It's the End of the World As We Know It: 2012 Royal Rumble Preview

What does he have planned?
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Chris Jericho, in the first complete sentence he uttered since returning to WWE on January 2, said that the world was going to end at the Royal Rumble. It was the first time his character seemed as cryptic as the "It Begins" videos had painted it, but it was enough to drum up enough intrigue for a Rumble match that until RAW this past Monday. Then again, the Rumble is one of those rare matches that doesn't need a story to be compelling. Sure, it helps when there is a clear narrative going in, like last year's run to destiny by Alberto del Rio or the year before when Shawn Michaels went batshit crazy trying to win so he could use his guaranteed WrestleMania title shot not on either of the physical belts, but on Undertaker's streak.

What could that phrase mean? How could Jericho bring about the "end of the world" through one Rumble match? I have my guesses. He could be forming a mega-stable that would interrupt the Rumble match. He could refer to him winning bringing about the end of WWE's nascent world with CM Punk as WWE Champion. He might be a prophet and be suggesting that the cataclysmic extinction level event that people extrapolated from the end of the Mayan Calendar will happen not in December but in January. What is my guess? Well, I have no guess really. In a weird way, I trust that whatever Jericho does, it'll be awesome. Even if WWE has a tendency to fuck things up, Jericho, when left to his own devices, always delivers. I get the feeling he has some measure of creative control over where he's going anyway.

Still, Jericho isn't the only possible winner or even marquee entrant here. There's Randy Orton, who may not have officially been announced back but who will more than likely be there. This is also an even-numbered year, so if we're going with the trend, he's definitely in line to win (after Cena in '08 and Edge in '10 coming back from injuries). They recently announced that in an "unprecedented" move (excuse me while I make a wanking motion), EVERYONE is eligible for the Rumble, which raises the interesting possibility of CM Punk winning, either after having been screwed by John Laurinaitis earlier in the night or in an attempt to try and unify the titles at WrestleMania. The Miz is already pegged for the #1 spot, and we all know that more iron men (#1 or #2 hole winners) have won the Rumble than wrestlers who've entered at #30.

As difficult as the Rumble is to predict this year is the World Championship match, a triple threat steel cage affair featuring two big, angry giants chasing the increasingly entertaining though dickish titleholder. This Daniel Bryan/Mark Henry/Big Show match could go any of three ways, although the lean I'm getting feels increasingly more likely that Bryan retains here. That being said, Bryan and Henry by themselves already tore the house down in a cage on the holiday live Smackdown. How will adding a third wheel affect the match quality? Honestly, I'm skeptical of how good an idea this is, but at the same time, I feel like there's a great story to tell in the ring, and if anyone can do weasely coward running way from two monsters, it's Bryan.

The WWE Championship match already seems to have played out with a very much cut-and-dried premise - if John Laurinaitis screws CM Punk out of the title, he'll probably end up getting fired on RAW the next night by Triple H. The premise of Trips showing up on RAW at all gives me douche chills, by the way. Seriously, he gets no more good will from me. Anyway, while this match is harder to call than, say, last year's title match involving Dolph Ziggler, I feel like there's going to be one of two scenarios going down here. Either Punk wins clean despite shenanigans, or Punk loses the title under shady circumstances that kinda implicate Laurinaitis but aren't entirely clear that he was the one behind them.

That leaves the other big match announced for the Rumble, the EMBRACE THE HATE match between Cena and Kane which should be a fucking Coal Miner's Glove match after the shit Kane's pulled in the last month or so. I've been in the minority of actually liking this story up until this past week, when Kane put Zack Ryder on the shelf in a match and segment that was the equivalent to Peter Griffin banging his knee and going "THHHHHHHHHH-AAAAHHHHH" for way too long. I'm not sure how the match is going to be, but hopefully, it doesn't get too schlocky. Then again, Punk/Ziggler is going to be fantastic. The WHC cage match has potential to be great. The Rumble is the Rumble. I guess there's room for error with this match.

Then again, if Cena/Kane isn't all that good, is it going to matter? The world's ending anyway! Well, if Armageddon (the cataclysm, not the shitty WWE PPV) happens as a result of Chris Jericho winning the Rumble, then I'd say the Earth had a good run, and things aren't going to get much better than this.