right and other dumbshit CHUDs. I don't know why he wants to do another tour with WWE, but hey, it's WWE's loss for not taking him back.
8. Gwen C. Katz (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Some dipshit went in on libraries over the weekend. I mean, didn't Lance Storm teach everyone that librarians go hard as fuck to defend their institutions? Anyway, this dipshit said that in order to save taxpayers money, Amazon should come in a privatize libraries or replace them or whatever. Ms. Katz retorted with some cold logic. Surprisingly, said dipshit didn't back down. I thought those types loooooved logic? Anyway, the hard-on that some folks have for privatizing everything just to save taxpayers pennies while not focusing on things that are really costing public monies like whoa, like, I don't know, A FUCKING WAR THAT'S BEEN GOING ON UNABATED FOR 17 YEARS NOW just makes me embarrassed that I ever was part of the Libertarian Party. Ah well.
9. PCO (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did he take out Homicide at Major League Wrestling's Battle Riot last week, he started tweeting exclusively in SpongeBob meme format without knowing what that entailed. I love this crazy, possibly undead man. Also, props to him for giving some shine to the Wrestling On Air crew. They deserve it.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Say it ain't so/I will not go/turn the lights off/Oney Lorcan is here for porkin'.