Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 34

All the news about Dusty Rhodes, but not that other guy
Photo Credit:
HORB FLERBMINBER is back and you know what that means... SKOOPZ FOR EVERYBODY AHAHAHAHA. Except for you, Dana Lewis of Glendale, AZ. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE. I have broken more news stories than a bull in a china shop breaks plates. I was the one who told you that Machine Gun Kelly vs. Fandango was scheduled for WrestleMania. Sure, I may have been wrong about that, but I was right about the swarm of Africanized bees that was descending upon Cleveland to sting everyone going to the AIW show. HOW ARE YOU NOW, JERKS?

I do work so hard to get you all the news you need to ingest, but I need help. I need tips. I need your e-mails! Send them to me at and maybe I'll give you credit. AHAHAHAHAH PSYCH! I claim all scoops as my own. TOUGH TITTIES, LOSER. You should also follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. I may have been silent this week for the most part, but you never know when I'll be back to break the breaking news, like when Eric Bischoff's hair gains sentience and stages a hostile takeover of Global Force Wrestling. YOU'LL NEED TO FOLLOW ME TO FIND OUT.

If you want to get back issues of the newsletter, uh, mrvl schlerpin gorblats...

Also, I am selling insurance against natural disasters on the side. Call my office at (666) 362-4360, and I will give you an affordable quote on all kinds of natural disasters. Flooding, wildfires, even plagues of locusts. You name it, I cover it. Just ask for Victor Victoria of Meshoppen Val... WAIT, HE LIVES IN MESHOPPEN? HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME OF A TOWN IS THAT? HOLY SHIT, IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A CHILD WOULD NAME A MONSTER IN KINDERGARTEN. OH MAN... oh man... wait, what was I writing?

Remember, I do what I want.

- Dusty Rhodes passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on Thursday at the age of 69, noting the first time the number 69 has not been nice.

- TMZ released the 911 call for Rhodes' initial fall that led to his death, because apparently, the site hasn't nearly gotten to its personal rock bottom.

- Rhodes' death caused WWE to pay tribute to the man with video memorials and a ten-bell salute before Money in the Bank. Vince McMahon then danced along to Rhodes' theme song like he didn't sign him in 1988 just to turn him into a walking minstrel show out of spite.

- The decision to give Sheamus the Money in the Bank briefcase came when Jimmy Jacobs threw up after eating an undercooked piece of shrimp in his Thai food during the final writing sessions for the pay-per-view. McMahon took it as a sign to push Sheamus...

- ...but not too hard, because who the fuck wants to see the guy who just won Money in the Bank beating a dude with an in-story bum knee cleanly? I know I'd rather have seen the distraction finish.

- Global Force Wrestling debuted this weekend at two minor league baseball stadiums in front of friends, family, stadium employees who were forced to be there, and that one guy who still thinks it's 1987 and loves everything Jim Cornette says.

- Cornette joined the Bullet Club as well. In an unrelated note, somewhere in the Rust Belt, Finn Bálor felt a sharp pain in his gut and the urge to vomit in the nearest bucket.

- TNA to air the Ethan Carter III vs. Kurt Angle Championship match on regular television instead of Slammiversary on pay-per-view at the behest of the newest staff member, Rince Vusso.

 - Kevin Owens powerbombed Machine Gun Kelly through tables this past week on RAW. Booking plans have him attacking other featured celebrity guests. He will sever the Florida Georgia Line and cause the former to float into the sea, roll Maria Menounos into a spherical shape and shoot baskets with her, and he will develop magnetic powers and rip Hugh Jackman's adamantium skeleton plating right out of his body.

- Air, how the first one, Wednesday 8:00 am Once again, this St. Louis 21 hit in prime time on different parts of the shuttle to Gimpo and to show his face Shamrock performance, reported is. 00

- William Regal took his first day off in 32 years to see Morrissey in Atlanta. Vince McMahon was seen in the office questioning Regal's dedication to work and considered firing him before being talked off the ledge by his imaginary friend, Sauron Cthulhuson.

- Last week's poll saw an amazing 100% of you picked the steak over the fish. This week: