Antonio Cesaro Is Right, You Know

Give this man a cooking segment!
Photo Credit: WWE.com

There comes a time when a heel's shtick cuts a bit too truthfully, or at least it should. It's one thing for, say, Ric Flair to lie about taking lascivious pictures of Miss Elizabeth to get under Randy Savage's skin. That's the easy heel heat (and a guy like Flair pulling that off makes it the best kind). It's a whole other for Antonio Cesaro to tell people that he hates fat Power Rangers and that Halloween is the pinnacle of American decadence and gluttony. Mainly, it's because Cesaro is actually right, at least in a way.

Once upon a time, Halloween was a nice treat, a day when kids could take a break from having to eat in moderation and pig out on chocolate, caramel and powdered-and-formed sugar. Nowadays, it's not that every day is Halloween in terms of volume, so to speak, but the nutritional value of the baseline has seemingly dipped below the Mendoza line of healthiness to the point where people consider spinach/artichoke dip as a vegetable course. Therefore, Halloween has gone from "nice treat" to "symbol of the diabetes culture."

Deep down, the fans whom Cesaro was taunting had to have known that he was right, especially those who look at themselves and don't like what they see. Then again, if Honey Boo Boo is to be believed, is the self-image of the stereotypical pro wrestling fan rooted in any kind of standard other than "low?" That's another question for another day. Still, I can't believe that everyone throwing verbal shade at Cesaro truly hates him just because he represents "taking mah freedoms away, dagnabbit!"

So, do people boo Cesaro because he's an asshole, or do they boo him because he's telling a truth that they don't want to hear and they're lashing out? It's an interesting question to pose, one that might dig into the roots of what makes the most effective heel and what lies at the base of the sentence "Heels speak the truth."

The thing is, Cesaro isn't some Michael Moore-looking slob who preaches a big game but acts conversely to how he might be better equipped to get his message across. The guy is ripped out of his mind, and his moveset, especially his impressive-looking Neutralizer, accentuates his strength and power. If anything, we as wrestling fans should be in awe of this guy. I mean, we're supposed to love the shit out of Ryback because he lifts things up and puts them down (violently), right? Cesaro has arguably done a better job of that (read, didn't have Tensai and Paul Heyman either not cooperate with him or not know HOW to cooperate), and he's actually giving the fans life tips. Sure, he's doing it condescendingly, which plays into our psyches as to why we would be compelled to boo him.

That being said, we're in the Seinfeld era now. Everyone in WWE is a jerk, whether it's supposed white knight John Cena or the guy who's supposed to embody everything wrong with how people are supposed to act, Heyman. While WWE nominally lays out how you're supposed to react, I have to wonder if they secretly wish the fans to make their jobs easy for them. With that in mind, maybe it's time we stopped booing Cesaro when he says things like "We're too fat" or "We don't get enough exercise."

Of course, he can go to hell by saying that Elvis Presley sucked but that's a whole other argument for a whole other day.

King of Trios Photo Gallery UP

"Oooh baby I'm a ROHck star."
Photo Credit: Gregory Davis/DDS

Friend of the site Gregory Davis has his photo gallery from King of Trios posted over at Dirty Dirty Sheets. Check it out; there's a lot of great photography included within, including that shot of my personal favorite non-Envoy-winning-the-tournament moment of the whole third night. Seriously, that was so hilarious, I forgot I was supposed to hate those guys for a second.

Your Midweek Links: A Horse Mask in a Hurricane

FEED ME LINKS
Photo Credit: WWE.com

It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Selfies:

- This week's podcast features Robert Newsome and I talking about little old ladies at Southern wrestling shows [Episode 76: Bullropin' the Wind]

- Here's my review of Hell in a Cell! [FEED ME CHARACTER]

- Here I am defending Ryback losing as part of his character's growth [Camel Clutch Blog]

- Here's my take on the whole NWA Championship situation. Hint, it involves pulling a plug. [Cageside Seats]

Wrestling Links:

- The unauthorized biography of Ryan Reeves (aka The Ryback) by David Shoemaker [Grantland]

- A discussion about Colt Cabana [Irresistible Force Vs. Immovable Object]

- The Best and Worst of Hell in a Cell [With Leather]

- And of course, the Best and Worst of RAW [With Leather]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- Bro outside jogging during Hurricane Sandy in a horse mask? OF COURSE [Warming Glow]

- Speaking of the hurricane, if you think that Sandy isn't going to be politicized, you must have been born yesterday, friend. Here's the scorecard [Gawker]

- Why "class" is the most reprehensible of the sportswriter chestnuts, by Spencer Hall [SB Nation]

- The NBA season has begun, so here are the watchability rankings for each team on League Pass [The Basketball Jones]

- Fired teacher wants her job back after getting axed for porno past [Film Drunk]

- The 12 most unnecessary pumpkin-flavored products on the market [Flavorwire]

- Which retail chains have the best employee discounts? [Buzz Feed]

- The seven craziest self-imposed video game challenges ever [Dorkly]

- The definitive collection of Venture Bros. .gifs [Gamma Squad]

It's Peanut Butter Ambrose Time!

Via Dean-Ambrose.net

Where you at? Where you at? No, seriously, everyone on Twitter won't shut up about where Dean Ambrose is in regards to WWE television. Well, here he is, in the Peanut Butter Jelly Time banana suit. Happy Halloween, everyone!

h/t to Alex Torres

The Revisionist History of Goldberg

Pictured: A guy who had chants piped in for him
Photo Credit: WWE.com

You can say anything you want about the push that The Ryback is receiving. Some of it will be patently false, some of it could be true, but a lot of it will be up for debate or speculation. As much of a fan of Ryback as I am and as much as I liked the finish to the Hell in a Cell match with CM Punk, there are a lot of things that I've downright hated about his story so far. Both are things that Brandon Stroud pointed out in his Best and Worst columns this week (his lack of a midcard fattening up run and the fact that Punk blew off the Brad Maddox thing in his promo).

That also isn't to say that all of the criticisms that Ryback is receiving are valid, obviously. While I can see why people would want to lump him in with Bill Goldberg because they're two big guys who lift people up and put them down (violently), a lot of the criticisms of Ryback are using an image of Goldberg drawn from memory and not from a photograph. Mainly, it's when people say "Goldberg was organic" and Ryback isn't.

The biggest proponent of this argument is professional Hawaiian shirt-wearing troll Mark Madden, a guy who hates wrestling because it's not 1999 anymore. Obviously, people are to expect him to do that because "that's what he does." The problem with Madden is that people out there actually either take what he says at face value and agree with him, or they come to similar faulty conclusions on their own, forgetting the fact that Goldberg was indeed as forced a superstar in WCW as Ryback is right now in WWE.

By the very nature of needing a winning streak to get over, Goldberg's rise to prominence wasn't "organic." Rarely, if anything, in wrestling is organic from jump. For every Z! True Long Island Stories getting Zack Ryder a cult following, there are a million WWE pushes of guys they want you to cheer and a thousand of those million that actually work. That's fine though, as there's such a thing as "relatively organic," i.e., a guy who gets over big because of his own natural talents and the things he does in the ring after a totally jump-started-by-the-company push.

By definition of it being "staged," needing to have a guy get popular because he won a lot is the definition of forcing it. There was really nothing Goldberg did at first to get people to like him other than do moves in the ring that may or may not have been stiffer than what the doctor prescribed. Even then, would a guy whose brutality was winning him over fans at a striking rate need to have "Goooooooldberg" chants piped into the building?

This is not a debatable opinion here. WCW piped Goldberg chants into the building at the start of his career and for sometime after, until he ended up getting popular enough on his own. To deny that fact by claiming that Goldberg was "organic" is to rewrite history. Then again, with the biggest tycoon in wrestling right now being Vince McMahon, is there anything more "wrestling" than revisionist history? I guess I can't blame old-school fans or the carnies associated with the business (or in Madden's case, who only THINKS he's associated with it) for keeping that mindset, but it's a dangerous trap of nostalgia comparing two similar guys with stark enough differences to know that Ryback might not be a carbon copy of this Goldberg cat.

Again, this isn't to say that Ryback is good. A lot of times, we can make the mistake of superimposing our values of what's good or not on everyone, and wrestling fandom is about as subjective as they come. Why else would the "LET'S GO CENA!" "CENA SUCKS!" dueling chants exist, for example? AS with many other pleas I've had though, it's not that I want you to like what I like, but that I want people to be honest when criticizing anything in general. Ryback may very well be the worst thing since mold on sliced bread, but let's not go pretending that Bill Goldberg was this shining beacon of grassroots wrestling who got over on his own and didn't need help from an entire support system to become the biggest thing in his company.

The Best Moves Ever: 3D

I've always wondered why there were so few really memorable tag team finishers. Maybe it's just me, or maybe the nature of the tag division has always been to have two guys getting together to tag temporarily with the '80s WWF/NWA perma-tag team boom being the aberration. Who knows. Either way, if you asked anyone who started watching wrestling after 1996 what the best tag team finisher of all time is, they'll probably say 3D. They wouldn't be too far off the mark, I think.

The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 76: Robert Newsome

Kyle Matthews, AKA The Man
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

Episode 76: Bullropin' in the Wind

Robert Newsome of the Atomic Elbow fanzine is on the show this week, and we talk about the finish to Hell in a Cell. He thinks it's the only possible way WWE could have gotten out of that with CM Punk still as Champion, and I let my feelings known about how I've soured on it since they kinda swept it under the rug (even if Brad Maddox could come back next week and rekindle the flame there). I suggest it might be a way for them to differentiate Ryback from Goldberg. We then get into a long discussion about the Southern indies, including Chikara's run through the South, how awesome Kyle Matthews is and an interesting theory put forth by Rob about how you can gauge the quality of any show. We finish up by having an esoteric discussion of both Garth Brooks and Paula Deen.

Direct link for your downloading pleasure.

Wrestling Six Packs: Chikara Series!

Imagine this, only as part of a traditional five-on-five elimination match
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

Survivor Series is upon us, and the first of the traditional five-on-five matches have been announced. WWE is not going to have all traditional matches because the roster isn't big enough and there are other stories going on that will end up in singles matches. However, if there's any promotion that could just stop on a dime and get sixty people together for a slate of matches, it's Chikara. So, here's my totally hypothetical, fictional but AWESOME Chikara Survivor Series lineup:

1. Delirious, Obariyon, Kodama, Kobold and Ophidian vs. UltraMantis Black, Hallowicked, Frightmare, Crossbones and Hieracon

This is the obvious main event here. Delirious' army is already in place, and pending whether Crossbones is able to wrestle, all Mantis would need is a fifth. Who better to fill the role than a returning Hieracon/Jonathan Gresham, looking for revenge for his own dispatching by Ophidian and on Amasis' behalf?

2. Mike Quackenbush, Jigsaw, Manami Toyota, Fire Ant, and Green Ant vs. Tim Donst, Jakob Hammermeier, The Shard, deviANT and Soldier Ant

The setup for this match might take a little explanation. The Chikarametrics-decreed Colony has had assailANT in Soldier's place, but rather than teaming with that interloper, I'd imagine Quack flipping his shit and booting assailANT out of the group, replacing him with Toyota. As a tactical advantage, the rudos keep Soldier in their ranks. Quack's potential for raging and continuing his trek to the dark side would be great here.

3. Matt Jackson, Nick Jackson, Mike Bennett, Harlem Bravado and Lancelot Bravado vs. Icarus, Sugar Dunkerton, Chuck Taylor, Johnny Gargano and the Swamp Monster

Hard to imagine a rudo vs. rudo matchup here, but there's still good heat between FIST and the Bucks. The Bravados have been good little lackeys, and Bennett is welcome in Chikara any time. As for a fifth for FIST, I could have gone for Orange Cassidy or Drew Gulak if I'm going Gentleman's Club, but screw it, the Swamp Monster owns.

4. Colt Cabana, Big LG, Super Domino, Ax and Smash vs. Mister ZERO, Rorschach, Shayne Storm, Darkness Crabtree and Jervis Cottonbelly

Requisite comedy match.

5. Mark Angelosetti, Dasher Hatfield, Matt Classic, Sparky Plugg and Grizzly Redwood vs. The Mysterious and Handsome Stranger, Gran Akuma, Acid Jaz, Marshe Rockett and Big Willie Richardson

I don't know why, but I get the feeling that this Mysterious and Handsome Stranger has a vendetta to carry out, and I almost feel like it's against the current Young Lions Cup Champion. I don't know, Touchdown seems like the kind of guy who makes easy enemies. His Throwbacks would need an extension, so he'd go into the realm of stock car racing with Sparky Plugg and lumberjack games with Grizzly Redwood. As for the Stranger? Well, there's not really a whole rhyme or reason having Da Soul Touchaz and Akuma here, but hey, does there have to be?

6. Eddie Kingston, Saturyne, El Generico, Scott Parker and Shane Matthews vs. Kevin Steen, assailANT, Mark Briscoe, Jay Briscoe and MsChif

Kingston and Steen are doing a cibernetico later in November to hash out there differences, but hey, there's a slot open here too. Saturyne might seem a bit out of place here, but considering that I have Steen bringing along the Briscoes, who quite fancied her "big ol' booty", maybe she's not as out of place as once though. assailANT would be Steen's choice to stick it to Chikara, while MsChif is there because I want to see MsChif work for Chikara in any capacity.

Justin Gabriel: An Appreciation

Justin Gabriel, man worthy of appreciation
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Of everyone in the Nexus, Justin Gabriel didn't fit. He was clean cut, boyishly good looking and an aerial ace. He wasn't the kind of guy who should have been trying to take over the establishment as a rogue agent. He was the kind of guy the establishment should have loved from jump. He's a goddamn star, right?

While Skip Sheffield, Heath Slater and the rest of the Nexus were stacked up to be evil villains, there was something about Gabriel that never clicked. The 450 splash isn't a move that should be killing Ricky Steamboat. It's one that gets the crowds gasping in amazement. After his teaming with Heath Slater fizzled out, Gabriel was sort of stashed in mothballs or trotted out on NXT. For full-consumption WWE fans, that was never exactly a problem since he often shined on that show as well as Superstars. However, as a guy with a kid and lessening time in front of the Intar-webs, Gabriel might as well have been working in some Colorado indie with no real social media impact.

He's been breaking out a bit lately though. It started with that dynamo match he had with Tyson Kidd, the one that sort of jump-started a tag team except that Gabriel got hurt shortly thereafter. When he came back, they sort of floundered about as "Team High Visibility Work Wear," but then he got a chance to get tossed around a bit by Antonio Cesaro on RAW. It was so fun, they did it again the next week, and he actually got to win too.

So, Hell in a Cell rolled around, and granted, Cesaro/Gabriel III wasn't exactly the best match in the series or on the card. I thought they were two guys who probably weren't totally used to the longer PPV time (a total assumption, please don't kill me "you're not a wrestler" folks). Still, they did some pretty neat things in that match, especially Gabriel, who was the guy who had to leap from the top rope to the point where his chin would connect with Cesaro's arm on that great European uppercut spot towards the end of the match.

And the crowd sat on their hands for the whole goddamn thing.

I mentioned that it was the only match where the dead crowd (which kinda sucked all night in and out) really bothered me. Mainly, it was because the crowd was so dead quiet that it was eerie. I don't like to totally gauge the success of what a guy does in the ring by the crowd reaction, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad when guys go out there and get total death. Cesaro deserves better than that, but he's going to continue to get better than that. He's got a surefire gimmick, and the dude is a total, legitimate hoss.

It's Gabriel that I fear for. I thought that he was already going to make a niche for himself because he was getting a few pretty decent-lengthed matches for TV, then as soon as he has a match in front of a bad crowd, Monday night, he's Alberto del Rio's new sacrificial lamb. Obviously, this isn't exactly a death sentence for Gabriel. It's one match after a PPV. It's just as ridiculous for me to complain that he's getting "demoted" as it was when the reactionary Greek Chorus on Twitter bitched that Ryback was getting "demoted" because he was "back" to feasting on JTG.

Still though, I've grown fond of Gabriel, a slick wrestler who goes in there and has good matches with everyone. I want to see him do things, and since WWE is actually in a roundabout way building a midcard, I think I might be able to see that.

From the Archives: Chikarasaurus Rex Ten-Man

I was there live for this match, which was Team Chikara (Eddie Kingston, Mike Quackenbush, Jigsaw, Soldier Ant and Green Ant) against the Gekido (17, The Shard, assailANT, deviANT and combatANT). It was a CAH-RAZY-GO-NUTS brawl, my second favorite match on the card (after the ladder match). Quack was supposed to still be hurt, and Fire Ant was supposed to be there, but he got taken out before the show even began. Quack came out to great fanfare, tossed around my boss at the High Phive Blog, Derek Sabato, and from there, it was nuts. Look for Green Ant to do something pretty nutso too.

Vickie Guerrero and the Curse of the Authority Figure

Go back to managing
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Vickie Guerrero is a great manager/valet/mouthpiece. She's not bad as eye candy either, but that's really not germane to the conversation. As a younger fan, I might have hated her because she was shrill. Right now, I appreciate how she's pretty much the best heat machine on the roster. It's not just cheap heat with the "EXCUSE ME" either. She's a pretty good manager in her own right, whether it be through distraction techniques or even just the facial expressions she makes.

However, whenever she gets near an authority position, she gets insufferable. It's not like she even changes her mannerisms or style of speaking either. It's all in the material, the stories given to her. Like, I could stand her being a complete shrill partisan when she's just administering Dolph Ziggler. However, when she's totally in the bag against a wrestler as a general manager, or in this case a "managing supervisor," it's just awful.

The problem isn't just confined to Guerrero. It seems like every person shunted into the role of general manager has sucked at it no matter their talent level with one glaring exception. John Laurinaitis was excellent as the evil authority figure, but mainly it was because his evil was never outright bias against a certain alignment of wrestlers. He was a bad boss because he thought he was doing the right thing by everyone, and instead was favoring wrestlers (if he was favoring them at all) passive-aggressively. In some cases, the people he'd antagonize, like CM Punk and even John Cena, would bring it upon themselves.

I know in the subject line I used the word "curse", but really, it's dishonest to call something the company itself has power over a curse. They got it right once in the last ten years because they switched up the formula. Instead of switching up the formula again, going with Laurinaitis in a scaled back role to keep him fresh or going back to, y'know, a time when authority figures were mentioned once a week instead of once a segment and maybe appeared once every other month, they went back to the skulldrudgery of having the willfully biased GM.

AJ Lee, the one who ultimately replaced Laurinaitis, went from a dynamic, fresh character into being the Vickie Guerrero who skipped to the ring. She was replaced by Guerrero, who now is back to her old groove to even worse degrees, going after Cena and AJ for "having an affair" when she carried on an illicit relationship with Edge to the point of marriage when she was Smackdown GM. That's not a failure of Guerrero. That's a failure of the people coming up with the stories either forgetting about that relationship or showing immense cognitive dissonance by not even acknowledging it in character when Cena was one of the ones who was at the brunt of Guerrero screwing around as GM.

Many things are working for WWE right now, but the direction of the company is either not the reason why they are in the case of CM Punk or it's actively hurting it in the case of this Cena/Lee/Guerrero/Ziggler thing. It's beating a dead horse, but the creative direction either needs to be streamlined or the people making that direction need to be streamlined. The authority figure BS has gotta go.

Unless they want to bring back John Laurinaitis. I'd be fine with that.

John Cena Rises Above Business Casual

Screen Grab Credit: David Kincannon

You can't really fault John Cena for not living the gimmick. I'd have loved to have seen him at Al Wilson's "funeral" dressed like that, or some other serious event.

In all seriousness though, they couldn't have found some better way for Cena and Dolph Ziggler to get into a pay-per-view feud than this "scandal?"

Instant Feedback: Survivor of the Fittest

It was no grand surprise that Ryback was the final piece of Team Foley's puzzle for his Survivor Series team. I think most people could see it coming a mile away after the finish from Hell in a Cell and the beginning of RAW tonight. It's not really a sign of weakness unless you're Vince Russo. It might be a bit weak to present it as a grand surprise, but at the same time, it's story advancement. If they are able to weave a tapestry from this featuring all the feuds they've entangled into this match, then no one will remember the underwhelming "reveal" of Ryback. OF course, there are serious doubts as to whether they'll be able to do that, but hey, it is what it is.

The final segment didn't take away for me that it was a strong show overall, anchored by a phenomenal tag match between the Rhodes Scholars and Team Mexico. Again, RAW's formula of matches upon matches upon matches works for them, and the story stuff they've sprinkled in has worked more than it hasn't for me. The 3MB Behind the Music spoof was pitch-perfect. They've actually found a way to make Jinder Mahal palatable, and that's a miracle in and of itself.

The only real downers for me were the confirmation (well, apparent confirmation) of Beth Phoenix's departure from the company and that godawful Komen masturbation before the final segment. Don't get me wrong, I like that they hate cancer enough to want to do something for it. I might even have forgiven the self-congratulatory nature of the segment if it was for a foundation of reputable providence like the American Cancer Society. However, Susan G. Komen Foundation has proven itself to be dubious at best, having politicized their organization (irrelevant as to whether it's to the right or the left, cancer shouldn't be politicized) and made it unattainable for the common person to contribute to them without having to seek out a MASSIVE fundraiser. Believe me on the latter, I know from firsthand experience.

I feel nominally dirty coming out so hard against what the rank and file wrestlers, ESPECIALLY Layla El, have thought to be a great cause. That being said, I just don't want to see organizations of a dubious nature indirectly get my money and the money of people who might not contribute if they knew the whole story.

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings: October 29th

"I'm the best in the world!" "No, I'm the best in the world!"
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last week: 1) - Bryan retains his top ranking because he showed a new wrinkle to his in-ring offense AND he apologized to Kane after accidentally hitting him with his knee. Plus, Jim Ross even said he was the best. FROM HIS LIPS TO GOD'S EARS.

2. Hurricane Sandy (Last week: Not ranked) - She's pounding the East Coast as we speak. She's destroyed the Atlantic City Boardwalk, washed a shark up into Manhattan, caused all New Jersey tolls to go into suspension and inspired a million terrible jokes about Snooki or Gangnam Style or whatever. That's power!

3. The Big Show (Last week: 2) - Seriously, respect the punch.

4. Kellie Skater (Last week: Not ranked) - She's not only made of pure adamantium, but she's finally learned how to harness that power into success. Her only loss on the weekend came to SHIMMER Champion and most curmudgeonly wrestler in the world, Sweet Saraya Knight. Way to make an impact!

5. Kane (Last week: 9) - I can't front, only someone who's among the best in the world can go ham on Rhodes Scholars, Daniel Bryan AND the referee last night.

6. Juan Castillo (Last week: Not ranked) - Dude gets fired from his job as Eagles defensive coordinator because the team couldn't get sacks under him. They got a sack Sunday against the Falcons, but the rest of the strategy failed miserably. He's looking better and better with each moment, isn't he?

7. Sara del Rey (Last week: 8) - That vastly improved Divas Championship three-way with Kaitlyn doing the noggin knocker? All del Rey.

8. Michael Elgin (Last week: Not ranked) - Elgin may not have won the PWG World Championship, but he wrestled in two matches. That's great hustle!

9. Oreo Truffles (Last week: Not ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Yeah, I got totally bombed at the beer exchange I went to Saturday night. I had a lot of good beer, but arguably the best thing I had in and around my mouth that night? Oreo truffles. So. Delicious.

10. Mark Henry (Last week: 10) - MARK HENRY FACT: Mark Henry once came in second place in a planet-eating contest. The winner was Galactus. There's no shame in losing to Galactus in a planet-eating contest.

Cageside Seats: NWA Is DOA

Is Colt Cabana gagging from the fumes of the rotten milk carton that is the NWA?
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

Cageside Seats: Will the Last Guy Left in the NWA Turn Out the Lights?

My latest for Cageside Seats looks at the current NWA World Championship situation. I wonder if Colt Cabana and Adam Pearce leaving the title in Australia should be the last nail in its coffin.

Mark Madden Defines Confirmation Bias

FAILURE! ABJECT FAILURE!
Photo Credit: WWE.com

When we last left Mark Madden, he was kvetching about how there was only one way that Ryback vs. Punk could have gone. Well, it didn't go the way he thought it should have gone, so what did he think?

They Blew It

Well, that settles it. Pack it in, everyone. I really shouldn't continue on with this. I really shouldn't continue on with this. Ah fuck, I have to now, don't I? Fuck.

I was predisposed to hate Punk-Ryback long before it took place.

Wait, you mean that column he posted last week where he had this specific way the match had to go down in order for him to like it didn't already hammer that point home?

But what transpired at Hell in a Cell made it easy to dislike.

Yep.

Logic 101: Why was a referee we’d barely seen before assigned to Hell in a Cell? Wouldn’t that job best be given to a decorated veteran?

Does Mark Madden even watch WWE? If he does, he might know that answer.

Now Ryback is just a big goof who leads his own cheers. Boy, does THAT get old after a very short while. Imagine Goldberg doing that.



Now imagine Goldberg on a horse.

I don’t blame Punk. His facials, his desperation, his sense of gravitas, his mix of two-thirds cowardice and one-third courage…it was great. He’s great. I don’t blame Ryback. If that match serves his character, he handles it.

"Yes, the wrestlers in it were awesome, BUT THEY BLEW IT."

But it didn’t, and he couldn’t. Four minutes in, it already felt too long.

Yep.

It didn’t take long for Hell in a Cell to indulge fake wrestling: a fire extinguisher, a chair, a Kendo stick. Paul Heyman should have borrowed Jimmy Hart’s megaphone.

Why am I not surprised that a guy who doesn't want wrestling to be "fake" would hate every single one of the things that made that match fun. Seriously.

Sorry if you hate the constant Goldberg comparisons, but they’re inevitable. That’s what WWE wants Ryback to be. It’s a fair cop.

So a guy who hates wrestling and wears Hawaiian shirts like Tom Brady wears Uggs knows what WWE wants Ryback to be, but the WWE itself clearly doesn't. Seriously, does Mark Madden even watch WWE anymore?

Goldberg knew how to be Goldberg. Ryback doesn’t.

Of course Ryback doesn't know how to be Goldberg. He's Ryback.

The crowd hated it. Much of the crowd was behind Punk to begin with. The crowd died after the finish. Even the climb up the cage was anticlimactic.

So, the people chanting "FEED ME MORE" audibly were dead?

Tell me one other thing about Ryback. He wins. What else? His matches have been too short for the announcers to tell stories. His promos are all testosterone and spittle. How does that loss fit in?

Man, if I can see where the loss fits in, and the guy who gets paid to write about doesn't, then what does that say for the people paying him to write about it?

Booking doesn’t choose who’s over. The fans do.

I think by that logic, Ryback is "over" since the fans chant for him pretty regularly. Even last night, that crowd was terrible and they still chanted "FEED ME MORE." Not surprising that Madden didn't hear them chanting that. Why? Yep.

Goldberg was organic.

Except for the whole "Goldberg chants getting piped in" thing that WCW had going for him. But no, don't let the facts get in the way of a good narrative.

DREAM MATCH ALERT: Jessicka Havok Vs. Sami Callihan

Ask anyone who follows wrestling - not just WWE, but wrestling - who the two most fearsome, terrifying, hardest-to-kill wrestlers are in America nowadays, and my guess is the top two would be a fairly unanimous consensus: Jessicka Havok and Sami Callihan. Both have had meteoric rises to the top of the indie scene. Havok is the WSU World Champion and is knocking on the door of SHIMMER with her SHINE appearances. It can't be too long before she's in Berwyn, wreaking her brand of chaos and challenging Sweet Saraya Knight or whomever has the SHIMMER title at the time of her landfall for that piece of hardware. Conversely, Callihan has busted out from the midwest on a scorched-earth campaign in Dragon Gate USA/EVOLVE. His virulence has made its way to the West Coast, landing in Pro Wrestling Guerrilla with the force that Hurricane Sandy is blowing through the East right now.

The New Horror...
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

In this world of dissolving gender barriers, it's natural that these two wrestlers would clash at some point. Havok is already showing she's as deadly against the men as she is against women thanks to her home company merging with Beyond Wrestling. So it's natural she's been vocal in getting stiff competition regardless of gender. She has been answering the fans' desires to want her to face off against Callihan. Here's the thing though; Callihan doesn't strike me as a guy who'd back down from a challenge.

So, the matter becomes who will book these two in a match? Who's gonna have the cajones to risk the imminent destruction of everything in a two-mile radius by having these two atomic bomb avatars rain haymakers on each other? Well, I have a few ideas...

ACW - Anarchy is already putting the greater Austin area in grave danger on my birthday by booking Havok against Jaykus Plisken. Callihan would be a perfect fit for the promotion. I'd say that if the Mohawk can withstand Havok and Plisken on December 16th (MY BIRTHDAY!), then it could be a fine battleground for Havok/Callihan at, I don't know, Guilty by Association 7?

...vs. the Umbrella Corp. Assasin
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

PWG - Callihan arrived on the West Coast and immediately started kicking ass and taking names. I know that I highlighted that during the Super Dragon Q and A that he didn't think about booking many more women in PWG because of his own preconceived notions, but if anyone could change his mind, it'd be Havok. Imagine how balls-out Callihan/Havok would be in Reseda?

AIW - Obviously, both wrestlers came up through Ohio, and AIW has become pretty much THE promotion in the state. This promotion, at least from a local standpoint, makes the most sense. AAW in Chicago would fit the bill too. Hell, the first Midwestern promotion to book this match would get infinite cool points from me.

It really doesn't matter who books this match, as long as someone books it. It has to happen sooner rather than later. Callihan and Havok want this match to happen. The fans want it to happen. I think it's the duty of some promoter to make sure that this happens. That's the only thing about wrestling that sucks. You always need a middleman.

Camel Clutch Blog: Ryback Doesn't Need to Be Unbeaten

FEED HIM STORIES
Photo Credit: WWE.com

Camel Clutch Blog: Ryback Is More Than a Record

My latest for the Camel Clutch Blog is about how the main event to last night's Hell in a Cell finished. I argue that Ryback losing is good for him in the long run because it signals WWE sees him as a character, not a win-loss record.

With Joey Ryan as Andy Kaufmann: PWG World's Finest Review

You know the drill.

Highlights:

• Pretty Peter Avalon answered an open challenge from Kevin Steen, only to get his ass whomped in the process, losing via Package Piledriver.
• After the match, Steen demanded his rematch for El Generico's World Championship.
• Brian Cage-Taylor nearly decapitated Ray Rosas with a discus lariat to the back of his head for the win.
• Joey Ryan dressed up as Andy Kaufmann and berated the women in the crowd before his match with Candice LaRae.
• Unfazed by her misogynist opponent, LaRae picked up the victory by reversing a Boob-plex into an O'Connor Roll.
• Scorpio Sky tapped TJ Perkins with a dragon sleeper.
• The Super Smash Bros. defeated both the RockNES Monsters and Young Bucks in an insane tag match, getting the win on Matt Jackson with the FATALITY (Gory special by Uno, top rope leaping Ace Crusher by Dos).
• Kyle O'Reilly defeated a newly freed from WWE Alex Koslov via tap out with a guillotine choke.
• Willie Mack avenged his loss from last year against Roderick Strong with an Emerald Frosion.
• Steen reappeared to make the main event title match between Generico and Eddie "Eddie Edwards" Edwards a three way. He recaptured the title by pinning Edwards after dragging Generico out of the ring following a top rope BRAINBUSTAAAAAHHHH!

Is Saraya Knight Indeed Sweet?

Photo via Ring Belles

To answer the question in the subject line, of course she's sweet. Any other answer and she'll come after you and perhaps kill you. Or something worse than death. That is to say, if Sweet Saraya Knight flips you the bird, act like you deserve it. I know that kind of appeasement is frowned upon, but then again, do you want to piss her off? DO YOU FEEL LUCKY, PUNK?

FEED ME CHARACTER: WWE Hell in a Cell '12 Review

Not pictured: Ryback eating the title belt (I really wish that happened)
Photo Credit: WWE.com

In the tried-and-true Tee-Dub-Bee style

Highlights:

• In the opening match, Randy Orton overcame the cross armbreaker and defeated Alberto del Rio with the RKO.
• Daniel Bryan and Kane imploded in the Tag Team Championship match, leading to Kane losing his shit and getting his team disqualified for castigo de excesivo against Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes. Bryan and Kane are still Tag Champs though.
• Kofi Kingston survived getting his leg worked over and his kick pad ripped off to deliver Trouble in Paradise to Miz and retain his Intercontinental Championship.
• Antonio Cesaro countered a plancha with a European uppercut and hit a Neutralizer to retain the United States Championship against Justin Gabriel.
• Rey Mysterio got a 619/Droppin' the Dime combo on Darren Young to give he and Sin Cara the win over the Prime Time Players.
• Big Show countered the Brogue Kick twice with the KO Punch to become the new World Heavyweight Champion.
• Eve Torres used dissension between Layla El and Kaitlyn to retain her Divas Championship Match.
• Referee Brad Maddox gave Ryback a low blow while he had CM Punk in Shell Shocked, and Punk rolled Ryback up for the fast count-aided victory to retain the WWE Championship. Ryback was enraged, eventually giving Punk Shell-Shocked on top of the cell to close the show.

A Manager with SEC Speed!

Photo via Black Shoe Diaries

Yes, that is a picture of the Mouth from the South, Jimmy Hart with Penn State head coach Bill O'Brien. I don't know when this picture was taken, but if it was from this weekend before Penn State got the balls beaten off it by Ohio State and Hart didn't try to interfere, then I'd say that he didn't get his money's worth.

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 13

Should Donst carry the torch in Chikara in 2013?
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein

An appropriate volume number for Halloween, I say!

It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, especially around Friday night after Smackdown, and wait for the call. Or don't wait for it actually. I'll try to get everything for this feature no matter when in the week you shoot me the Tweet. Anyway, here we go.

First up, @el_spriggs wants to know if the best thing going-forward for story in Chikara would be Tim Donst upending Eddie Kingston at the season finale for the Grand Championship.

The best thing? No, I don't think it would be the best thing. I think the optimal event to happen at Under the Hood would be some kind of climax to this rudo Mike Quackenbush tease/Gekido story. That's not to say Donst as a nihilist Grand Champion wouldn't be a good or even great development, because it would. At this point though, Donst's chase of Kingston is just beginning. This Quack thing is ready to get out of the oven.

Although, it would be pretty damn intriguing if they decided to intertwine the stories, have Quack win the Grand Championship and have Donst, as a... ugh, I hate this word... "tweener" chase Quack while having to deal with the consequences of pissing off a pretty ornery War King. But whatever Chikara does promises to be at the very least intriguing.

@D_Nuggets wants to know if they're stalling out the Aces and Eights story to find a big name as the leader.

I would be absolutely shocked if that was the case, actually. I'm fairly certain that the leader was chosen before the story even began, and that leader is either Eric Bischoff or Jeff Jarrett. Now, it could be interesting if they thought those choices were too obvious and were looking to replace them midstream with a less certain-to-sign there name like Batista, John Morrison or someone else. However, I do feel like it's being dragged out because some wrestling companies don't know how to pay off mystery angles in a timely manner.

@Thaliono asks if I've lost hope for women in WWE since they've reportedly lost their patience with recruiting wrestlers and are now reverting back to the "Divas" model.

I'm not entirely sure that one casting call is going to signal the end of an initiative. The thing that we all need to understand about WWE is that it's going to take a long time for them to change and that they're going to be behind the curve. So a reversion such as this isn't the end of them having "real" wrestlers instead of the "20 minute EZ Bake Diva" model that gave us luminaries like Ashley Massaro and Kelly Kelly. It just means that an inherently misogynist company is having growing pains about changing its terrible policies. Of course, that doesn't mean we stop yelling at them for being sexist meatheads. It just means we have to expect bullshit like this and hope that signings like Sara del Rey will have more of a net impact than signings like, say, Hawaiian Tropic Model #486.

There's also the chance that one of their models turns out to be the next Layla or even Trish Stratus, so there's that.

Recent podcast guest @sallen_87 asks what my three favorite pizza toppings are.

This might be a little surprising, but here they are:

1. Pepperoni - This is the staple because it's so good. It's tangy and a little spicy and it works well with the cheese and sauce.
2. Ricotta cheese - A non-traditional cheese to put on a pizza, ricotta adds well-appreciated creaminess and a little sweetness, which combines nicely with the sweetness of the sauce and as a counterbalance to the salty, stringy mozzarella.
3. Bacon - Bacon isn't #1 because it's rarely ever done right on a pizza. There is no margin for error on this. It either has to be crispy, or it's just flaccid and more of a hindrance. That being said, when it's done right, it's friggin' awesome. My recommendation is to get bacon and pineapple, or as I like to call it, Hawaiian Internet Pizza. Once you do that, you'll never go back to ham.

Norko Kipte of the A1 Podcast has two questions. First, he wants to know my favorite dip for chips.

This is hard. I like a good spinach/artichoke dip like anyone should. I also dig queso dip, guacamole and Mexican bean dip with the cheese pooled on top. However, my absolute favorite dip is taco dip, which is just cheese, meat, refried beans and salsa layered and baked en casserole. My wife makes a good version of this. Sure, it could be cheating because it's really just a deconstructed taco, but shut up, tacos rule.

Second, he asks whether I think the Tigers won the ALCS or the Yankees lost it.

To be honest, when the As and Orioles (and Reds) were eliminated, I kinda lost a lot of interest in baseball because the odds went to 75% that a team I absolutely didn't want to see win was going to win. The Tigers were (and still are) the last team standing that I'd have been okay with winning. So I may not be the most objective source on this.

That being said, it's probably a little bit of both. The Yankees are a better team than what they showed in the LCS. Even running on fumes, A-Rod isn't THAT bad. The ebbs and flows of a baseball season for the Yanks happened to ebb at the wrong time for the Yanks. That being said, when you have a pitcher for whom bagging Kate Upton is only the second most impressive thing on his resume, you did something right to win.

Brett Clendaniel of WrestleChat and Justin Henry of WrestleCrap teamed up to have me rank twelve natural disaster-related wrestlers by efficacy of their gimmicks.

Okay, so let's dive into the rankings. First up, I don't have any recollection of Riptide, Hail or Avalanche, so I'm not ranking them. Okay, here goes, in ascending order:

9. Lance Storm - LOL, "Storm" and "gimmick" don't belong in the same sentence except to say "Lance Storm is not good at gimmicks."

8. Gorilla Monsoon - Monsoon wasn't so much a gimmick, just a name. While he was one of the most fearsome villains ever and one of the most beloved announcers, I wouldn't equate him with the massive rainstorms associated with his surname.

6t. Jushin "Thunder" Lyger
6t. "Lightning" Mike Quackenbush - If we were to rank these guys on sheer ability, Lyger and Quack might be 1 and 2 in some order. However, I think their gimmicks aren't so much weather related as much as they relate to their speed or how hard they hit.

5. "Wildfire" Tommy Rich - We're starting to move more into fitting into the oeuvre of the natural disaster phenomenon here, although I don't remember much about Rich being a "wildfire" as I did about him being surprisingly awesome in the FBI in ECW. And that rumor about him bl... nah, let's not get into that.

4. The Texas Tornado - I give him credit for swirling around on his lariat. Still, I feel like Kerry von Erich needed to have freakier strength to be able to throw heavy shit like cows or motorcycles or Earthquake. Tornadoes aren't just finesse, y'know. Still better than most.

3. Hurricane Helms - Hurricane as a name for a superhero is pretty cool, and he actually

2. Typhooon - Deducting points because he was also Tugboat, which is usually felled by natural disasters.

1. Earthquake - He was a big fat guy who jumped around to cause "tremors" and had seismographs on his gear. Yep, I think he's the winner.

@OkoriWadsworth asks what the best submission hold for each certain body part is.

The neck is one that hasn't been explored yet outside of science fiction (at least in my travels). I'd go with the Vulcan Neck Pinch. The legs, I've always been a fan of a really tight Texas Cloverleaf. The arms, it's the crossface chicken wing. Midsection... probably an abdominal stretch with cheating. You know, if you're not cheating doing the abdominal stretch, you're not trying.

@el_spriggs back again asking what the best show, top-to-bottom, has been this year.

I'm still pretty behind, so I haven't seen some obvious choices like Threemendous, Extreme Rules, Hot off the Griddle or anything in ACW except for Guilty by Association 6. Funny thing is, I'd probably put GBA6 on my shortlist, along with King of Trios Night 3 and ROH Homecoming. If you pressed me, I'd probably say King of Trios because I'm totally gay for Chikara and I was there live. Plus, the Spectral Envoy winning the tournament over three guys doing the best heel shtick of anyone not named Icarus all year? Yeah, that's the best way to end a show.

Two all-time trade questions! First, from @GayWrestlingFan, which wrestler from back in the day would I want to see today?

The obvious answer would be Dynamite Kid, because he was the spirit animal of so many different wrestlers around today, but I'm not sure how well I'd enjoy him. I like the more esoteric. With my affinity for hosses, I'd love to see Junkyard Dog, actually. Charismatic as hell, agile for a big guy and he barked like a dog. WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?

@BeerBaron4Life's trade idea is to do a trade from one promotion in the Attitude/Monday Night Wars era to another.

In 1998, I would have traded Chris Jericho, Eddie Guerrero and La Parka from WCW to the WWF for the Undertaker. Yeah, we would have been deprived the Ministry stuff and a few matches in The Streak, but with WCW's history, he would have been back in the WWF fold before long. Jericho and Guerrero would have gotten their pushes jump-started earlier and La Parka would have been AWESOME in late '90s WWF. Win/win for both companies.

Finally, @BeerBaron4Life wants to know how Shawn Michaels would be perceived today had he not been injured or found Jesus in his time away from WWF/E.

I don't think it would be all that different. If anything, I think he would have had a better resume in the ring. He would have had a lot more time to wrestle more matches against folks like Kurt Angle, Steve Austin, Chris Jericho and to face new opponents like Eddie Guerrero and The Rock. I just think the backstage stuff, as it is for most guys including Triple H, is overblown to such a great degree. Even for Michaels, it still is. People are going to think what they want to think.

Instant Feedback: Feedback Recap!

Clearly, since they didn't care, I don't care:

---

WWE has this nasty habit of making the show all about people who shouldn't have shows made all about them. Whether it's Vince McMahon, Triple H or now, AJ Lee, they treat characters the way Homer wanted the animators and writers to treat Poochie when he was on Itchy and Scratchy. If the authority figure is not on TV, everyone should be asking where that authority figure is. It turns WWE, at least partially, into a boring business-world thriller with people who can't carry the kinds of performances needed to make them at least somewhat riveting. When everyone on the show is asking what the fuck a "Managing Supervisor" is or what he/she does by design, you're bordering on self-parody.

In Poochie's debut episode, Itchy and Scratchy were going to the fireworks factory. Poochie's sidetracking of them left the audience with no payoff, causing Milhouse to ask "When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?" A lot of times, people, most notably Brandon Stroud, are left asking that as well when WWE ventures into Poochie territory. Tonight though, I'm pretty sure they got there with an exciting slate of matches anchored by a renewal of the best series of 2010, Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler.

The two took their trio of matches from that stretch in the fall, and instead of recreating them, they went one better. I'm not sure how they convinced themselves to take some of the bumps they took during that match, Ziggler especially when he went face first into the top of the ringpost, but it certainly passed for fireworks going off in a wild and dazzling display across the cel-shaded sky, the meta-cartoon within a cartoon in Simpsons lore.

WWE is such a paradoxical company. They get it so right with their cast but behind the scenes, they fail so hard at creating a fully satisfying narrative. They're inconsistent at best, coming out with great stories one week and then shit like this week in others. They're lucky they maybe have their most talented roster in history right now, a roster full of guys like Bryan, Ziggler, CM Punk, Sheamus, Big Show, Kane and even John Cena to an extent to pick up the slack with their execution. Tonight was one of the nights when they needed to get to the fireworks factory. When they did, it took some of the edge off of the terrible script they had laid out for their performers.

---

In all fairness though, the Daniel Bryan vs. Damien Sandow match was pretty sweet at least.

A Diet of Wins Alone Is Not Necessary: Hell in a Cell Preview

Eating doesn't necessarily mean "winning"
Photo Credit: WWE.com

What is Ryback? Not who, but what does the actual Ryback character represent? What is the most important part of the character? People who are throwing their analysis into the main event of Hell in a Cell this weekend aren't asking those questions. Instead, if they're asking anything, they're asking "How bad is WWE going to fuck up Ryback if they take his win streak away from him?" On the surface, that's a fair question to ask. The streak is a big thing. Much like Goldberg, the name snarky fans have chanted since Ryback has reappeared under that name in the springtime, he's a bald, musclebound brute with an impressive finisher (Shell Shocked is pretty impressive), an even better set-up move (dat lariat... whoooo) and a win streak. But really, are those comparisons enough to say that Ryback is the same as Goldberg, and that his streak defines him?

The answer, to me, is that it doesn't. John Cena even made this eminently clear when he passed on the chance to wrestle at Hell in a Cell in favor of Ryback. He spoke pretty forcefully about how Ryback may not even care about being Champion, something that would require him to, duh, win matches. Ryback doesn't chant his record. He doesn't make a big deal out of his streak in character. He demands to be fed. He just wants meat. It doesn't matter if that meat is fed to him in a sanctioned environment or whether it's like the time Jack Swagger ran his mouth and got meathooked for his troubles without a bell ringing other than the one in his head.

To me, there's a far better story that can be told here that doesn't involve a title switch, a run-in or even a pinfall. Ryback has been beating people in wrestling matches for months, but they've been able to walk away and fight another day. Even the jobbers he annihilated have all lived to tell about. What if the next evolution isn't him going from beating jobbers to midcarders to main event guys, but from beating people to absolutely consuming. What if Ryback doesn't care about wins and losses, but he just cares about beating the everloving shit out of people until they're lifeless heaps of skin and bone?

In a way, it's the best way to go, and it's far easier than having a fuck finish or a clean victory either way. Ryback would just demolish Punk after giving him Shell Shocked, showing he's really not interested in winning the match. He couldn't be DQed, because it's in the cell. He would devour Punk and the referee who trying to stop him. The cavalry would come down to stop it but would have trouble because of the bottleneck at the cell entrance. Ryback would totally rip through everyone until someone went to extreme means to subdue him (maybe a cattle prod in a trolling nod the end of Goldberg's streak?).

Cena would look intelligent in letting Ryback go after Punk first. Punk would have injuries to overcome to keep his belt over Cena at Survivor Series, giving him his vaunted "moment" that everyone seems to think he doesn't have. Ryback would be viewed as too dangerous to let near the title any time soon, and his WrestleMania story could begin. To me, that's more intriguing than anything that anyone else seems to think they have to do.

Why would that be the case? Let's answer the questions from start. What does Ryback represent? Death, destruction, entropy... hunger. What is the most important part of his character? It's not winning. It's devouring. There are many different ways that he can devour CM Punk without having to eat the WWE Championship too...

...although I would pay good money to see Ryback literally eat that title belt.

Friday Five: Hell in a SHIMMER

It's a combo for the combo of things happening this weekend!

1. Which wrestler do you want to see at a future SHIMMER weekend who isn't already a regular?

2. Buy or sell: Ryback HAS to win Sunday.

3. Does the SHIMMER name hold the company back?

4. With the underwhelming build to this year's sole HiaC match and the fact that one happened at Mania, is this the last year Hell in a Cell has its own, titular PPV?

5. Which SHIMMER match would you like to see culminate in a Hell in a Cell match (hypothetically, of course)?

Instant Feedback: I Hear Voices in Jeff's Head

Did Impact try to give us Jeff Hardy's inner monologue tonight? I applaud the company for thinking outside the box at times, but the example set in the surreal opening segment on Impact tonight wasn't blurring the lines, it was going all Wonder Years all over everyone. I think there could be a place for that kind of trope to be used on a live wrestling show, but not in a serious manner like they did tonight. It fell flat, much like the rest of the show did for me.

It's not entirely the company's fault outside of the people they chose to be on their roster. If it were up to me, I'm not sure I'd have Kurt Angle, Robbie T, Ken Anderson or Rob van Dam on my televised wrestling show, but hey, with the exception of the second one, I guess people like them. When they get put in the prolonged matches of the night, then that's where you lose me as a viewer. There was one point in the opening match where Zema Ion had to stand on the apron and wait for van Dam to kick him in the face.

However, the main thing wrong with the show right now feels to me to be pacing of the Aces and Eights story. Let's put aside that it still feels like it's being done for the greater glory of Hulk Hogan, Sting and possibly Eric Bischoff (I feel like if I say his name a million times, he won't be attached to it). It's been three months and we're still waiting for a bunch of bit players to be unmasked like it's a big deal, and they're still just looking to beat up random Impact dudes. I guess the confrontation between Bully Ray and D-Von was well-done, not surprising given the pedigree of both guys on the stick, but I feel like the tenor of it really didn't match what I thought it should have been. Were my expectations out of whack? Maybe, but there didn't seem to be enough violence. I dunno.

Still though, at least we didn't hear Bully's innermost thoughts on the situation after it happened without him saying a word.

Reflections on a Mission at Its 50th Taping: SHIMMER Weekend Preview

A wrestling goddess ready to claim her largest prize yet?
Photo Credit: Gregory Davis/DDS

Gender segregation in wrestling has become somewhat passe in some circles. Folks, myself included, have taken up the banner that women and men really have no differences that would keep them from being able to play-fight in a ring made of wood, cloth, cable and pile at all. A wrestling utopia would be one without pretense of gender (or size even, but that's another story). However, our wrestling world is far from idyllic in the least, and furthermore, neither is the "real" world that it mimics. The stark reality is that women have to fight for their rights not only in the real world (Don't believe me? Just ask your local, Red State GOP politician to describe his thoughts on rape to you.), but in the world of wrestling as well. There exists a perception that women are somehow intrinsically inferior to men when the evidence of those who have made it is quite the contrary.

The progression of females in wrestling in no small part is owed to SHIMMER Women Athletes, and the state of where they as a gender are today is so positive because of the stage the company based out of Chicago has provided. They will be embarking on another set of DVD "tapings," which will include their 50th volume this weekend at the Eagles Club in Berwyn, IL. Despite its all-too-cutesy name, the Dave Prazak-headed promotion has provided an atmosphere that has none of the societal stereotypes placed at the feet of what men think women should be or act like.

From Sara del Rey to Amazing "Kharma" Kong, Ashley "Madison Rayne" Lane to Cheerleader Melissa, Portia Perez to Rachel Summerlyn and all the rest of the wrestlers who've passed through the company, the list of important females in wrestling in the last 10 years who haven't done at least one match under the SHIMMER banner is pretty small at this point. Some of those women may be gone to do other endeavors. The roster for this weekend, which is still pretty stacked from where I sit, may lack a few names and feel a bit paltry, but even as the company provided a place for the aforementioned giants of wrestling to get started, it too now has a new crop of women either to introduce or more accurately to further ingratiate into our collective psyche as part of the family, even if they're not the next big thing.

A lot of the attention on this event will be paid at the main event of the second half of the tapings on Saturday, the nominal 50th volume, as well it should. It has not been announced yet, but it will contain as many of the women who were present for the first set of tapings as they can possibly get out to the Eagles Club for this weekend. It will almost certainly include Melissa, arguably the company's ace even if she no longer has the hardware to prove it after the last set of shows. My guess is that Mercedes Martinez, MsChif and of course, the incomparable den mother of the roster Allison Danger will all be involved as well. As for the others, I bet there may be some surprises up the sleeves of Danger and Prazak as to who will or won't be there. Amber O'Neal, Lexie Fyfe, Nikki Roxx and Rain are all still active on the indie scene. The others on the show, I'm not so sure of, but if one Glamazon happens to show up for that main event, it would not only put to rest her contract status with WWE but also blow the minds of everyone in the wrestling world if she did end up making her presence felt.

That being said, even as the names from the past get bandied about in a nostalgic appreciation, there will be no dearth of attention on the next wave of women who will look to make their impacts felt. Right out of the gate, it was announced that Athena will be receiving the first shot at the World Championship at Vol. 49. Whether that title is held by Sweet Saraya Knight or MsChif will be debatable, as they will tangle for the title in the same building the night before for AAW. Still though, there's no doubt who the challenger will be. Athena busted out for the company at the last taping weekend, but even before then, she's spent a good amount of time busting hussies and owning shit down in Texas for Anarchy Championship Wrestling.

She won't be the only wrestler on display. Kana, the best wrestler in the world according to a lot of people whose opinions I hold very highly, is coming back. Kellie Skater, Davina Rose, KC Spinelli, Veda Scott and Shazza McKenzie all look to have expanded roles. Allysin Kay makes her long overdue graduation from the SPARKLE preshow to the main card. That's not to overlook the others looking to claim Sara del Rey's crown as the Queen of Wrestling. Wrestlers like the Tag Team Champion Canadian Ninjas (Perez and Nicole Matthews), Leva Bates and Ayako Hamada will most certainly take their steps forward towards claiming that mythical title.

With this nexus of old and new converging on Berwyn, it's a reminder to the rest of the world that it doesn't matter what reproductive organs you have, but it's the passion, ability and training that makes a wrestler a wrestler. IN a perfect world, SHIMMER wouldn't have to exist. However, in this flawed world we have, it's a fine showcase to prove the misogynists wrong. Even if it a separate entity, it's one that is eminently needed and supremely appreciated for the length of time that it has been on the landscape.

This Week in Off-Topic: Watch Tom Hanks Do Full House Slam Poetry

I got nothin' today, at least non-wrestling wise. Therefore, watch Tom Hanks be an awesome, kooky old man.

Time for Alberto del Rio to Replace the CoBros as his Punching Bags

We always have a laugh about poor Ricardo Rodriguez having various babyface's anger be taken out on him. It's shitty that everyone from Santino Marella to Randy Orton do stuff to him when all the guy does is point and laugh. However, his bestie, Alberto del Rio, isn't exactly innocent of the same kind of bullying behavior that his buddy is victim of. OF course, we come to expect that from del Rio because he's a bad guy, you see. However, it always seems that when del Rio is pissed off from getting Brogue Kicked by Sheamus or shown up by Randy Orton, he goes and beats the everloving crap out of either Zack Ryder or Santino Marella. Search your feelings, you know this to be true.

As much as I like seeing El Patron beat the crap out of someone hapless, I kinda like both Ryder and Santino. I understand their places in the WWE firmament is somewhere near the bottom, but dammit, del Rio beats on them so bad that Rodney King would feel bad for them if he were still on this mortal coil. I think it's time del Rio got some new human punching bags. Here are whom I would pick, at least on a trial basis.

Trent Barretta

Pros: Dude's greatest asset is making people look good. He's also from a similar ZIP code as Ryder so he wouldn't be TOO unfamiliar.

Cons: He dates AJ Lee in real life, so there'd be too much temptation to get her entangled with yet ANOTHER man. Because we all know WWE is so goddamn good when it comes to intergender relationships.

Hunico

Pros: He deserves a good whippin' for perpetuating the white wife-beater and bicycle riding stereotypes.

Cons: This would be inviting all kinds of social justice groups to chime in. Plus, I doubt del Rio would go full tilt.

Camacho

Pros: He's not even really Mexican! That deserves punishment, doesn't it?

Cons: If he got whupped for pretending to be Mexican, WWE would have to acknowledge they make people pretend to be other races and that ain't happening.

Sakamoto

Pros: He'd be used to it, and at least it would be in the confines of a sanctioned match.

Cons: I don't think Assistant Vice Principal Tensai would enjoy his twink getting poached now, would he?

Staff Sergeant Tensai

Pros: Then again, it's not like Tensai is in position not to get his ass kicked on the reg now, would it?

Cons: Not sure del Rio is ready for the extra bathing associated with having to wipe Tensai's temporary tattoo gunk off him after matches.

Duane Gill as The RyGill

Pros: It would be great self-parody.

Cons: That would be like crank-calling Cthulhu. del Rio wouldn't be the only guy suffering if you catch my drift here.

JTG

Pros: He really isn't doing a whole lot of anything else right now. Why not?

Cons: His ring gear might legitimately hurt del Rio because it's all shiny and hard and sequined and shit.

As you can see, there is no shortage of wrestlers to feed to del Rio if he's having a bad day. I just don't really think that Ryder or Santino really deserve the continued abuse. Even if you don't like them, you have to agree that it is a bit curious those are the only two guys del Rio gets to push around and beat up, right? Right?

All photos courtesy of WWE.com.

Your Midweek Links: The Ryback Hungers

FEED HIM MORE
Photo Credit: WWE.com

It's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week:

Selfies:

- Here's last week's podcast, where I talk to Nick Menta about Temple football and The Ryback [Episode 74: Source Codebreakers and Hot Tags]

- And here's this week's podcast, where I compare the Gekido to Pink Floyd's Animals with Samantha Allen [Episode 75: D-VON! Get the Tables of Reconstruction]

- Here's a review I did of the Chikara February Long Island show, featuring a rad UltraMantis Black/Colt Cabana match and the official debut of said Gekido [Everyone Falls for the Oldest Trick in the Book]

- Here's a column I wrote praising WWE for stuffing its three hour show full of tasty content [Camel Clutch Blog]

- And here's a column I did claiming Bill O'Brien is the coach Penn State needs right now [The High Phive]

Wrestling Links:

- Tom Breihan with an article on why King of Trios always will rule your face [The Classical]

- Wins and losses matter not to The Ryback [The Wrestling Journal]

- A take on why the whole wins and losses thing regarding Ryback (and Goldberg) is stupid [Turnbuckle Zine]

- And now, some fantasy booking surrounding the WWE Championship. Because fantasy booking is for dorks, and hey, everyone is a dork in some respects [¡Olé! Wrestling]

- Hey, remember when Daivari choked that dude out on the train? Here's the footage. He's a hero. [Deadspin]

- Burnsy interviewed Eve Torres. READ IT. [With Leather]

- And of course, the Best and Worst, now featuring JOHN CENA, VAGINA WHISPERER [With Leather]

- And B was also kind enough to review the ACW Halloween show for me, so read it if you haven't already [The Wrestling Blog]

- An examination of the "effeminate" wrestler [Old School Jabronis]

Non-Wrestling Links:

- The most dangerous threats to Halloween ever. Note, the first three are great reads, the last two are kinda whiny. [Cracked]

- Spencer Hall with a must-read about Lance Armstrong [SB Nation]

- VERY IMPORTANT: Sarah Sprague investigate how many pumpkin items are in the Trader Joe's flyer [The Awl]

- VERIER IMPORTANTER: Read this sriracha primer [Deadspin]

- That's enough, Colin Kapaernick. [The Footbawl Blog]

- GRUDEN TALK may be my new favorite KSK feature yet. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

- How the moon was created. [Science Daily]

- Hey, think Mitt Romney's raging misogyny is only gonna hurt women? Think again, dudes. [Jezebel]